Day 8*; So i cheated..

I checked the scale. HA. I'm so addicted to it, I went 5 days without checking it, I just couldn't wait anymore! I'm still going to weigh again on Monday as my 'official' weigh in, because today it was right after i ate dinner. But... 314lbs! I lost 4lbs in 5 days!

short update: I haven't been able to workout today, but I plan on walking tonight after i get the kids to bed, & I still haven't been able to get to Curves to start my free week & see how it goes, hopefully next week tho! I'm excited! :)

~erica♥

Day 7*;

It's been a week! :) Although, I can't weigh till Monday because at first i was obsessed with the damn scale. So I'm just gonna stick to Mondays. On to my dilemma. I haven't been eating UP TO my caloric intake. Which is a problem. The funny thing? I feel like I'm always stuffing my face! I thought going into this, that it meant i was going to be stuck barely eating & hungry all the time, but by watching what I'm eating & preferring things with low calories, I've basically got to be eating all the time. This is my day.

Breakfast:
1cup of strawberries cut up, 1 tsp of sugar over top.
1/4cup of egg whites with a dash of salt.
1cup(8oz) of coffee, with 2tbsp of creamer & a little(2tsp) whipped cream on top.

Morning snack:
1 Special K bar (strawberry)

Lunch:
I ate 2 strawberries whole(while i was cutting some for the kids)
1cup of sliced cucumber
1/4thcup of sliced onion
1 tbsp of ranch dressing
20oz of sobe lifewater (strawberry kiwi)

Afternoon snack:
1cup of cherries with the pits

Dinner:
Meatloaf (2 servings cuz it was delish)

Dinner snack:
1cup of coffee, w/ creamer & whipped cream
1 cappuccino my madre brought me home.

So you see, I far from starved. I see my errors though, I should have ate the vegetable i made with dinner which would have bumped me up a little more & i should have had an actual food snack after dinner. The only reason I'm so worried about staying right at my caloric intake is because, I don't want to drop weight super fast because I'm eating too little & then when I'm down to where I should be eating 1600 calories or so, not losing any cuz my body is used to it, ykno? So, goal for tomorrow is to try to eat between 1900-2100 calories.

I joined sparkpeople & wow. I love it!! I was using caloriecount & i still am, but spark actually tells you how much cardio you should do on what days, it gives you strength training exercises to do. I need that, it's sort of like my personal trainer! lol So now i use both, they each give me something a little different, + I love the forums and such.

I woke up this morning, ate breakfast, did strength training, drank my coffee, ate lunch, cleaned & then went to the treadmill. I wanted to be on it for 30mins but i only managed 15 with how freaking HOT it was out in the garage. I wanted to get a walk in tonight, the mile i usually walk but my moms out & the lovebugs are in bed. So tomorrow I plan on getting that walk in. OH! & i got my water in!

&I leave with this: I can't wait to see this movie! Eat Pray Love:

~erica♥

Day 6*; I knew it was bound to happen.. a sorta bad day.

Joy Nelson. 'Nuff said. I think I'm in love with this girl:



She also has sequels which are equally amazing! Okay, so not that i 'enjoy' being fat. But it's who i am, for now. I'm realizing that not only does my diet, and exercise need to change.. but so does my attitude. I need to be happy with who I am inside & out, or else.. when I do lose the weight I still wont be happy. Reading her blog & watching her videos make me feel good about the ME that is now. So hopefully, as i get healthier, i will feel good about the ME then too. I need to be ok with who I am as a person at any size & she makes me realize this ♥.

