79 lb loss..

So I weighed in 2 days later than I wanted to ugh. But I did it :) Stepped on the scale this morning, twice cus I needed to confirm the number was correct lmao! I weight in at 245.6lbs!!!!! That means, I have officially hit my most current goal weight :D & I can now look forward to and work towards my next goal weight of 225lbs! AHHH omg, I am so excited.

My original starting weight was 324lbs - therefore as of today I have a total loss of 79lbs!!! Even when I have a few months like the last couple have been that number makes it still feel awesome!

Can't wait :D

New info & A question ;)

Tomorrow is Sunday - In the past I've always made my weigh day on Monday, I'm not really sure why.. but this time around I am going to start on Sunday.

Weighing in at what my weight is as of tomorrow, & then from there counting calories again.. I miss doing it in a way & not just because of the weight loss but, I suppose because of the total control you feel you have over your life when YOU say what you will or wont eat instead of just shoveling things in because they look good, or taste good and YOU aren't really decided you're letting your stomach decide...

I will also do measurements tomorrow morning right after weighing in.

Question?
Has anyone tried Zumba toning? Is it a lot harder than regular Zumba? I think a bug concern I have is tightening up.. yes I am over weight & I have fat to lose but I always feel so much better when I can FEEL tighter in my muscles.

~erica♥

ode to myself

Just weighed myself - 250lbs. Not at all what I want. I have yet to even HIT 245lbs which is my next goal weight & it's been for a LONG, long time now. I've hit the bottom. I have stayed fluctuating within the same few lbs & it's time to get losing again...

Fasting?

I've seen some things lately about like, juice fasts or other types of fasting to get your body back on track for the journey and what not. What are your opinions on fasting, or what do you think are some of the best types of fasts?

I really need to do something here to get my focus back...

sigh :\

So not a morning person.

So the last 2 days, I set my alarm for 5:45am in hopes to wake up & throw on some workout gear and head to the gym for 45min -1hr.. & both morning I ended up turning my alarm off all together and not even waking up when I needed to be up for other things. Ugh, I want so badly to get up and to the gym bright and early in the morning but setting my alarm for so early is just NOT working.

I'm thinking maybe I need to start slowly.. I know if I set my alarm for 6:30 I can get up because that's when I normally do.. perhaps if I set it at 10 min intervals for a little while and work my way up to 5:45. Like for a week I could set it at 6:15 until I know I can get up that early and moving.. The only downfall is that I wont be able to go to the gym really until I set it for earlier :\ and since my schedule is SO hectic lately I don't see myself fitting it in any other time. I could always still go at 6:15 but then I would only be working out for like 20-30 min before I'd need to head back home

Somethings better than nothing though, right?

Yep. That's my plan then.. 6:15am and if I can get up then I will still go to the gym for a few minutes and work my way up to more time at the gym by being able to wake up earlier. Hopefully once I finally get there that early it will make a big impact on my day and my body will want to be up and ready to go that early :)

Water intake hasn't been going to well, I had like one bottle yesterday. Today, I'm writing WATER on the back of my hand in marker, so whenever I see it, It reminds me to drink water!

Wish me luck for a successful water day! I didn't weigh in this morning.. but I will go do that now before getting ready for work ugh.. I can only imagine what my good ole' pal the scale has to say..

~erica♥

Sunday is the beginning of the week..?

So tomorrow is Sunday... & in leu of that I have decided it is the day I will start my re-dedication to the journey. I don't have all that much as far as healthy groceries go in my house, so as far as eating healthy meals that's probably not going to start till I have some money but I can begin tracking my calories again either way. I am also going to start upping my water intake. Lately I have had hardly any water from day to day and I KNOW that more water alone can make me feel so much healthier and ready to go. I have church in the am, and then I'm taking my kids on a little family fun trip before work at 5.. so what I'd really like to do is wake up at like 6am to go to the gym before my kids wake up. I'm going to set my alarm and see how my morning goes. My goal is start making the gym my first thing in the morning priority to get my day going, I'm not a morning person in the least but I have high hopes for this :)

I have gotten so much more self confidence on this journey that I could have expected with still having like 100+ lbs to loose... and I'm excited to keep going & getting better confidence in myself and in my life!! (:

P.s. Monday will be my weigh in day, I hope the scale goes easy on me cus lord knows it's been a while and I haven't really been focusing on my goals..

~erica♥

& the great return!

So I know I have been slacking terribly.. & since I have to head to work I don't have time for a full run down of things but let me give you the cliff notes version.

I got a new boyfriend, my last one was long distance & that may or may not have had something to do with my total lack of self esteem because of my weight.. I'm gonna lean towards more that it did. I hated even being in public let alone trying to meet someone at the weight I was, and even though I still have more to lose the confidence that I've gotten from losing the weight I did has just exuded from me. His name is Ej & we've been dating for almost 2 months now. That, is a big part as to why I had disappeared from blogger world... I checked out on my whole journey for a short while simply basking in the glow of a new relationship :) & even though this is highly personal and I am sure I will be judged by at least one person.. we had an accident that lead me to be concerned about a pregnancy already, so the last month I have used that as an excuse to not go to the gym. ( to be honest I know nothing about how you can or can't work out if you're pregnant so I just didn't worry about it at all for fear of hurting myself or possibly a child?) Anyways... I am all set to get back into full workout mode, full goals & def. back to healthy eating habits. I have more weight that needs to be lost!!

I haven't weight myself in almost a month & I just KNOW I have packed on a few more of the lbs... so with the winter coming.. & it being one of those times that many people gain weight, I feel I need to get back into the swing of things asap & back to losing.

I'm probably going to post again later after work with my game plan lay out of how I want things to go. No big huge goals, just gym days and more water intake to start myself back off with.

I'm excited to be back to it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~erica♥

OKAY so..

