I am fat.

Yea, I know DUH that's why I'm here. But all the progress I've made, how far I'm come.. it can all get broken down into nothingness with just a few pictures.

A friend I work with was taking pictures the other day while I was at working picking one of the girls up & she just posted them on facebook & i was reduced to tears.

before revealing the pictures.. I just wanna say, I know i've worked hard sometimes & sometimes I've slacked like nothing else. I know I was even FATTER than I am in these pictures. The numbers prove it not to mention i feel so much better now than I did before. I FEEL healthier. In many ways that's a trick. I feel healthier, I know I'm working on getting thinner & healthier so there are days when I feel like I'm already there. I sit around with friends or what not & just feel like HEY I look good & I'm getting smaller all the time! Then pictures like this surface and I feel like all that false hope I was giving myself was pointless. I am hurt, by non other than myself :\

The thing that sucks the most is after almost a year of working on it, i feel like I'm NEVER going to be there, where I want to be. I know I'm my own worst enemy, I know I probably look at these pictures and judge myself way more harshly than I should but I just can't help it. & I can't help but thinking now, (remember the before mentioned crush?) that there's no way any guy could ever like me looking like this:
not to mention the fact that my make up was all off my face, my hair was a mess & I was just picking this girl up from work to take her home..

Sigh.

Here's 2 I took the other day of me..
Mind you, both sets of pictures were taken this week.. why is it that I feel like I look better (thinner?) in the second set & just want to cry in pain from the first set..

I skipped working out tonight cuz well, I fell down the stairs & bruised my ass and my wrist.. but after seeing those first set of pictures I wanted to go run my ass off at the gym for the rest of the fucking night.

I'm angry.
I'm hurt.
I'm disgusted.
I...

~erica♥

Scale, weigh in & BMI move WOO!

I freaking hate it when the scale doesn't say what I want it to.

I've gotten back into the crappy happy of weighing myself almost every day. I weight 255.8lbs yesterday I was so happy told everyone I lost more weight, felt so close to my next goal (ONLY 10 MORE LBS) & today, the day that actually counts for weighing I weigh in & ... 257.0.

It's still a loss, so yay in the victory column, but I would of loved for it to say 255! Anyways, that's a loss of 1.8 for the week :)

So the day before yesterday was supposed to be Zumba day, & well yea I skipped it. I actually skipped any form of working out at all that day & spent some time with a girl that I work with gushing about this crush I have LOL.

Last night, I went to the gym & instead of outside I did the C25K program on a treadmill. I still didn't get through it but this time I completed 6 runs instead of 3 & I wasn't as winded when I stopped. My side started to really hurt along with a shooting pain up my shin.. Hopefully next time I try, I will actually complete week 1/day 1 and then can begin the program how it should. I think that's my plan, once I know I can complete it the right way then starting THAT week, before that I will just be pushing myself to complete that week.

I was pretty proud of myself, & then there's this guy from work -cheesy loser smile spreads thick- I'll tell you all about him another time, but he's been going to the gym too. His goal though is to 'get buff' he wants to build muscle mass & yadda yadda, well he was texting me when I went to the gym & he was just so encouraging about my running. He was like "you on that treadmill yet?" after he knew I was at the gym & then he text me and was like "You just gotta pump yourself up, jump on it and run till u die" LMAO I'm always saying how dead working out makes me & so is he haha. It was really nice & a feeling I can't explain to have someone WANT to encourage me, to focus my mind & be like "just do it, YOU KNOW YOU CAN" :)

On another note, my BMI is finally OUT of 'morbidly obese' & I am now just OBESE (class 2)!!!! YAYAYAYAYAY :) I know I still have along way to go, but finally being able to move my BMI scale up, well that's just a big deal for me. I look forward to the day it says my BMI is 'normal' lol

Today is the first, so I will be doing measurements later tonight when I'm home & blogging more for you guys, hope everyone has a fantastic day.

~erica♥

Did I? Or Didn't I? hmm..

First off, I lied.. C25K day is not tomorrow, Zumba day is - either way you guys got the just of the last post lol.

Second off, I went. An hour at the gym & I hate that I even whined about it so much. I love the feeling I have coming down from a sweaty, pumped up workout! I'm glad I forced myself to go, I feel better inside & out for it.

~erica♥

mini argument with myself.

