WARNING!:
This is going to be a long one, I have a few days to catch up on. You might wanna read a little of this & come back for the rest later. I know sometimes I can't focus on the really long posts so i bypass them, depending on the writing style of the blogger lmao. So if you don't read it all it's ok :P
FAT STEREOTYPING
So I was searching the net the other day, I really don't even remember what for, but I came across some posts on some site (damn my memory) talking about fat people. Someone on the forum had said something along the lines of fat people are fat, because they're slamming down 3 cheeseburgers at once & still not full. At first when I read it, I laughed & thought, what a moron, seriously. Then I thought about it and realized he's probably not the only person who feels that way. Then my mind started working even more. I'm big because I've let myself be unhealthy, I've binged on things, I've been in love with chocolate & junk food. Soda was my best friend at one point or another. But never, have I ever eaten 3 cheese burgers at once, let alone on a regular basis. Not to say some haven't, or to offend anyone. I know there are some bigger people who have eaten like that. My issue with the post was that, there are thin people who do that too? There are thin people who are slamming down food all day long, sodas, junk, alcohol.. Being thin doesn't make you healthy. And being fat doesn't make you a binge eater. Some people are big simply because they were eating the wrong things, not having binges? Ugh, I don't know why it had my mind working so hard, I was frustrated. I didn't know the guy & obviously it wasn't really even important enough to remember the site but the truth of the matter is, some people are so stereotypical that when they look at me, being a larger girl. They probably do think that I've just eaten a whole box of tastycakes, and am heading to the local mom&pop shop for a whole pizza to eat all to myself. I just wish people as a whole were more understanding, caring & kind Instead of stereotypical, rude & offensive. The sad truth is also that, even while being on this journey.. obviously I'm not going to lose the weight all at once. So I'm still big, & will be for months to come until I've dropped excessive lbs. People like that are still going to look at me & feel as though I binge regularly on unhealthy foods and basically am a fat slob. When in actuality, I'm working hard(most days..) to get healthier and look healthier. I know their opinions don't matter, I'm just stating the facts to myself so I don't continue to dwell on them.
FOOD JOURNAL
It came today!! Yay! I wasn't home all day, so when I got back tonight, I checked the mail hoping for something for me. For 1, I knew I had an order coming & For 2, I'm huge on getting MAIL mail, I love letters, cards, anything! Which I rarely get, but i still check the mailbox religiously in hopes that there's a surprise for me! lol Anyways, we got home & there was a box in there! I started jumping around and smiling. I expected it to be one of the other books I ordered along with my food journal cuz for some reason they all shipped separately. But it was it!! It honestly came at the perfect time. I had another crap eating day, which I'll explain more about later. Lol So tomorrow I'm planning on starting back up with my calories! I feel like it's Christmas? I already wrote my name in it all pretty like, and I plan on reading through the front excerpts just to do it. Hopefully this can get me motivated again. I hate the word ''again" in this case.
EXERCISE
If you keep up with me, you probably know that I mentioned last week that I was thinking video workouts were probably going to be my thing. Then, the other day I started feeling like I don't know if that's enough? Should I still be going to a gym? Or join classes for something? I guess as long as I'm still losing it's not a problem, and until I notice that I'm not losing anymore then I can just keep going with it, but I'd really like advice or thoughts on this. I don't want to just do video workouts if they aren't giving me some vital part of the exercise experience I should be getting. My problem is, I don't have the money for a fancy gym, & I have 2 kids whom, without child care I always have. I'm surely not going to pay someone to babysit while I workout which is why home videos are pretty bad ass for me. Either way they're fun and work for now.
TODAY
Today, I spent the day at an amusement park with my mom, sister, my kids, my nieces & nephews & my cousin. Let's just say I had McDonald's for breakfast, a few bites of pizza & chicken tenders for dinner, soda, ice cream, & probably other bad shit that I shouldn't have. Just today alone. & the last few days have been pretty off in the eating department.. ugh i make myself sick just thinking about how thrown off I've been. I hope I still show some kind of loss on Monday, but I wouldn't bet on it. I did get the walking in since we were walking around all day, but I'm pretty sure the ice cream sundae I had before we left, filled up the calories I might have worked off by walking.