I didn't get to do my update that I've been planning, but will asap. I did however take a new body picture today & decided to share. The first picture is a year ago at 318lbs, the second one is just from June at 267 & the new one is today, at 247lbs :) I've finally lost enough that sharing the original, at least with you guys... isn't so scary!!

-Erica!

Wow...

It's been way too long...

Update post in the works

I miss you all!

Reinforcements?

Why is it that being of a larger size is always one of the VERY first malicious attacks someone will throw in your face.

I started talking to this guy, he has a kid with this girl & they were together for years so him and I aren't rushing anything we really just hang out & have fun and have feelings for one another but no relationship status yet. So she commented on his facebook yesterday something about there son & then just started attacking him as a parent, even though I would of loved to tell her off I have more respect for him and I know that would only cause more problems between them and him getting his son. So OUT OF NO WHERE she starts talking about me.. ME? Wth.. and of course the only legitamate things she could say was how fat & ugly I apparently am, how she's the best looking girl he's ever dated & now he's seeing some "fat and I mean FAT girl" (her exact words). She posts this right on face book for me and the whole world to see without one single ounce of regret and goes on to say how him and her fighting is all my fault and blah blah. Mind you during this attack I said nothing.

I got furious, I cried & then I wanted to never eat again and go to the gym til I DIED. I know that the words of some jealous, insecure girl shouldn't affect me at all but it's so hard because she attacked the one part of myself that I attack all on my own on a regular basis :/ and I was already uncomfortable because she's SO tiny, so of course.. in my mind how could he even be interested in me, in a girl MY size as opposed to this tiny, petite little thing...

sigh.

~erica♥

Oopsie!

I just realized I haven't posted my weigh in numbers in like 2 weeks... I thought that I DID. Apparently I'm losing my mind haha. Tomorrow is weigh in & I'm hoping for a decent number, although I'm really not going to be surprised if it's not. I have only gone to the gym like twice in 2 weeks since I hurt my foot & it's slow going picking it back up.

I went last night & was only there for 30 minutes.. I know that's better than nothing! But I was going for an hour+ before.. I just need to stop complaining & do. I'd like to reach my next goal weight sometime within the next month or so. I'm ready for new goals & new achievements to work for!

I'm pretty sure I'm buying a new mp3 player today, mine got lost some how & ever since then my attendance at the gym has been shotty. Not that not having it should be any excuse, but for me... it really is. I just can't get AS into it without my jams :)

~erica♥

Life!

Hey Readers!

Today was/is weigh day. I didn't get to weigh in this morning because I woke up late & had to rush to work.. but I did weigh in when I came home, after coffee & it was between 257-259lbs. So let's just say the last week that I wasn't really able to workout was shitty. I went to the gym the other night, my foot is feeling better & I'm so ready to get back on track. I plan on going to the gym tonight & then starting next week I'm back to Zumba, C25K, & gym at least 3 days a week. :)

Along with not being able to workout, I let myself slip on EVERYTHING. I stopped the cleanse I was doing, I stopped tracking food. The only thing I didn't do was stop drinking so much water, I love water. I think I have finally come around. When I first started drinking water, it was because I knew it was healthy for me & I wanted to force it into my body.. now I enjoy it, I like it, I want it because it's something I like to drink instead of because it's something I should.

Sometimes I think it's way too easy for me to fall off track, but getting back on track is always fun, getting back into the swing of things & realizing that all the anxiety I put into it isn't worth it because once I just DO IT.. it comes naturally to me.

Btw; I'm still trying to psych myself up to post my before body pictures :\

~erica♥

... hmmm

For starters, I haven't been able to workout & let me say.. it's killing me.

I fell down the stairs a few days ago & have been nursing a bruised ass, elbow & wrist along with a huge gaping cut on the bottom of my foot. Just standing at work makes shooting pains go all the way up my calf into my knee & when I walk I limp. I hate it & I miss the gym :\. I'm so afraid that I'm going to gain back all sorts of weight just by not going. As soon as it's better, zumba, C25K, & gym time will all resume. In the meanwhile I can still do my ab workout & maybe some stretches.. and of course watch what I eat..

Measurements were done, I posted them in the measurement section. I lost inches on some parts of my body & in other they stayed the same or maybe even raised a little.. I want to say that maybe it's because I'm building muscle mass but then isn't that denser then fat? So.. it should still have gone down? I don't know. Hopefully next month it's better, if not I'm still feeling great!

I went close shopping the other day, for 1 it's been a long time since I've gone somewhere and just bought a bunch of clothes for myself all at once normally I'll buy pants here a shirt there & so on.. but my clothes have started falling off my butt. Pants I have to hold up while walking LOL which is an awesome feeling :) It felt good clothes shopping for once, & I went to ROSS which has an amazing selection of clothes for plus size girls that look absolutely adorable AND are well priced so on top of shopping, I didn't get too distressed when something didn't fit me how I wanted it to! Here's a few shots of the first outfit I tried on.. I put it on & I was like OMG i look so much better than I did before.. to be honest I needed that after the scary work pictures of yesterweek.
It was a huge NSV for me. :)

Now onto some probably simple issues. I mentioned the guy that I liked, for one he has a girlfriend, so nothing more than a flirtationship will spring from it.. at least for now (I'm not that kind of girl) But he's the first guy in a long time who I've been interested in who shows a similar interest in me & at first it made me feel really great! Now, when I see myself in pictures or what not I feel like he's just being nice. A pity flirt if you will? I still have serious issues thinking that anyone could be even remotely interested in me because of my weight..

