Day 28*; Rawr! ♥

Remember yesterday, when I said how I had therapy today? And I also said how, I didn't think we would talk much about my weight loss journey because I didn't feel the need to? Yea.... well apparently SHE did. About half way through my session, she brings up this "lifestyle change" (yea she calls it that too, since that's how i told her about it!) that I'm doing and how it's part of an all new me and how i view things. Then she asks me how I feel about my weight now, as far as being out in society and as I'm sitting there trying so hard to not get emotional about it I kind of laugh under my breath as I try to get out the words "I hate it. I hate being out anywhere -this is where the tears start helplessly falling & my words start to get distorted- I feel like everyone is always looking at me disgusted" That's it. I'm a blubbering mess and as she sits there, feeling sorry for me it only makes me feel worse. I have never, NEVER had to sit face to face with someone and talk to them about how I feel about my weight. Even when I told her about my lifestyle change, I was so nervous and scared and that even went better than this one moment, with this one question did. She starts to ask me if i feel like i can lose the weight and in that moment, I realize that, I REALLY, really do feel like I can. So at the end of that session with her we decided that my lifestyle change will now be something i inform her of on a weekly basis. She wants me to start writing journal entry's for her just about my personal stuff because she feels as though i don't open up enough, she also wants me to write at the bottom of that another entry based around my lifestyle change, what I'm eating, how much I'm exercising. She thinks my weight is also a direct result of the other emotional and mental issues I have going on. I'm actually pretty stoked that she got herself as interested as she did, when I obviously wasn't the one who was going to bring it up with her often.

I went shopping today! I got a new scale and YES of course I weighed myself RIGHT AWAY, but I'm going to wait until Monday, Official Weigh day to post it & change my stats. Although I'm not really sure if I like the scale much.. It seems kinda small which makes me feel even fatter than I am :/ But we will see how it works lol. I also got the body measuring tape! So on the 18th I can be all ready to take new measurements and see if any have changed. I'm not really too sure that they will change but I don't think I'm really worried about it. I also think that I will be joining M @ TheSkinnyOnCarbs with her clothing challenge, since I have already picked out my jeans to challenge myself into. I'm going to go with her date as the date to work to fit into them comfortably!!! The date is SEPTEMBER 10th! That is exactly 4 weeks from today! I can so do this as long as i stick to my plans & working out! :D I'm starting to think that setting small goals & challenges may just be the best way for me to lose weight without rushing it TOO much. Small victories excite me just as much as any large one would. So in order to keep progressing I want to make sure I always have several small goals in order.

Today's Meals!

Breakfast: A half cup of egg whites, activia strawberry banana, Kellogg's special k bar strawberry and 8 oz of orange juice w/ mango
Lunch: I really wasn't hungry, so i had 2 caramel corn rice cakes, cup of grapes and a Breyers yogurt!
Dinner: Ugh! Mcdonalds sandwich & it was absolutely thee worst 770 calories. It was a muchroom and swiss burger ACK! Idk what compelled me to get it. i scraped the mushrooms off & just ate the cheese meat and bun w/ a vitamin water.
Snack: 2 more rice cakes. I'm so in love with these things! lol & they're only 50 calories! wow♥

So today wasn't the healthiest but before I ended up with only using 1,520 calories today. My diet should be a 2000 calorie diet. But I guess some days it happens like this. I didn't workout today. Mainly because I'm still terribly sore from last nights shred! OMG! I did stretch out a lot today & it felt so good. Like, my muscles hurt from working out but it was definitely a really good hurt if that makes any sense lmao I'm really hoping I'm not as sore tomorrow so i can try the shred again ;) RAWR!

~erica♥

Day 27*; Missing my scale..

Today's meals :)
.....

Breakfast: Egg whites, 1 large egg, on whole grain white sandwich thins 1/ 1tbsp mayo & a slice of cheese. Activia & a coke (Idk why, but i was craving this soda in the am.. I figured since it was early in the day to indulge with it)
Lunch: Kellogg's Almond Vanilla cereal, 3/4 cup of 2% milk, Breyers yocrunch yogurt.
Snack: My lays chips from yesterday
Dinner: 2 morning star grillers, 2 slices of cheese, 1tbsp mayo on whole grain sandwich thins and a half cup of cucumbers.
Snack: 100 cal milk chocolate pretzels.

Total 1,881 calories for the day :)

I'm actually very surprised, I thought once I gave into temptation for the soda this morning that my day was gonna go downhill, but i salvaged the rest of the day even with a few snacks in the mix! Yum!

I am also very happy to say that I, in fact, DID workout today!! Although, I wish i would have done way better, i still tried & that's good enough for me! I attempted the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. The one on demand is supposed to be a 20min workout or so... I lasted 10 & even though i feel pathetic even admitting that, it's true. I am proud that i even attempted it, and the reason i stopped halfway through was because my chest felt on FIRE like i could barely breathe! I know that's because I'm out of shape. But if i keep doing it and trying and push myself harder each time, maybe I'll eventually be able to finish the whole thing! I always go into a workout with bigger expectations in my head than I'm actually capable of. I tried to push myself as hard as i could while doing the video but I got to a point where i felt too weak. After i stopped my legs were literally shaking! I went out to get the mail and then came upstairs and the whole time I was like "OMG! am i gonna make it?!" LOL but I do admit, the feeling i get after i workout is such an amazing one.. that alone should get me more motivated to do this shit. I can have a blah day all day long, feeling low and kind of sad but as soon as i workout (even for 10 min.) I'm like woooo! YEA! :D haha. I wish I was able to get myself motivated enough to workout in the morning sometime so that i might be able to maintain that feeling for most of the day. Tomorrow I have therapy. I don't think we'll talk much about my weight loss journey because even though it is VERY important to me, there isn't really anything I feel i need from her that i don't already get from the many people on here & the forums I use.

