TOP SECRET!

I think it's pretty safe to say I have not posted any type of pictures of my body, anywhere on the internet. It's one of those things that people just don't see unless they are with me in person. That's because of the OBVIOUS embarrassment my body gives me. So, I've decided that, for you lovely people (&myself) I'm going to post some of the few pictures I have of me, I plan on posting "Before" pictures once I'm down enough to have "After" pictures.. But i think I need this little kick in the butt to help me focus more. So here it is...

This was taken just a few weeks ago at the beach with my family. From left to right it's My sister, Me(the whalelike one), My mother, My daughter on my lap & My niece on my mothers lap. This is about what 324lbs looks like. I have lost a few since then, but I Relatively look the same...












This was me about a year & a half ago, I feel like I don't look as big as i do know in this photo? Idk if it's just an illusion or if i really gained that much weight in a year.. ugh.. makes me sick.








This was taken, about a year ago.. April of 09. (excuse my filthy mirror & such.. I might have been sucking in taking this picture, haha! But I really don't recall. But again, I feel like THIS picture compared to the first one, which was taken recently I seem to have gained an entire small country :/ This is sort of depressing LOL Anyways, This is it for now, I only have a few more & Once you've seen the fatness, it doesn't get much different... but i will say this. I can't wait to post pictures of "after" when i finally get there! =]

Day 22*; The Truth..

So the truth is, I've been slipping. Ok, the real truth is.. I did slip, the whole way. I kept trying to sugar coat it to myself by saying
"I'm not tracking calories, but i just know I'm not eating enough to go over"
"I know I haven't worked out in almost 2 weeks, I'm just mentally preparing myself to get to it"
"Once the kids start school, I'll have more time to workout & focus on my food."
What i should have been telling myself, & admitting to myself is that I'm being a fool. I'm starting to get back into my old habit of "I'll start tomorrow" The first week I was all about this journey, then we needed to go grocery shopping & couldn't for a few days, so i used that as an excuse.. and since then I've been the biggest slacker. And to top it off, I've been trying to fool everyone. Tomorrow is my nephews birthday in the afternoon. In the morning i want to try and get to the store.. get a small tablet that will fit in my purse. This way i can track my calories or at least write down everything I've eaten all day and get in the habit of setting time aside at night to log it. On days I'm busy I seem to say ciao to counting calories because I have know way to track things while I'm busy.. this way I can just whip out my tablet and at least know I have to be accountable for what i eat come the end of the night. So I'll be sure to try and be eating healthier. Tracking your calories is most definitely tedious. I know how beneficial it can be, but lord is it a pain in the neck. Another thing that I've let slip is my water intake. I was drinking bottle after bottle of water a day! And now? I'm lucky if I'm drinking 1 or 2. I went from cutting soda out completely to having about 1 or 2 of those a day as well, which i don't want to do. I want to be soda free & water full! I don't know why i let myself slip on little things that would be so easy to make myself accomplish. & The working out, oh my. It's so easy to use my kids as an excuse as to why i don't work out, when i have a treadmill in my garage as well as an entire yard i can workout in or run around in with them!

I've been keeping myself into the journey though, so I haven't completely lost focus. I've been reading success stories and every ones blogs to keep up some kind of internal motivation. I want this. I want to be healthier and feel better. I told my therapist one of my biggest problems in life is that I can be very forgetful. I have a day planner for all my appointments and such because otherwise I would simply forget things! But what about all of the small things i need to accomplish a day & do? Well, she gave me an entire pad of sticky notes & told me to start using them religiously. I (being the procrastinator that i am) have yet to start this. I think about the sticky pad in my purse as i sit here and realize even if it means having them all over the place, if it helps it's worth it!?.
So I'm going to pause the writing for a minute, & go put a note on my fridge, to drink more water.
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Ok, that's done.
Anyways.. as I was saying.. sticky notes might just be the success of me in life, in health & overall. Incorporation with my day planner. lol Ugh, how sad is it that I am so forgetful that i need aids to help me remember? Yet, when it comes to long term memory I can tell you word for word what someone said to me in a conversation about something specific, and even the tone in which they said it and what they meant by it.
I am disappointed in my mistakes.
But, I can not dwell on this, or instead of changing I'll just wallow, which surely wont help me at all.