Anyways, since this guy & I have started just playfully flirting, I've had an ex text me about how beautiful he thinks I am and how much he misses me. The last time we dated was years ago & I wasn't as big as I was like year, but I'd say I might be around the same weight as now.. but even still I feel like if he saw me he would change his mind on thinking I'm beautiful :\

There's another guy (I KNOW?! where are they all coming from, better yet WHY? It might be simply because I have been exuding more confidence lately. My ex and I broke up and I'm in that post breakup 'I'm amazing' stage a year later?) So I met this guy last month, he's the lead singer in a local band and a friend of mine took me to his show. So he knows what I look like. We recently started talking and he flirts with me a lot.. I'm going to see his band again this week & for some reason I feel like maybe cus he was drunk, or because it was so dark in the bar he really just doesn't remember how fat I am and that's why he thinks he's interested..

I'm pretty sure this is all in my own mentality, but it's hard to get over. It's hard to stop thinking that everyone else just see's me as I see me. A fat girl. A fat girl who's not good enough to get this much male attention all at once. I feel like it's some kind of a fluke. It's definitely something I need to talk about in therapy. I've been trying to enjoy it regardless & I have a friend who is always telling me that I'm over thinking situations way too much, which is probably what's going on here.. I just don't know how to stop :\

Sometime tonight, I think I'm going to post my first set of pictures that I had taken in the beginning of my journey & the set I just recently took. Even though at first when I looked at them I couldn't really see a difference even with 60+ lbs gone, now I can really see how my hips are becoming more defined & my arms are less rounded. It's going to be a big step for me!

till then..

~erica♥

I am fat.

Yea, I know DUH that's why I'm here. But all the progress I've made, how far I'm come.. it can all get broken down into nothingness with just a few pictures.

A friend I work with was taking pictures the other day while I was at working picking one of the girls up & she just posted them on facebook & i was reduced to tears.

before revealing the pictures.. I just wanna say, I know i've worked hard sometimes & sometimes I've slacked like nothing else. I know I was even FATTER than I am in these pictures. The numbers prove it not to mention i feel so much better now than I did before. I FEEL healthier. In many ways that's a trick. I feel healthier, I know I'm working on getting thinner & healthier so there are days when I feel like I'm already there. I sit around with friends or what not & just feel like HEY I look good & I'm getting smaller all the time! Then pictures like this surface and I feel like all that false hope I was giving myself was pointless. I am hurt, by non other than myself :\

The thing that sucks the most is after almost a year of working on it, i feel like I'm NEVER going to be there, where I want to be. I know I'm my own worst enemy, I know I probably look at these pictures and judge myself way more harshly than I should but I just can't help it. & I can't help but thinking now, (remember the before mentioned crush?) that there's no way any guy could ever like me looking like this:
not to mention the fact that my make up was all off my face, my hair was a mess & I was just picking this girl up from work to take her home..

Sigh.

Here's 2 I took the other day of me..
Mind you, both sets of pictures were taken this week.. why is it that I feel like I look better (thinner?) in the second set & just want to cry in pain from the first set..

I skipped working out tonight cuz well, I fell down the stairs & bruised my ass and my wrist.. but after seeing those first set of pictures I wanted to go run my ass off at the gym for the rest of the fucking night.

I'm angry.
I'm hurt.
I'm disgusted.
I...

~erica♥

Scale, weigh in & BMI move WOO!

I freaking hate it when the scale doesn't say what I want it to.

I've gotten back into the crappy happy of weighing myself almost every day. I weight 255.8lbs yesterday I was so happy told everyone I lost more weight, felt so close to my next goal (ONLY 10 MORE LBS) & today, the day that actually counts for weighing I weigh in & ... 257.0.

It's still a loss, so yay in the victory column, but I would of loved for it to say 255! Anyways, that's a loss of 1.8 for the week :)

So the day before yesterday was supposed to be Zumba day, & well yea I skipped it. I actually skipped any form of working out at all that day & spent some time with a girl that I work with gushing about this crush I have LOL.

Last night, I went to the gym & instead of outside I did the C25K program on a treadmill. I still didn't get through it but this time I completed 6 runs instead of 3 & I wasn't as winded when I stopped. My side started to really hurt along with a shooting pain up my shin.. Hopefully next time I try, I will actually complete week 1/day 1 and then can begin the program how it should. I think that's my plan, once I know I can complete it the right way then starting THAT week, before that I will just be pushing myself to complete that week.

I was pretty proud of myself, & then there's this guy from work -cheesy loser smile spreads thick- I'll tell you all about him another time, but he's been going to the gym too. His goal though is to 'get buff' he wants to build muscle mass & yadda yadda, well he was texting me when I went to the gym & he was just so encouraging about my running. He was like "you on that treadmill yet?" after he knew I was at the gym & then he text me and was like "You just gotta pump yourself up, jump on it and run till u die" LMAO I'm always saying how dead working out makes me & so is he haha. It was really nice & a feeling I can't explain to have someone WANT to encourage me, to focus my mind & be like "just do it, YOU KNOW YOU CAN" :)

On another note, my BMI is finally OUT of 'morbidly obese' & I am now just OBESE (class 2)!!!! YAYAYAYAYAY :) I know I still have along way to go, but finally being able to move my BMI scale up, well that's just a big deal for me. I look forward to the day it says my BMI is 'normal' lol

Today is the first, so I will be doing measurements later tonight when I'm home & blogging more for you guys, hope everyone has a fantastic day.

~erica♥

Did I? Or Didn't I? hmm..

First off, I lied.. C25K day is not tomorrow, Zumba day is - either way you guys got the just of the last post lol.

Second off, I went. An hour at the gym & I hate that I even whined about it so much. I love the feeling I have coming down from a sweaty, pumped up workout! I'm glad I forced myself to go, I feel better inside & out for it.

~erica♥

mini argument with myself.

I have to go to the gym.
Deep inside me I WANT to go to the gym.
I still can't find my music player, which without it I want to stop the moment I start.
I know that if I don't go, I'll feel giulty about it.
I know that if I don't go, there's a good chance that I'll put off C25K day tomorrow also.
It's like a downward spiral.