So today wasn't a good day. I didn't expect them all to be great but wow. Today hit so abruptly. I drank less than a bottle of water & I'm thinking that might have something to do with it.. I stayed under my calorie intake, but I ate crap food & i was lazy as shit. I didn't work out at all, I didn't even clean. I felt so low today, I hate that. Days where you just feel so blah & you can't put your finger on why?.. Oh well, tomorrow I will have a better day. More water, more focus & less blah. Damnit. This might have had something to do with the fact that me & my boyfriend of over a year broke up last night. Typically this would be an 'OMG' thing but it's really not. We were long distance & I feel like our relationship wasn't going anywhere. I started this entire journey thinking "HEY! I want to be thin, I want to be happy with myself, I deserve that so here we go!" Yep. That's it.. my focal point. But that's changed.. this journey has literally changed my whole life in a matter of days! I wish i had known that feeling this good(on most days) was possible just by eating right & being healthy.. i would've started ages ago. Now, I want to rearrange all aspects of my life. I feel powerful and as if I have control back! So back on focus.. we broke up, i still care about him but it's just not the time in my life to put so much energy into a relationship that i didn't feel was going to amount to anything.

I called curves, AGAIN today. I can get a free week trial!! How great! So.. that's what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna try it out for a week.. see how it goes. If i absolutely fall in love then I think I'm gonna toss out the money to join. If I'm still not sure then that will be put on hold. I'd really like to join a gym that has workout equipment, + a pool to do laps in + a pool to just swim in. But since I'm still car-less, I'll have to deal with the closest possible one. Which is Curves.

I started the search for a low calorie cookbook, But I've decided I can't make my final decision till i make it to the store & look through them. There's a Betty Crocker one i saw on amazon that looks good, but we will see. I started making my all new 'healthy living' grocery list. I'm trying to get things to snack on that are low calorie as well as things i can turn into meals. I'm also buying a recipe book so i can start to take down some of the super yummy recipes i find in other blogs.

Random Facts:
-I stayed away from the scale again! woo, T-3 days till i can hop on!
-My kids dad, who is really a pos. hasn't called them in over a month & every time i remind myself of this tidbit of info, it still blows my mind. It shouldn't.
-I love Khloe Kardashian♥
Not that either of the last of those two things has anything to do with my weight loss journey.. lmao :)

Day 5*; blogging for blog sake

Water intake for today: 84.5oz. <- This is in BIG thanks to Meg who told me last night to join PEWC & drink 64oz of water! Friends are great♥

Today was another pretty great day. It's amazing how much better I'm feeling, about myself, my health, my life. Just making the decision to start being healthier. I worked out, walking & running on the treadmill for 15mins. I wanted to push myself to go for 20, but with the running in as well I just couldn't make it. I hope to build myself up to that eventually. I'm just proud that i worked out at all. I called Curves today, I'm contemplating on if i should or want to join. It's literally a 5 minute walk from my house, so i could walk there and home as well as the 30min circuit they have there. Idk yet. Part of me wants to, but the other part of me isn't sure.. Okay, honestly, part of me is afraid that I'd sign up, and then hate it or give up on this whole thing. I'm very determined this time around to be a success story, but there is still that small fear.

On another note.. I'm starting to realize that what everyone else in my family eats, isn't always going to be what I want or should be eating. Normally either me or my mom cook & it's for everyone in the house. Well, my mom isn't big on health herself.. so if i was like "Hey mom.. let's start getting healthy foods to make for dinner & no more of this high calorie crazy junk!" she would probably laugh at me & tell me to just eat it an hush. Which sucks right? That's my support system ha. So i can foresee problems in the future with that, at least for the short while that I'm still here and trying to scrap my life of the ground. I don't want to spend more money on getting extra foods just for my dinner when the rest of the house is eating other things. My fix for this? I'm going to either look for a recipe book that is based on low calorie & healthy meals for dinner, or make my own from recipes online. Then, I'm going to try and religiously be the one who cooks dinner for about a month or so(which I'm sure she will enjoy no matter what I'm making) In hopes that once she tastes these meals & likes them.. she too will start preferring to make them.