Yes. I said an amusement park. Within 5 minutes of walking into the place, I started to get anxious. Here I was in a place that I myself, personally could not physically enjoy. I'm fat. Fear hit me first, because I hate having to state the obvious to my mom when she asks why I'm not riding anything " Hello mother, This is your daughter. I'm a fat ass. Thanks for listening" Not quite like that lmao, but ugh, I wish she would understand my anxiety. On top of the fear, of having to respond to the inevitable ignorance of my large size, I felt sad. I was in a place that my kids could have a wonderful time, but would still feel as though something was off because I wasn't riding anything with them. Every time they needed an adult to go on with them, I would look to my mother or my sister with a look of "Please, just offer to take them so I don't have to ask.." Eventually, my mom forced me to go on a ride. It was the Flume ride. Basically, we sit on/in a log type thing an go over water. I wanted to be like no no no, not happening. But I figured it was worth a try. I have never had a "you are too fat to ride this ride" experience & for some reason, I felt like fuck it, if I have one, I can feel sorry for myself for about a day & then kick my ass into gear. So we're waiting in line & I'm standing there STARING at all these people, searching for the big ones & comparing my size to theirs. "Oh, that guy looks pretty big, I think he might even be bigger than me. If he's gonna ride this ride, then i can too." "That woman is definitely bigger than i am.. she's riding, I'm safe!" I feel so disgusting even talking about it, but it's not like I'm judging other people on their size (I would never!) I'm just comparing and contrasting. So then it's our turn to get on the loggy thing, It's me, my mom, my 2 kids & my little cousin all on one (they seat 5) I get in the very back and as soon as I sit down, I feel the whole ass end of this ride (which is sitting in water on a belt of some kind under the water) sink down & start creaking. I'm feeling embarrassed & looking around expecting someone to ask me to get out because It can't go with me in it. I'm already verging tears before anythings even happened....
And you know what? They didn't. I rode on the ride, had a blast, felt amazing & realized ALL of that stress for what? In my head, I had made such a scenario out of riding a ride, and it turned out to be no big deal. Well, a big deal to me hell yea, in the good sense It's been so long since I've ridden on anything, carnivals, amusement parks. I always "just say no" to the rides. I rode on one other one after that, and had the same entire scenario play out just to result in the same conclusion, but I didn't want to push my luck.
I haven't lost THAT much weight, but I've already accomplished something I was hoping to do when I did lose & that's to ride on rides. I think that my confidence has already boosted a tremendous amount simply by KNOWING that I'm working on it. I'm working on my weight, and my health. Other people may not be able to see it, or recognize it, but i know it. And that alone simply makes me feel better about myself. I'm doing something about it! I've made the realization that I need change in my life & my health, I know I'm fat it's no secret or something I knowingly hide from. I confront it everyday & battle it down. I am a warrior! It's a totally amazing feeling.
RANDOM BITS
I mentioned fat stereotyping earlier and I guess I do it too. But I think I do it more so just because of what society tells me. Anyways. While at the amusement park today I got on this train ride thing, like a trolly on tracks. Right behind me in line was this bigger girl, probably about my size.. and a guy, thin, good looking, and completely outgoing. When we got on the train they sat in front of us & he talked to me & was yelling hi at people in the park as the train passed. Made me smile a lot, I love outgoing people when they aren't being rude. When they are simply just outgoing! Anyways, I don't know why (yes i do) but I assumed they were just friends. We got on the train & he started calling her babe a lot & put his arm around her, I realized then that they were a couple! I feel shitty admitting it, but I have this ginormous fear and feeling that I could never get a guy that is up to my standards as far as good looking (to me, we all have our own tastes ;) ) outgoing, funny, smart, amazing, and thin (not so much thin, cuz I actually LIKE my men to be a bit on the bigger side but you get what I'm saying?) I guess I just assumed that guys like that don't dig girls like ME and when i say girls like ME I'm purely talking about size here. As if there aren't a million things about me besides my weight. I make myself sick, but this is how I think sometimes. It was like having an epiphany when i realized that, good men.. like the ones who are even WORTH my time, don't judge a girl on her pants size, they judge a girl by her heart, by who she IS. They don't care if their friends or family will say shitty things about her size, and if they do he would put his foot down TO THEM. I guess that's another concern of mine, even if a guy likes me for me and not my size, he would still run the other way because his friends and family would laugh at him for dating a big girl. I swear to you, My mind is a big jacked up mess sometimes. I literally wanted to ask them both for phone numbers to keep in touch because they really impacted my life in a way they can't understand. But i figured that might be a bit weird lmao.
Side Note: I really hope I didn't offend anyone in talking about the way my mind works, but It's my blog & I need to be honest with myself in order to heal my emotional wounds.