UGH.

I am a failure.

So, tonight was my first attempt at the C25K. I did not succeed.

I downloaded the app on my phone that Meg suggested, which by the way is pretty great! You start it, and you can put it back on ur phone & still listen to music or text or whatever & it dings whenever you change from running to walking and back . Anyways, I downloaded it & set out on my journey.. I got past the first 5 minutes of walking and the first minute of running pretty smoothly, then the second minute of running was hard.. my breath was catching, my shins started to hurt a little and i felt like that was the longest minute ever! Then the third minute came along, I could almost see flames my chest was so on fire, my throat was dry, my shins felt like they were splitting open & I ended up walking for the last 10 seconds of running & then walked for the next 5 minutes till I walked myself right home.

I have two feelings towards this.

1. I'm disappointed, I know it would have felt amazing to just go out there & complete Week 1/Day 1 of it & be proud of that. Giving up is always a sucky option but I really felt like there was just no way I could accomplish it tonight without falling over in some random persons yard crying.

2. It's okay. I will saddle of the horse again and try again maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day and I will continue to try until I can complete it. That's the whole point of the C25K right? to build you up to be a runner? I will keep going until I can complete days 1,2 &3 and then move forward to week 2 and I will repeat any days I have to until I am confident and comfortable in that.

So up & down about this, but still positive! I can & will do this, I just need to build my body up to it!

I have attempted also, to set up a schedule for all of my workouts.
this is what I came up thus far, but I'm not sure if it's going to be set in stone.. if anyone has any ideas or suggestions they are (as always) very welcomed.!

MONDAY - C25K

TUESDAY - Ab Workout
Gym 30min+

WEDNESDAY- Zumba

THURSDAY- C25K
Ab Workout

FRIDAY- Gym 30min+

SATURDAY -C25K
Gym 30min+

SUNDAY- rest.

I originally wanted 4 days at the gym, 1 day of zumba bi weekly and then the ab workout whenever but since I've started & would like to stick to the C25K program, I figure that allows me to cut back a day at the gym & I think I'm going to make Zumba a weekly thing because now, I'm already ready to go back!

I really want to start dropping the weight & toning my body so even though I know this is kind of a busy schedule for working out I'm prepared to do it. Once I get the kiddos into bed my mom is usually hear and willing to keep an ear on them so most of my workouts will be at night, unless I can drag myself out of bed early enough to do it in the morning before they are up.. hm.

Next: I'm getting ready to make my grocery list for next month & I have got to be sure to get the healthies. I've been slipping on that & TBH i feel it inside, the diet of foods I've been eating I want to go back to my 100 cal packs, my healthy choice meals & my fruits and veggie loving bowls & trays :D

~erica♥

I did it. (a positive & a negative)

I rode on the bumper cars.

Flashback to last year: My sister, the kids, my mom & I all at the carnival. The kids are too small to ride the bumper cars a lone so adults have to go with them. My mom & sister take 2 of the kids on & tell me to take the third one on. I refuse, not only do i refuse but I protest that the reason is I simply wont fit. I will not be able to get that god forsaken bar down on my lap & I'll be asked to get my fat ass out of the car. I sit on the side & watch my mom and sister take two of the kids, then one of them go again to take the third. I'm practically bawling on the inside. It's so unfair, I can't enjoy this time with my family. I'm ashamed, I want to hide. I want to eat more so that I can weigh less. The entire inner struggle & battle with myself weighing me down mentally.

This year, I didn't hesitate for a second. I didn't even give it a second thought. Yea, the bar was a little snug on my stomach but it closed enough & my son steered while I pushed the gas & let me tell you what a happy exhilarating moment it was for me. Not only was the whole experience good, but my family recognized what a big deal this was for me :) they encourage me completely with the weight loss but I felt as though they were right there smiling & cheering silently for me. Proud of me. It makes being on this journey that much more exciting & makes me that much more dedicated!! :D

& the negative. I ate funnel cake, and some popcorn & a little cotton candy. :\ but it was worth it & I'll work hard this week to still gain a loss :P

~erica♥

a bunch of random thoughts..

So yesterday I tracked, Up until dinner. But I'm pretty confident that I didn't go over my caloric intake for the day... well not until my midnight craving for potato chips took affect ugh. Anyways, I didn't get in any workout I'm still beyond sore from Zumba the other day :/ but starting this coming week I'm implement my gym 4 times a week, zumba 1 time in 2 weeks routine. I also think I've decided to do the ab workout app every other day if possible & I can't stop thinking about the C25K! I wanna do it! So, it's quite possible that this week I will start it, I'll let you know :)

My 1 year anniversary date is coming up. I started this blog on 7.17.10 & well that's about 3 weeks away. I am going to bust my booty and try to get as close to my next goal weight as possible by then. My next goal is 245lbs, I'm around 258 right now which leaves me about 13lbs to lose. If I average that out it's a little over 4lbs a week of loss.. well I don't know if that's possibly haha but I'm gonna try. Once I hit that goal weight I will have lost 79lbs from what I was a year ago(:

I've also been looking into HRM's .. I think they are an awesome tool to have to be sure that you are working out at a good level.. the problem is THEY COST SO DAMN MUCH :| good lord lmao I think the cheapest one I saw was $30 bucks or so. When I have the extra cash I wanna get it, I don't wanna go all out and pay tons of money when I don't even know for sure that I will use it or enjoy using it so.. that's my plan haha

I also took pictures last week, I have pictures from the beginning of my journey as well & I contemplate posting them often. I'm not sure if I want to wait until I lose a little more weight before putting them all out there of if I should just bite the bullet & do it... It's more of a personal fear than anything. I guess I feel like I can still try and pretend than I'm thinner than my body. I feel like I should be thinner than my body :/

~erica♥

This may boil down to more than 1 post...