I have to go to the gym.
Deep inside me I WANT to go to the gym.
I still can't find my music player, which without it I want to stop the moment I start.
I know that if I don't go, I'll feel giulty about it.
I know that if I don't go, there's a good chance that I'll put off C25K day tomorrow also.
It's like a downward spiral.

UGH.

I am a failure.

So, tonight was my first attempt at the C25K. I did not succeed.

I downloaded the app on my phone that Meg suggested, which by the way is pretty great! You start it, and you can put it back on ur phone & still listen to music or text or whatever & it dings whenever you change from running to walking and back . Anyways, I downloaded it & set out on my journey.. I got past the first 5 minutes of walking and the first minute of running pretty smoothly, then the second minute of running was hard.. my breath was catching, my shins started to hurt a little and i felt like that was the longest minute ever! Then the third minute came along, I could almost see flames my chest was so on fire, my throat was dry, my shins felt like they were splitting open & I ended up walking for the last 10 seconds of running & then walked for the next 5 minutes till I walked myself right home.

I have two feelings towards this.

1. I'm disappointed, I know it would have felt amazing to just go out there & complete Week 1/Day 1 of it & be proud of that. Giving up is always a sucky option but I really felt like there was just no way I could accomplish it tonight without falling over in some random persons yard crying.

2. It's okay. I will saddle of the horse again and try again maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day and I will continue to try until I can complete it. That's the whole point of the C25K right? to build you up to be a runner? I will keep going until I can complete days 1,2 &3 and then move forward to week 2 and I will repeat any days I have to until I am confident and comfortable in that.

So up & down about this, but still positive! I can & will do this, I just need to build my body up to it!

I have attempted also, to set up a schedule for all of my workouts.
this is what I came up thus far, but I'm not sure if it's going to be set in stone.. if anyone has any ideas or suggestions they are (as always) very welcomed.!

MONDAY - C25K

TUESDAY - Ab Workout
Gym 30min+

WEDNESDAY- Zumba

THURSDAY- C25K
Ab Workout

FRIDAY- Gym 30min+

SATURDAY -C25K
Gym 30min+

SUNDAY- rest.

I originally wanted 4 days at the gym, 1 day of zumba bi weekly and then the ab workout whenever but since I've started & would like to stick to the C25K program, I figure that allows me to cut back a day at the gym & I think I'm going to make Zumba a weekly thing because now, I'm already ready to go back!

I really want to start dropping the weight & toning my body so even though I know this is kind of a busy schedule for working out I'm prepared to do it. Once I get the kiddos into bed my mom is usually hear and willing to keep an ear on them so most of my workouts will be at night, unless I can drag myself out of bed early enough to do it in the morning before they are up.. hm.

Next: I'm getting ready to make my grocery list for next month & I have got to be sure to get the healthies. I've been slipping on that & TBH i feel it inside, the diet of foods I've been eating I want to go back to my 100 cal packs, my healthy choice meals & my fruits and veggie loving bowls & trays :D

~erica♥

I did it. (a positive & a negative)

I rode on the bumper cars.

Flashback to last year: My sister, the kids, my mom & I all at the carnival. The kids are too small to ride the bumper cars a lone so adults have to go with them. My mom & sister take 2 of the kids on & tell me to take the third one on. I refuse, not only do i refuse but I protest that the reason is I simply wont fit. I will not be able to get that god forsaken bar down on my lap & I'll be asked to get my fat ass out of the car. I sit on the side & watch my mom and sister take two of the kids, then one of them go again to take the third. I'm practically bawling on the inside. It's so unfair, I can't enjoy this time with my family. I'm ashamed, I want to hide. I want to eat more so that I can weigh less. The entire inner struggle & battle with myself weighing me down mentally.

This year, I didn't hesitate for a second. I didn't even give it a second thought. Yea, the bar was a little snug on my stomach but it closed enough & my son steered while I pushed the gas & let me tell you what a happy exhilarating moment it was for me. Not only was the whole experience good, but my family recognized what a big deal this was for me :) they encourage me completely with the weight loss but I felt as though they were right there smiling & cheering silently for me. Proud of me. It makes being on this journey that much more exciting & makes me that much more dedicated!! :D

& the negative. I ate funnel cake, and some popcorn & a little cotton candy. :\ but it was worth it & I'll work hard this week to still gain a loss :P

~erica♥