I didn't touch the scale again today! Still had a showdown with it every time i walked into the kitchen. It got me thinking of how I will feel if i check on Monday and haven't lost anything...part of me thinks I will just use it to motivate myself even more. I read these success stories & i KNOW i could be one of them. Another part of me feels like I might be so disappointed that i take down a pint of Ben&Jerry's as a HA to my body:/ I guess I'll just have to wait & see till Monday.

erica♥

Day 5*; So, to start off..

I didn't eat any cookies or anything last night. It was really nice to not let food take over, even when i was stressed & just really wanted to give in. As for this morning, I found myself eating egg whites(something I've NEVER eaten, without the yolk), & Fat Free Milk in my cereal(which I've always thought was disgusting, but the flavor to my cereal evens it out). It's weird how starting with counting calories has changed my view on food overall. I thought counting the calories would be good for me yea, I wouldn't eat AS MUCH.. but the truth is, it makes me watch what I'm eating even more. Eating this with less calories, means i get to eat more in a day. So cutting out the little things in my meals does that. I was full from breakfast, & it was a total of less than 200 calories. 1 change, deciding to watch cals, that's all it took to get me on this entire journey!

I have to remember to thank my sister. She's the one who sent me to the caloriecount website & suggested i could use it and might like it! That's where it all started. Lately I've been pretty much focusing and thinking about this change in my lifestyle all the time. Which i guess you have to do in order to stick to it. I want to talk about it a lot with people or think of new goals, or update my journal, or plan my next meal. I know that's not a bad thing considering I just started at this, but i do hope in the future it dies down. I want this to be second nature to me, I want it to be my 'New Life' in a sense. A new way of living.

erica♥

Day 4*; S.T.R.E.S.S

I hate that I'm an emotional eater.
I hate that when I feel like the inside of me is coming apart at the seams, I want to fix it by stuffing food in my mouth. Chocolate, candy, cake, anything that's going to comfort me.
I hate that i let people have so much control over my emotions, that in turn, they control me.

I really wanna slam down some cookies right now. Like the whole fuckin' pack. With a big ass glass of milk to wash it all down. But instead, i opted for blogging hoping by the time I'm finished i wont feel that compulsive need to eat. I'm slowly learning that I need to cut people out of my life when i get to a point that I'm questioning why they are still there to begin with. If you have to question relationships of any kind, chances are it's because they aren't very healthy for you.

I need to learn different outlets for coping with stress. Every outlet I've ever had has been unhealthy. As a kid, I self-injured. Cutting+. Now i eat & eat till i start to feel sick. I've even had a small run in with binging and purging, till i just stopped the purging & gained the weight.

Isn't it amazing how, your whole day can be so great, in almost every aspect. & then one thing, or one person can fuck up your entire night? yea. I think I'm going to just try & sleep. Which is better than eating & stressing ha. It's just a matter of if i can fall asleep or not.

erica♥

Day 4*; A good day

Today was a pretty great day actually. I ate under my caloric intake for the day, which i want to try and avoid, i know eating less isn't a good thing either, but being that it's only my first week and I'm just getting used to all this I'm not upset with myself or anything. At least it wasn't over. Water is starting to be something I like to drink instead of just force myself to. I haven't had any flavor craving like i did the first day or two. I would be drinking the water and feel like i just HAD to have something to drink that had flavor to it, I even opened a soda just to take a sip of it after eating & then gave the rest to my mom. ha. But these last two days.. I can drink water all day long and be fine, aside from a cup of coffee or two :). I didn't work-out today, not for lack of motivation.. ok maybe for lack of motivation, but i also have homework i need to finish tonight before midnight. But either way i could have still worked out i just, looked for an excuse. Tomorrow, I will try & do better. I might go walk/jog on the treadmill for a little, later tonight if i get my homework done but no promises.

I stayed away from the scale all day today!! Ugh, I think i have a harder time staying away from that thing than i do eating healthy & staying away from junk! I walk past it everyday & i give it the eyeball like I'm in a showdown with it hahaa. I guess I'm just eager to see if I'm losing weight.. But I'm determined to wait until next Monday to weigh myself!