New Beginning:
Okay, so to start off my massive blog fest this evening, I'm going to start with rebirthing my journey! I have a friend, who has always inspired the creative part of my soul & has always been one of those people who I look at and think and am just in awe of it. When I first started this journey almost a year ago, her & I started almost around the same time without even knowing it! We got to talking & realized we had both started a weight loss blog, on the same site & it was great! Well because life gets in the way & serious dramas can occur she let her blog go, & let's admit.. even though I am still here I haven't been making much of an effort in the way of this journey. I can't stop thinking about how terrified I am of gaining the weight I've already lost all back.. 60some odd pounds, no thank you. I need to get my ass in gear. We as I've been thinking this & doing nothing about it, my good ole' inspiring friend has decided to jump back into the game! She has created a new blog, has new goals & motivations & in doing so has sparked the fire under my ass again(:

Here's her link! Damn This Game of Hide 'n' Seek p.s. if you read this ily!

So in light of all this rekindling, I am changing all my days up on what's what..

Weigh days will now be on Friday, I figure being at the end of the week instead of the beginning, it will help to know where I stand for the following week & give me the weekend to prepare for ass kicking & all that if need be.

Measurements will be taken on the first of the month. Just cus' it sounds good lol

Starting tomorrow, I will be tracking again. I have the tracking journal, it fits in my purse, I'm just being plain ole' lazy not doing it.

Gym: 4 days a week, any days, as long as I make sure to go for AT LEAST 30 mins, possibly longer, 4 days in the week between Monday & Sunday.

Zumba: at least once every 2 weeks (this I would like to up more, but Zumba has a way of killing me LOL so in 2 weeks, I need to go at least one time.

I want to start the c25k, I have for a while now. I know I've posted in previous months that I want to be a runner. I want to feel the exhilaration of completing a run & being out of breath and sweaty and confident. I just haven't put too much thought into when I should start, Although Megan gave me a great idea. She told me there is an app for my phone that will help me along with doing it! YAY! So I know HOW I'm going to do it, I even know the area I'll be running in.. it's just biting the bullet & starting it, I'm not sure if I'm ready for that...

I have an app currently on my phone, It's an ab workout & it always makes my stomach hurt when I do it lol I LOVE IT!! So I will also be doing that as well. No schedule set up for that. It only takes me about 10 minutes to do the whole thing, so it will be whenever I have a burst of energy, free time & the space to just lay down and bust it out.

I'm excited to get into this. My body & mind both need this.

Zumba
Today, I went to a zumba class. Oh.dear.god. It kicked my butt in crazy ways. When I first got there I was so uncomfortable. I know that everyone who goes has there own reasons & most of the time aren't going to judge you, but I was pretty much the biggest person there. We stand in front of a wide mirror to dance, and looking around I felt like a whale. I also felt like everyone was going to be watching me not be able to do all the moves, watch my fat jiggle as I shake my butt & so on.. Once I got moving though, I realized just because someone isn't as big as I am doesn't mean they aren't just as out of shape. After the class was over I went to the car & took a picture just to share!

Red face, sweat dripping, endorphins pumping.

On the drive home I was saying "omg, never again. I can't believe I decided to do that again after the last time & I don't wanna again :(" LOL anyone else get like that after a great work out? But once I got more water in me, a shower & sat for a little I realize how invigorating it is! I know I'll probably be sore tomorrow, but the kind of sore that I like & I'll feel better overall mentally just for having decided to go!

I have more to post, but my mind is fuzzy at the moment & I don't wanna overwhelm you with too much reading! LOL ♥

~erica♥

Day Fail

Well, yesterday was a big fail. I wanted to go to the gym, then I changed my mind & wanted to go to Zumba instead, THEN work called & I had to close so needless to say I came home ate & crashed. Although, I did an ab workout during the day & let's just say that today I am surely FEELING THE BURN,.. I also wanted to blog again last night and get all refocused, setting up new dates for my measurements & weigh days. As of lately I've been on the scale EVERYDAY & it really gives me a headache lol. So I'm headed to work now ugh (save me?) & then hopefully tonight I'll have time to settle down & blog it up :)

P.s. When I stepped on the scale, I was up 4lbs from yesterday - I guess yesterday was just a fluke? but in my defense, my monthly friend is coming this week.

~erica♥

Surprised the scale doesn't say GIULTY!

well, I weighed in today & I lost like 2 more lbs.. the thing about it though is, I could of sworn stepping onto that scale that I would have gained 5. This past 2 weeks have been horrible for me. I haven't been to the gym, I haven't worked out at home, I've been hitting up MCD's on an almost regular basis for breakfast & sometimes lunch too. I've eaten candy bars & more than one fudge round in a sitting.. When i step on the scale after a week like that I almost feel like I deserve for the number to punish me, but when I see that somehow my body has managed to still forge ahead with losing it makes me feel guilty. It's happened before & it's usually a push in the right direction, I see that & think so myself "Wow, it's time to start treating my body right again, it treats me right!"

So this morning I started an Acai Berry Cleanse, I bought it last week & have just been too lazy to even go there. Started this morning & plan on heading to the gym tonight, I think I might also try & go for a run. I've said in the past how jealous I am of people who can run, I KNOW it's something I would enjoy doing on a regular basis if I could do it (which lets be honest, ANYONE CAN DO IT.. it's just a matter of stopping the excuses and starting to train your body!) But I'd much rather prefer to run under the cover of darkness simply because, well, I feel like a heifer & when I run I feel like I look like the running of the bulls :|

So the plan for today, is to eat healthy (I reallyyy need to start tracking again, I felt so much better when I watched closely what was going into my mouth) & go to the gym for 45 minutes to an hour & then come home & go for a jog(:

~erica♥

Booksbooksbooks!