Back on to therapy, I talked to Michele(that's her name) About my lifestyle change. It actually went a lot better than i thought. I had a lump in my throat as i prepared to tell her about this but once i did, i realized i psyched myself up for nothing. She smiled at me and told me thinks its a great idea. She feels that this and my mental health journey can be one in the same of being the me i want to be, not feel stuck being. I know that if it weren't for me making the choice to start working on my mental health and dealing with my personal issues, i would never have even been ready to begin my physical journey to getting healthier. So they do go hand in hand for me. She's very excited & proud of me for the accomplishments I've already made in both. Realizing I have problems & making the choice to do something about them. I think sometimes when we lose focus or get off track we don't realize what a big step it is just to admit we have a problem at all and decide we want a change! And we've already made those steps! So this is all a part of what I'm calling my
LIFE OVERHAUL
Physical Health
Mental Health
Achieving Life Goals
^^^^^^
These are the things I'm working towards all at the same time, but they incorporate with one another.
-Sorry if this post was all over the place, My mind has been going so crazy lately! But, I'm definitely going to sticky note myself to be blogging daily again ;) -
OH! & I've had some comments!!! How exciting is that?! :) :) I didn't even realize it because I don't go over my last entry's is there a way i can get email notifications for this or something? hmm. lol

~erica♥

Watching Big Brother & Blogging Day 19*

Updates all around:

Monday was weigh day, I stepped on the scale & it still said 314lbs.. which doesn't surprise me, i figured it might even go up. Last week we didn't have many groceries in the house & it was so busy that i wasn't able to go grocery shopping so i ate whatever we had, which wasn't always the best. So because of that, i stopped counting calories for last week. No excuse is good enough, but it is what it is. This week I've been paying more attention to my calories as well as tried to incorporate more fruits and vegetables daily. I've been eating at least 2-3 servings of fruits/vegetables, which is a lot more than i was eating. I still feel really good about this journey but, to be honest, the "uhmph" i had in the beginning is gone. I'm not as excited as i once was.. which is something i expected also.

I didn't do more than one day of my free trial with curves, which sucked because i really enjoyed it. I didn't have the 'kid-less' time in order to continue going. I still think I want to get a membership, but it's just a matter of coming up with the money to do so, as well as being sure that i will have the time to go! My kids just started soccer & soon my daughter will be in dance as well as school starting & my schooling! Crazy mess. But i will be walking twice a week up to the park with my kids & back home on soccer nights, as well as continuing working out when i get a chance. Once the kids start school, i would be able to go to the gym during the day but only till i get a job.. eh. There's so many things swimming around in my head. I also have thought about rejoining Zumba which is something i tried for a short while & gave up because i had no ambition whatsoever, i wasn't checking the scale AT ALL & i surely wasn't watching what i was eating. My class was 1 day a week and i thought "what good is one day a week actually going to do?"
Now i realize that if i start out once a week, as well as walking back & forth from soccer practices PLUS through in some strength training & other things in my free time.. it's a start! As i said, so much in my head.

I know that nothing worth having comes easy. I know that, yet i still find myself daydreaming of the thinner me to come. I still wish that i could just BE that person without working for it. I tell myself, If i could have just taken better care of my body, ate right & worked out WHILE i was thin, i would be able to enjoy my body all the while still living like this.. instead of looking in the mirror and anticipating when i will be able to not be grossed out. I know that i along this journey i must learn to love myself regardless of my weight or anything else. And i honestly am working on that.

I plan on talking to my therapist about my new plans & goals about weight loss. This is kind of a big deal for me, since I just don't talk about my weight. Very rarely I will come across a close friend who is also going through & feeling many of the same things i am.. & in that case i will talk about it. But I haven't confided much in anyone who doesn't also have weight problems. I'm really nervous about it, I don't wanna start crying while i talk to her about it & feel like i have no right to be that upset since i put myself here. We will see how it goes. I am also planning on calling my doctor's office & seeing if i can make an appointment with the nutritionist, they might be able to help me with my journey.

~erica♥