So basically, These last few days have been shit with eating & working out, but amazing in new realizations and healthy thoughts about my journey. So I wont dwell on the bad, but rejoice in the good! & If you read this far WOW, you're a freakin' trooper! Lmao but thank you so much♥
~erica♥
This is going to be a long one, I have a few days to catch up on. You might wanna read a little of this & come back for the rest later. I know sometimes I can't focus on the really long posts so i bypass them, depending on the writing style of the blogger lmao. So if you don't read it all it's ok :P
FAT STEREOTYPING
So I was searching the net the other day, I really don't even remember what for, but I came across some posts on some site (damn my memory) talking about fat people. Someone on the forum had said something along the lines of fat people are fat, because they're slamming down 3 cheeseburgers at once & still not full. At first when I read it, I laughed & thought, what a moron, seriously. Then I thought about it and realized he's probably not the only person who feels that way. Then my mind started working even more. I'm big because I've let myself be unhealthy, I've binged on things, I've been in love with chocolate & junk food. Soda was my best friend at one point or another. But never, have I ever eaten 3 cheese burgers at once, let alone on a regular basis. Not to say some haven't, or to offend anyone. I know there are some bigger people who have eaten like that. My issue with the post was that, there are thin people who do that too? There are thin people who are slamming down food all day long, sodas, junk, alcohol.. Being thin doesn't make you healthy. And being fat doesn't make you a binge eater. Some people are big simply because they were eating the wrong things, not having binges? Ugh, I don't know why it had my mind working so hard, I was frustrated. I didn't know the guy & obviously it wasn't really even important enough to remember the site but the truth of the matter is, some people are so stereotypical that when they look at me, being a larger girl. They probably do think that I've just eaten a whole box of tastycakes, and am heading to the local mom&pop shop for a whole pizza to eat all to myself. I just wish people as a whole were more understanding, caring & kind Instead of stereotypical, rude & offensive. The sad truth is also that, even while being on this journey.. obviously I'm not going to lose the weight all at once. So I'm still big, & will be for months to come until I've dropped excessive lbs. People like that are still going to look at me & feel as though I binge regularly on unhealthy foods and basically am a fat slob. When in actuality, I'm working hard(most days..) to get healthier and look healthier. I know their opinions don't matter, I'm just stating the facts to myself so I don't continue to dwell on them.
FOOD JOURNAL
It came today!! Yay! I wasn't home all day, so when I got back tonight, I checked the mail hoping for something for me. For 1, I knew I had an order coming & For 2, I'm huge on getting MAIL mail, I love letters, cards, anything! Which I rarely get, but i still check the mailbox religiously in hopes that there's a surprise for me! lol Anyways, we got home & there was a box in there! I started jumping around and smiling. I expected it to be one of the other books I ordered along with my food journal cuz for some reason they all shipped separately. But it was it!! It honestly came at the perfect time. I had another crap eating day, which I'll explain more about later. Lol So tomorrow I'm planning on starting back up with my calories! I feel like it's Christmas? I already wrote my name in it all pretty like, and I plan on reading through the front excerpts just to do it. Hopefully this can get me motivated again. I hate the word ''again" in this case.
EXERCISE
If you keep up with me, you probably know that I mentioned last week that I was thinking video workouts were probably going to be my thing. Then, the other day I started feeling like I don't know if that's enough? Should I still be going to a gym? Or join classes for something? I guess as long as I'm still losing it's not a problem, and until I notice that I'm not losing anymore then I can just keep going with it, but I'd really like advice or thoughts on this. I don't want to just do video workouts if they aren't giving me some vital part of the exercise experience I should be getting. My problem is, I don't have the money for a fancy gym, & I have 2 kids whom, without child care I always have. I'm surely not going to pay someone to babysit while I workout which is why home videos are pretty bad ass for me. Either way they're fun and work for now.
TODAY
Today, I spent the day at an amusement park with my mom, sister, my kids, my nieces & nephews & my cousin. Let's just say I had McDonald's for breakfast, a few bites of pizza & chicken tenders for dinner, soda, ice cream, & probably other bad shit that I shouldn't have. Just today alone. & the last few days have been pretty off in the eating department.. ugh i make myself sick just thinking about how thrown off I've been. I hope I still show some kind of loss on Monday, but I wouldn't bet on it. I did get the walking in since we were walking around all day, but I'm pretty sure the ice cream sundae I had before we left, filled up the calories I might have worked off by walking.
