Day 13*; less than 2 weeks..

I stuffed my face with 2 Twinkies(1pack) & a soda a short while ago. 440 cals.

I remember feeling hopeless tonight, thinking to myself.. "what's the point?! Maybe it wont even work for me :/" Then i went downstairs and into the kitchen.. i opened up the fridge with the intent of grabbing a water, all the while in the back of my mind i was thinking how nice it would be to just give in even though i would feel so guilty afterwards. I also remember thinking how the only person i would be hurting is myself. As soon as i opened the door, i had given in. I grabbed the soda. I stood there for a few seconds debating on the twinkie.. "Maybe I'll just drink this soda.. but if I'm gonna drink it, i might as well eat the twinkie's too.." Then i grabbed them & ran back up to my room. Once i got up here I told my friend that i had debated on getting them.. (i was talking to her online..) I made the decision in my head that if she asked what i decided.. i was going to lie to her. WHY?! No reason, other than i was ashamed & i didn't want her to know that i screwed up. How sad right?.. Even sitting here writing this I'm rolling my eyes.
Part of me says:
"You can do this! Results don't happen overnight Erica, what are you expecting.. It's been less than 2 weeks, just stick it out.. don't worry about the number on the scale, worry about how you feel & improving that feeling! You wanna be healthy and fit. You want to able to do all those things you dreamed and walk into a room without feeling like all eyes are on your fat!"
Another part of me says:
"Who are you kidding? You're already huge.. It would take years of serious exercise and healthy foods to bring your weight down. You don't have that in you..? You have to focus on the kids, on school, on life how are you supposed to put so much focus on what you're eating and if you're working out. You felt better at first but now it's going away.. haha"
I know only I can push myself, I know only I can either choose to do this and stick with it through the long hall, or give up and be miserable in the body & life i have created for myself. I don't want that, I want to push on, I want to not give this up this time around. I want to be able to look back and say hell yea I did it! It just seems so far away, some days i can't help but feel hopeless.

1 day off track.
A few days off track.
A week off track.
A month off track.
6 Months off track.
I need to make myself realize.. that complaining about feeling, or being off track wont do me any good. No matter the amount of time I've been thrown off, or feeling as if I'm not giving it my best effort. There is always a way to turn it around again. I can do this, I will do this. I just need to know that there is always a new tomorrow, if i fall off course with my journey, i need to get right back on as soon as possible. I feel like I'm eating under calories (on most days) & working out more than usual.. but it's not doing anything. WHAT DO I EXPECT.. it's been less than two freakin' weeks. I make myself sick sometimes.. I didn't realize that starting this journey, would bring out so many emotions in me.

Day 11&12*; feel the burn!

Day 11 -
Yesterday, i ended up going to curves! I got my 7 day trial, and i worked out there. I really love it actually. Its a circut, and you are on each thing for 30 seconds. between each machine there are recovery boards so after you work on a machine you go on the board and walk or jog in place, anything to keep your heartbeat elevated. There's a loudspeaker that tells you ever 30 seconds to switch machines. It also tells you every so often to find your pulse and count, then you look at the sign and for your age group and it tells you what percentage you are working out in. They like you try try for the 70-85% range. Either way, the whole thing lasts about 30 mins, going around the circuit 2 times and then stretches when you're finished. But I'm pretty sure you could stay on a little longer if you like and there isn't many people there. I live in a small town, so when i went there was very few women there. I think if i decide to join, I'll try each machine for 60seconds instead of 30! I also stayed under calories yesterday, my main problem lately is not getting enough water in my system. I'm usually right under about 8 glasses a day

Day 12-
Today was lazy as possible. I was planning on going down to curves again today but i decided that since i had crammed on homework yesterday as well as worked out, i was going to take today off. I have every intention of going again tomorrow so long as my mom is home in time for me too. I didn't log my calories at the end of today but i did in the morning & lunch, so I feel pretty safe in saying i stayed under or at my caloric intake for today. I really can't wait to go grocery shopping and get all sorts of fruits and vegetables and things with low calories that are good for me.