So, I know some people who are drinking like 64oz of water a day or something.. I buy deer park water, It's what i drink♥ & they come in 0.9fl oz (I read the bottle wrong. That would be 1PT.&.9FL which is .5L which is like 16oz of water)bottles... I would seriously have to drink 70+ bottles a day to get to 64oz of water :| rofl! right?.. That's a lot.. & Yes, I'm starting to like water more but not that much! I think as i go down the path of my journey, I'll make it a goal to drink a little bit more water everyday. I don't know that I'll ever get to drinking a humongous amount, but I'm sure anything more than the day before is an improvement.

Day 3*; moving along...

So I did it again. I weighed myself today, no change ha. Which i expected.. what I didn't expect is the pull towards the scale. I don't know why I've been checking regularly... I want to get myself situated so that i check maybe once a week. I need to learn to stay away from that bitch. I didn't go over my calories today, but i ate a really unhealthy lunch.. unhealthy like 690calories alone.. I kept telling myself to find something better to eat, something not as high cal, but my hands didn't listen to my head very well. It is getting a little harder, but at the same time not? Confusing. I know. I'm starting to crave things I shouldn't be having, then i think about it and the long run and what's more important to me? The meal from McDonalds with the amazing fries, or my self esteem, my confidence, my HEALTH? In result of this, I think I'm going to start giving myself one free day, to eat without paying attention to the calories.. in moderation of course. I just don't want to feel restricted in this, I want to be able to do this the whole way & not just set myself up for possible failure... If i have 1 free day a week, i can look forward to that and get the cravings down for the rest of the week.

So, I need to decide on a 'weigh day' for the week, as well as an 'off day' and stick to them just as much as i stick to my health journey. I think it would make more sense, for my off day, to be the day after weigh day? Hmm.

On a better note, I worked out today! I was so proud of myself, I almost talked myself out of it but i went for it. I walked/power walked for 20 minutes. In the big scheme of things i guess that doesn't seem like much, but for someone who rarely works out, let alone does much physical activity it was great. I was actually excited about it once I got changed into workout wear, I was only going to walk for a shorter while than that, but when i got to a certain street and my choices were to turn down that one & finish sooner or walk another block up & take longer.. i chose to walk another block. It felt great! & while i was out, i saw two other people jogging/power walking.. I don't know why but it made me giggle. Knowing that they could have once been where i am?.

I've only been at this for 3 days really, and I'm already feeling better on the inside. It may be all mental but either way, I love it. I find myself wanting to exert myself more during the daytime. I want to walk up and down the stairs several times to get things, i want to walk out to the curb to take out the garbage, i want to park farther away from the grocery store so i can walk just that little bit longer. I sit and watch tv and do leg lifts, or work some kind of muscles. I have more energy then i have in a long time and it feels good. Like i said, this could all be mental but does that really matter if it's getting the job done? I may or may not just be getting REALLY into this and as time passes find myself getting lazier, I hope that isn't the case.. but I've gone into this knowing it's going to take time & hard work. I have no illusions about this.. and I'm still excited :)


erica♥

Day 2*; . . . .

So, i just had my mom take my full body picture, facing fwd & to the side. I feel so discouraged just looking at these pictures..
discouraged,
ashamed,
disgusted,
disappointed,
sad..
& probably more things as well. I can't believe i let myself get this big.. I want to believe that these pictures aren't really of me, they're of someone else.. it's got to be a joke.

It really sucks that the encouragement of a 2lb weight loss at the beginning of the day, can be completely overwritten by an actual picture of how i look.

Day 2*; Idk how ?

But i lost 2 lbs between yesterday & today. I don't wanna get in the habit of checking my weight everyday, because i know when there is no change or a slight gain i will be discouraged but I felt like I just had to It makes me want to keep up with how I've been, drinking more water, trying hard to stay under my caloric intake, eating healthier! I am determined to get my health straight.

Weight as of today ♥;; 318 lbs