Well, I recently picked up a book at the store.. it was a total random buy - I actually bought it at the grocery store which is very unlike me. Normally when I purchase books I put more thought into it than just seeing it, reading the synopsis & bam PURCHASE.. but this one spoke to me. It's called 'Big Girl' It's a Danielle Steel:

A chubby little girl with ordinary looks, Victoria Dawson has always felt out of place in her family, especially in body-conscious L.A. While her parents and sister can eat anything and not gain an ounce, Victoria must watch everything she eats, as well as endure her father’s belittling comments about her body and see her academic achievements go unacknowledged. Ice cream and oversized helpings of all the wrong foods give her comfort, but only briefly. The one thing she knows is that she has to get away from home, and after college in Chicago, she moves to New York City.

Landing her dream job as a high school teacher, Victoria loves working with her students and wages war on her weight at the gym. Despite tension with her parents, Victoria remains close to her younger sister, Grace. Though they couldn’t be more different in looks, they love each other unconditionally. So when Grace announces her engagement to a man who is an exact replica of their narcissistic father, Victoria worries about her sister’s future happiness, and with no man of her own, she feels like a failure once again. As the wedding draws near, a chance encounter, a deeply upsetting betrayal, and a family confrontation lead to a turning point.

Behind Victoria is a lifetime of hurt and neglect she has tried to forget. Ahead is a challenge and a risk: to accept herself as she is, celebrate it, and claim the victories she has fought so hard for and deserves. Big girl or not, she is terrific and discovers that herself.

I'm almost finished with this book & have LOVED it thus far. Now today, I was at a yard sale & again browsing through books (if you haven't guessed by now.. I am an AVID reader :)!) and I came across one called 'Good in Bed' I know what your thinking, cuz I was thinking it too why do you think I picked it up! ;) LOL Here's the story :

For twenty-eight years, things have been tripping along nicely for Cannie Shapiro. Sure, her mother has come charging out of the closet, and her father has long since dropped out of her world. But she loves her friends, her rat terrier, Nifkin, and her job as pop culture reporter for The Philadelphia Examiner. She's even made a tenuous peace with her plus-size body.

But the day she opens up a national women's magazine and sees the words "Loving a Larger Woman" above her ex-boyfriend's byline, Cannie is plunged into misery...and the most amazing year of her life. From Philadelphia to Hollywood and back home again, she charts a new course for herself: mourning her losses, facing her past, and figuring out who she is and who she can become.

Now, I love to read.. & I have been on this journey for almost a year now.. how come it never occured to me that there may actually be NOVELS, I would greatly ENJOY about a women of larger sizes and the different things they face with it ?!?! I feel a little slow on the uptake here.. Anyways, Do any of you have any really good books you've read that you've been able to relate to or relate to your journey in some way? I would love for some suggestions to look into!

~erica♥

My Darlings!

I know I have been a horrible blogger :/ I finally have my laptop back.. AGAIN! ugh I'm so tired of having it in the shop hopefully this time i wont pop my plug prong in again...

This is a short post simply to ask for any and all ideas for workout songs :) I have been going to the gym more & more lately and my mp3 player is full of mushy lovey songs that remind me of my ex.. which isn't any good to begin with, but i usually only listen to it when I go to the gym & workout - So i need some fast paced heart pumping kinda songs to keep me in the mood. Thanks loves for any suggestions!

~erica♥

frustrated!!

So i've been working out a lo harder than usual cfor the past few weeks& I don't seem to be losing any weight :/ I haven't been counting calories either but I know I haven't been eating wayyy more than usual that working out wouldn't even help at all..

Its hard to keep myself going when results aren't showing up. Ill just keep pushing through for now& work harder hoping for results.

-Erica

oh my gahhhh

I swear. Period lol so my computers back in the shop, broken YET again. Apparently i fail. Anyways i've has absolutely so much stress lately with things going on in my life that i've actually been getting to the gym regularly just to release tension! And I love it. I love the feeling of getting all sweaty and pounding out some calories lol. I haven't started the c25k yet only cuz it didn't occur to me to search it on my phone tile today..just like blogging didn't. I have been eating slightly healthier but boy oh BOY did the Easter candy call my name or what? Im sure u know exactly how that feels lol. My little cousin just got a gym membership too, she goes to a gym out of town but can bring someone for free with her so now I have a workout budddy from time to time! Im so excited. I've read about ppl working out together often and always felt jealous but now I can enjoy feeling the burn with someone woo! Well my phones about to die but ill update again soon!

-Erica

Hope today's better..

Well, the general consensus is that c25k, When I get home from work sometime this evening I'm going to google it + try to plan some kind of schedule for it that I can print out + stick to!!

Thank you all for your feedback it was much appreciated!

Yesterday was a bomb, I didn't work out or track anything.. it was an emotionally OFF day, crying, & brooding.. it probably doesn't help that it's THAT time of the month, uggg.

Heading to work now, I also need to make my grocery list tonight so I can be sure to get healthy things!! I also want to look up some recipe's.. I thought about getting the Priorfatgirl cookbook! & starting a journey through the 50 recipe's found in it! :)

P.s. Just to clear things up, I don't consider eating a bowl of ice cream(well it was basically a bowl) one day + a tasty cake another, 'Binging' for me binging is like eating 5 bowls of ice cream one day + 8 tasty cakes another. I've had some record breaking binges before, + trust me, as unhealthy as ice cream or tasty cakes may be.. binging to me is eating an overly excessive amount.

~erica♥

Thoughts ?

I want to run. Like, I want to feel that overly accomplished feeling of going out for a run and completing that run(even if it's just around the few blocks around my house) it is my goal to someday be able to run in a run. Not a race so much as just the run's for causes or run's for fun? I want that. Now I've never been a runner. Even at my healthiest weight I wasn't a runner or even interested in the thought. I'm still overweight now, but how can I begin to train my body to run?