I like to think I'm doing rather good with eating right and under calories as well as I work out way more than i used to. Although, i want to get into a routine of working out 5-6 days a week, but the kids are starting soccer soon and then school shortly after so i have to see where i can fit everything into. I'll be walking the kids up to the part for the practice and home to get the extra walking in there as well :)

~erica♥

Day 10*; Tomorrow is always a new day

It's late, so this will probably be short.

I weighed in today, again at 314lbs. I thought I might be disappointed in that not going down since i checked on Saturday (I know, what did i expect in 2 days?) But, I'm actually ok with it. I figure it's still a loss from last week, and I need to learn to be alright with even losing 1lb because I know some weeks.. that's all it's going to be. I sort of left myself go, I drank some soda & ate a burger and some fries today. Tomorrow is another day. I also didn't work out today, I had every intention of it.. but when it came down to it, I was like "I'll do it tomorrow" ugh, i hate that i use that line. But I will MAKE myself do it tomorrow. No excuses.

I wrote Jen(priorfatgirl) the other day, I just wanted to let her know that her blog really reaches out to me. I love how she words things, she's very honest & blunt about how getting healthy and losing weight isn't something you can just want and not work for. She wrote back and said this to me...
"I believe in you, I know you can do this. Those days when all you want to do is kick and scream about how hard it is? Do it--kick and scream. And then work out."
that touches me. It's so true. It's ok to have a bad day, to want to complain and whine about having to work out, as long as you still do it. Hell bitch about it while you're doing it if you need to, just know that nothing comes easy, and knowing you worked hard for your health and your weight is one thing that makes it even more worth it in the end. I have her e-mail saved, mainly because I feel like a celebrity wrote me back lol and another because it gives me inspiration. Sometimes all we need is some encouraging words of hope.

This week, my mom is working crazy hours & i don't have a babysitter to watch my lil lovebugs.. so i probably wont be able to get over to curves to start my free week trial until next week, I'm so anxious to start. I feel like if I enjoy it, and join the gym it will force me to take advantage of the gym itself. If I'm paying for a membership i wont want it to be a waste, and also being able to be around other people who are working out might get me to work harder for it.

~erica♥

Day 9*; The days grow longer

I worked out today, I walked outside, got my fresh air. I also tracked on a map how long of a distance it is that i walk, when i choose to do it outside & it's a mile. A MILE. I don't know why but that just seems insane to me lol. My goal as far as that goes, is to be able to not only walk it without my calves getting sore & being winded.. but to be able to jog the entire thing. I know if i keep up with my eating healthier, & working out a few times a week I will eventually be able to do that. On that day I will be one seriously proud bitch:)

Tomorrow is my official weigh day, I have a good feeling that the 4lbs lost will be it, but that's still something, & I'll be logging it tomorrow. I hope when i join Curves and start going to that as much as possible that it will help me lose weight as well as tone up. I not only want to lose this weight, I also want to physically be a stronger person.

I'm starting to learn as the days go on, it's getting harder & harder to wanna work out. Today i kept going back and forth in my head.. telling myself I needed to, but how I really didn't want to. I started to think up excuses, but none of them satisfied me.. so i kept racking my brain for a better one. Finally, i text one of my friends & told her how i needed to work out but I so didn't want to & she replied with "You better. I did more working out today than i wanted to" she meant it in a way that she had something to do today & did a lot of walking.. but just by saying that i was like ok, i gotta do this. So i got up off my ass & changed. Then as i was standing in my living room all ready to go i was like "Well i can do some kind of cardio in the house, same dif" But i knew if i stuck to that i would give up in 5 minutes saying i had better stuff to do. So i went outside & just did it. Afterwards i felt a lot better, not only because i did it when i thought i wouldn't but just in general.

~erica♥