Yes. I said an amusement park. Within 5 minutes of walking into the place, I started to get anxious. Here I was in a place that I myself, personally could not physically enjoy. I'm fat. Fear hit me first, because I hate having to state the obvious to my mom when she asks why I'm not riding anything " Hello mother, This is your daughter. I'm a fat ass. Thanks for listening" Not quite like that lmao, but ugh, I wish she would understand my anxiety. On top of the fear, of having to respond to the inevitable ignorance of my large size, I felt sad. I was in a place that my kids could have a wonderful time, but would still feel as though something was off because I wasn't riding anything with them. Every time they needed an adult to go on with them, I would look to my mother or my sister with a look of "Please, just offer to take them so I don't have to ask.." Eventually, my mom forced me to go on a ride. It was the Flume ride. Basically, we sit on/in a log type thing an go over water. I wanted to be like no no no, not happening. But I figured it was worth a try. I have never had a "you are too fat to ride this ride" experience & for some reason, I felt like fuck it, if I have one, I can feel sorry for myself for about a day & then kick my ass into gear. So we're waiting in line & I'm standing there STARING at all these people, searching for the big ones & comparing my size to theirs. "Oh, that guy looks pretty big, I think he might even be bigger than me. If he's gonna ride this ride, then i can too." "That woman is definitely bigger than i am.. she's riding, I'm safe!" I feel so disgusting even talking about it, but it's not like I'm judging other people on their size (I would never!) I'm just comparing and contrasting. So then it's our turn to get on the loggy thing, It's me, my mom, my 2 kids & my little cousin all on one (they seat 5) I get in the very back and as soon as I sit down, I feel the whole ass end of this ride (which is sitting in water on a belt of some kind under the water) sink down & start creaking. I'm feeling embarrassed & looking around expecting someone to ask me to get out because It can't go with me in it. I'm already verging tears before anythings even happened....
And you know what? They didn't. I rode on the ride, had a blast, felt amazing & realized ALL of that stress for what? In my head, I had made such a scenario out of riding a ride, and it turned out to be no big deal. Well, a big deal to me hell yea, in the good sense It's been so long since I've ridden on anything, carnivals, amusement parks. I always "just say no" to the rides. I rode on one other one after that, and had the same entire scenario play out just to result in the same conclusion, but I didn't want to push my luck.
I haven't lost THAT much weight, but I've already accomplished something I was hoping to do when I did lose & that's to ride on rides. I think that my confidence has already boosted a tremendous amount simply by KNOWING that I'm working on it. I'm working on my weight, and my health. Other people may not be able to see it, or recognize it, but i know it. And that alone simply makes me feel better about myself. I'm doing something about it! I've made the realization that I need change in my life & my health, I know I'm fat it's no secret or something I knowingly hide from. I confront it everyday & battle it down. I am a warrior! It's a totally amazing feeling.
RANDOM BITS
I mentioned fat stereotyping earlier and I guess I do it too. But I think I do it more so just because of what society tells me. Anyways. While at the amusement park today I got on this train ride thing, like a trolly on tracks. Right behind me in line was this bigger girl, probably about my size.. and a guy, thin, good looking, and completely outgoing. When we got on the train they sat in front of us & he talked to me & was yelling hi at people in the park as the train passed. Made me smile a lot, I love outgoing people when they aren't being rude. When they are simply just outgoing! Anyways, I don't know why (yes i do) but I assumed they were just friends. We got on the train & he started calling her babe a lot & put his arm around her, I realized then that they were a couple! I feel shitty admitting it, but I have this ginormous fear and feeling that I could never get a guy that is up to my standards as far as good looking (to me, we all have our own tastes ;) ) outgoing, funny, smart, amazing, and thin (not so much thin, cuz I actually LIKE my men to be a bit on the bigger side but you get what I'm saying?) I guess I just assumed that guys like that don't dig girls like ME and when i say girls like ME I'm purely talking about size here. As if there aren't a million things about me besides my weight. I make myself sick, but this is how I think sometimes. It was like having an epiphany when i realized that, good men.. like the ones who are even WORTH my time, don't judge a girl on her pants size, they judge a girl by her heart, by who she IS. They don't care if their friends or family will say shitty things about her size, and if they do he would put his foot down TO THEM. I guess that's another concern of mine, even if a guy likes me for me and not my size, he would still run the other way because his friends and family would laugh at him for dating a big girl. I swear to you, My mind is a big jacked up mess sometimes. I literally wanted to ask them both for phone numbers to keep in touch because they really impacted my life in a way they can't understand. But i figured that might be a bit weird lmao.
Side Note: I really hope I didn't offend anyone in talking about the way my mind works, but It's my blog & I need to be honest with myself in order to heal my emotional wounds.
So basically, These last few days have been shit with eating & working out, but amazing in new realizations and healthy thoughts about my journey. So I wont dwell on the bad, but rejoice in the good! & If you read this far WOW, you're a freakin' trooper! Lmao but thank you so much♥
~erica♥