I workout, but I don't use the treadmill. I use the elliptical for about 15-30 mins and then strength train, but with the whether improving I think it might be a good idea to start walking around my house again + possibly start jogging some of that when possible to build up my stamina.

Any suggestions from you avid runners?

Yesterday was very low activity. I didn't work out, I didn't walk, I didn't jog. I barely moved from my bed most of the day. I drank only 33.8 oz of water - but at least it was better than nothing.

Yesterday's meals were less than extraordinary:Egg sandwich, 2 slices of cheese, mayo & regular bread.Bowl of green beans for lunch.2 cheeseburgers, lettuce, onion + a little ketchup.

+ then I caved....I didn't even look at the calories in this cuz I knew they'd be ridiculous. But i ate it anyways. hm.

So I'm seeing the pattern in my slightly unhealthy eating. On the positive, I'm not really binging or overeating too much of one thing which is good for me.. on the negative I could do better. Way better.

Hopefully today's better. I'd like to eat healthier, go to the gym after work + possibly even take an evening walk tonight.

Hope everyone has a great day!

~erica♥

So yesterday

For starters lets take a look at what I ate..
100 cal nesquick + a kellogs bar. Plus my vitamin (which I'm really trying to take everyday). I probably should have eaten more for breakfast since overall it was 190 calories. Which isn't much.. but I made up for it I assure you..Lunch was a turkey sandwich on a pretzel roll w/. cheese, A banana + a bottle of water. I will admit this can be improved. Wheat bread for instance.. 1 slice of cheese as opposed to 2 & weighing my meat out or at least only a few slices. Although I'm proud that I through some fruit into it.

Now, in between lunch + dinner I had a total emotional eating binge. I popped the top on the carton of cookie dough ice cream (in my defense there wasn't a WHOLE lot left, yea...) I poured on some chocolate syrup(right in the carton, this tells you what a fragile moment it was) & topped it with some whipped cream(yea stomach ache just thinking about it?). I ate the rest. Emptied the carton and then felt self loathing for being so weak.. but emotionally I felt a little better lmao.
Dinner was a bowl of beef stew, with slices of bread. Now I ended up eating 2 more slices after these.. yea I'm such a great role model of foods lmao.

I'm hoping that being honest about what I'm consuming will help me to want to consumer healthier foods.

On another bright note, I drank 67.6 oz of water yesterday! WOW it's been so long since I've drank that much water.. other than having to pee every 5 minutes it was good lol. I'm hoping to keep up the consumption of water, even if it's just a class or 2 a day it's better then going days without any water whatsoever!I also went to the gym last night! Spent about 15 minutes on the elliptical and then another 45 strength training! Woo! It feels great when I get to go to the gym.. I'd like to go again tonight but after the day I've had today idk. I might just try + go for a short run or something...

~erica♥

Short post, weigh in day!

So today was weigh in day + I'm down another 3lbs :) 270.4! Now if I can just keep it down, I've been within 207 & 275 ish for weeks now, I just want to move on to the 260's already!!! So far this morning, I took a picture of my breakfast lol I am about to go make a sandwich for lunch & take a picture of that. Now the point here for me isn't necessarily tracking as much as being accountable with pictures, I want to track yes but knowing what I ate throughout the day will help me to track. I also have water in the fridge chilling as we speak so that I can begin working more water into my days.

I'm hoping to head to the gym this evening, but that will depend upon vehicle usage + if my mother will babysit for me for an hour.

I didn't get a run in the other night.. I slack. But I do feel very excited + confident getting back into this lifestyle change, I see the end of a plateau on the horizon!

Pictures + daily update later! Hope everyone has a great day.

~erica♥

Saturdayyyy

I wanted to go to the gym today, but no babysitter + lack of vehicle made it difficult. I'm about to go tuck my lovebugs into bed + then I think I might go for a short jog... cuz I'm really feeling the need for some heart pumping soreness :/

I still haven't begun tracking again. I'd like to kick myself EVERYday for not doing this. It was such a great tool for the beginning of my journey..it's a big reason I dropped about 50lbs so far. I need to do it + stop forgetting, or being lazy or whatever...maybe pictures will help? Pictures of everything I eat again, to post ? Hmmm

Today was very lazy, I didn't binge on anything or even over eat a meal it was moderate, but no water. I need to set up some weekly goals for this coming week, & make myself stick to them. I just know if I can get out of this plateau and back in the full swing of this journey I can lose more weight instead of being stuck at around the flux of the same 5lbs. I'll set up some weekly goals + refocus on my short term goals to achieve & possibly a reward for achieving them will motivate me more!

Jeans are still MIA.

~erica♥

Digits & Things xo

Hello lovelies! Lots to blog about, since returning to blog world I felt the need to update some #'s as well as set some # dates! First & foremost, I weighed in today,just to have a number to post. Weigh in days will go back to being Monday's. I like Monday weigh day's because it's like starting off my week right (or in some cases very wrong) either way I know what goals to set for the week and it can help me to focus a little more oh my plan. So although I weighed in today, I will weigh in again on Monday & most Monday's thereafter.

273.4lbs
That's 46.6lbs down from when I started this blog.
That's 50.6lbs down from when I started this Journey.
That's 28.4lbs away from my short term goal weight.
That's 117.4lbs away from my long term goal weight.

I still have a long road ahead of me, but I'm damn proud of what I've accomplished already. 50lbgs is a big freakin' DEAL!! It's something to CELEBRATE! Anyone who's been on this journey knows that losing 2lbs can feel like a great thing! I am happy, but of course... I still have more work to be done.

I took my measurements tonight.. it's been a WHILE. I've decided that measurements will be the last day of each month no particular elaborate reason other than that's what today is lol.

The Current Digits:
Bust:48"
Chest:42.75"
Waist:42.5"
Hips:50.5"
Thighs: L-29.25" R- 27.5"
Calves: L-18.25" R-17"
Upper Arm: L-16.25" R- 16.75"
Lower Arm: L- 11" R- 11.5"
Booty: 50.75"
Neck:16.5"

I have lost overall since last measurements 11.25" & overall since first measurements 37.5"
I just love doing measurements and seeing the inches fall off, even if it's just 1 or 2 here & there it's so nice to know that even on days it doesn't feel like anythings working it is : ). Now mind you, I took these in the evening shortly after a cup of coffee & eating all day lol but I'd bet they're pretty accurate!

Some side notes about life! My kids are healthy as can be & doing great- I normally don't post there pictures on here but they really are my focus on a healthier lifestyle! Kaila, who is 7 is my daughter & she has no problem telling me on a regular basis that I'm the best mom ever & how beautiful she thinks I am, My son Carson is 6 & lights up my life all the time with how much affection he shows.

I got my license!! I am 25 & lord knows it's been a long time coming! WOO! It was a great big fat (pun intended) hassle for years trying to get it, but I did it! Now I just need to get a car.

I'm pretty sure I informed you readers of my job, Service Desk @ Kmart, which I still have but now I'm also looking for something else to bring in some extra $$ to get a car!

I will also be re enrolling in school after the summer. I want to now but I know that with looking for a second job & the little lovebugs being out of school all summer, schoolwork for me would be nearly impossible... so in the fall I will officially be a college student again! yay!

Oh & readers, I have a dilemma .. I can't find the latest pair of goal pants :| until I can find them I wont know if how I fit into them yet! Tomorrow's plan of action is to clean my room & search frantically for said pants.

~erica♥

Fat Girl's BACK!!! : )

Ok, So I know I've been coming & going like you wouldn't believe. I finally got my computer fixed!! So now I should be here to stay. Even though, I have been way off track with things I'm hoping that now that I can be back in blog world I can start to focus again with the help of my wonderful fellow bloggers! I missed you readers like crazaayy!



Anyways, some updates since last post!

I have joined a Gym, I am now a proud member of a 24 hour gym - I was really good at going but lately things have been ridiculously busy. I'm going to start scheduling gym time in my planner so I can force myself to go. I enjoy going to the gym. I love the sore feeling my muscles get afterwards, plus the natural high that I get. I drink more water going to the gym because it tastes so damn good when I'm working out.

I have been to the nutrionist, It wasn't as productive as I thought it was going to be, we talked for about 20 minutes and then she told me if I wanna chat again sometime to schedule an appointment. I don't know why I thought I would naturally just see her on a regular basis as I was on this journey, & I also thought she was going to give me more ideas or help with food. She pretty much just told me what I already knew... So for now I think I'll just stick to researching health food ideas and what not.

I still haven't stepped up my game with tracking my food & I think that's a really big reason as to why I still eat really unhealthy foods at times or divulge in far too many calories in one sitting. I will work on it though...

Here I'll leave you with the latest (closest thing to a body shot) I have :) mind you, I think this picture makes me look much, much thinner than I've gotten ? lol but I like it!


~erica♥

Hmm..

I hate how easy it is to get off track, how eating a whole bag of chips or an entire pint of ice cream seems so worth it in the moment of the cravings. I have changed my diet a lot since I started on this journey - I eat more fruits and vegetables, I drink diet soda's compared to regular I try to eat less during a meal. But when I get emotional, or too stressed out I just want to stuff my face with something full of delicious yumminess. I still suck at drinking water at all let alone enough water in a day, I probably eat way more calories a day than I should because I don't actually try to track them. I need to get back on track - there are several differences I want to make in my life & getting back into this journey full force is a big one.

WEEKLY!! -
I am joining the gym sometime this week & then will work out a weekly schedule co-in siding with my mothers work schedule (to babysit) & my work schedule.

I am going to call this week & set up my nutritionist appointment, I have scheduled it several times now but I always have to miss out on it & I just know that this is one step to taking my journey even more seriously.

Monday - Friday, track every thing that goes into my system in my food journal... I haven't been doing this at all & I know I'm eating far more than I should.

These are my goals for the week, A start to the renewing of my journey :)

~erica♥

Check out my body ;) LOL

Me as of today :) I have my coat on so I guess you can't really tell but you get it LOL :D
I went to the gym today so prepared to get my membership for the year &; ready to start working out and getting more weight off & there was no one in the office :| UGH lol I was so excited about it too, I work again on Monday so hopefully when I get off or before I go in I can stop in again && get the membership :) Some of the girls from work have also said they are going to get a membership as well which will of course make working out better!

I haven't been doing too well on the eating healthy department, let's just say a lot of emotions + being one hell of an emotional eater = late night face stuffing sessions :/

GUESS WHO?!?!?!

READERS!!! :D have you missed me? Well, let's start off by saying I have lost 17lbs in the amount of time that I haven't been online ( : I have to do my measurements to get back on track with my current numbers. I started yesterday taking the Jillian Michaels detox & cleanse pills. When I first started this journey months ago, I started by taking these pills.. they had me drinking water more often & gave me so much energy that I desperately wanted.. So, even though I have been losing the weight pretty steadily, I have veered off course when it comes to eating right and working out as best as I can. So I am taking these as a fresh start to the journey again.. I also work right near a gym now!! HOW AWESOME? I am going to try and go this week and look into a membership, then when I get off work a few days a week I can talk to my mother and see if she will babysit my kids after school for 45 minutes or so, so I can work out.

I watched a show last night, called 'I used to be fat' have you seen it? Wow, inspiration or what!? It was last weeks episode I guess, with a girl named Marci, watching her go down 90 pounds in 89 days was insane.. and to see her go from struggling to being determined.. it was intense.

I missed you all SO MUCH, I missed reading blogs & comments & being a part of this amazing support system!!! :DDD

~erica♥