Btw;; I really can't wait to get my scale.. I know not having one isn't a HUGE deal and some people don't even weigh themselves but once a month or so, but i really just wanna know if i gained since my last weigh in since I got crazy or if I'm losing now or what ugh!

~erica♥

Day 26*; Meals & Money!

Today's meals..

Breakfast: 8oz Simply Orange, with mango.
Activia light (strawberry banana yum!)
Special K bar, vanilla crisp
The apple i actually couldn't eat. I'm not a huge breakfast eater anyways so the OJ, special k bar & yogurt filled me up. I'm trying to teach myself that I don't have to force myself to eat EVERYTHING just because it's there. So i had the apple as a mid morning snack! It was delish! Except it ended up making me feel sick for some reason :/ I also had a cup of coffee i didn't take a picture of this morning! :)

Lunch: Special K protien shake which smells funny but they really are good!
& my absolute FAV! Breyers 100 cal yogurt with cookie pieces ♥



Dinner: Subway!!! 12 in turkey sub on wheat, little mayo, turkey, cheese, pickles, lettuce, onions! mmm I ended up not eating the chips.. I just wasn't feeling them. Instead I had a cappuccino from a gas station after dinner. I ate this at my kids soccer practice because i had made something else for them for dinner at home before practice!

Before i had my snacking cup of cuppuccino from the gas station, i was at 1,600 calories. My daily intake is around 2,000 or so. I feel confident that i met that today. Woo! I still feel full from dinner and I'm drinking water to keep that feeling till bedtime. I'm really proud of myself.

There are a few purchases I'm thinking of making.. I figured I'd share them with ya'll. Opinions are always welcomed!


Since my scale broke, I looked on Amazon for a new one. I don't have much money so I wanted to find a good one that wouldn't break the bank. Since all i want one for is to weigh myself i looked at the basic ones. I found this one. It is KINTREX Precision bath scale. It's $25.00 which is a great price & It would get the job done as far as weekly weigh ins!





I've been looking for a pedometer for a little while now. I feel that having this tool would be highly beneficial to me because I will always want to do better. If i walk x amount of steps one day, I'll set a small goal the next day to make it so many more than the day before. Then come the end of the night if i check it and I'm so many steps off I will force myself to even if it's just walked around the house to reach those amount of steps. PLUS! This one counts calories burned as well! Which i thought was awesome. It's called the Omron Healthcare HJ-105 Digital Pedometer It's also a pretty color♥ & only about $13. I love shopping, especially if it's not too costly & will help me out in life or on my journey! I'm starting to feel a little more motivated again. I'm not really sure if it's because I made my new short term goal or if I'm looking into some special purchases but either way it's a good thing! I didn't work out at all today, which sucks & I probably wont tomorrow but we will see.

~erica♥

Day 25*; Double Whammy!

2 blogs in 1 day!? I'm on a roll! Lol. So I just got done watching Monday nights episode of 'Huge' If you watch it, then you know how amazing it is. There was a Body Peace Treaty read on this episode, which i fell in love with in a second & went searching for..

I VOW TO...

• Remember that the sun will still rise tomorrow even if I had one too many slices of pizza or an extra scoop of ice cream tonight.

• Never blame my body for the bad day I'm having.
  

• Stop joining in when my friends compare and trash their own bodies

• Never allow a dirty look from someone else to influence how I feel about my appearance.

• Quit judging a person solely by how his or her body looks — even if it seems harmless — because I'd never want anyone to do that to me.

• Notice all the amazing things my body is doing for me every moment I walk, talk, think, breathe...

• Quiet that negative little voice in my head when it starts to say mean things about my body that I'd never tolerate anyone else saying about me.

• Remind myself that what you see isn't always what you get on TV and in ads — it takes a lot of airbrushing, dieting, money, and work to look like that.

• Remember that even the girl who I'd swap bodies with in a minute has something about her looks that she hates.

• Respect my body by feeding it well, working up a sweat when it needs it, and knowing when to give it a break.

• Realize that the mirror can reflect only what's on the surface of me, not who I am inside.

• Know that I'm already beautiful just the way I am.

I read this, & tears welled up in my eyes. I know I'm on this weight loss journey, and i know it's because I don't like my body the way it is.. But i really need to learn to stop beating myself down lower than any other person could because of it. I need to learn to love myself at any size.. even if it's not what i want, or what i like.. I still need to LOVE myself.

Moving on.. I was talking about some things in a forum with a few people about getting myself more motivated on this journey.. and someone said something that got me thinking. Yes, I have a weight goal. My short term weight goal is 295lbs. But, I've also seen so many people saying that it's not just about the number, it's also about how you feel and many other things. I have this pair of jeans. Venezia jeans, from Lane Bryant (I would get into sizes but for some reason I'm still not that comfortable with the number on my pants.) that no longer fit. I can get them up my thighs & over my ass.. but i can't button them & if i somehow manage to button them, i feel as if my lips start turning blue from lack of oxygen almost immediately. These babies are my additional short term goal.


Pleas ignore the wrinkles as i just tried to wear them the other day & when i realized they didn't fit, I through them on my floor balled up said "fuck those bastard jeans".

I'm going to put these somewhere, where i see them all the time, I'm thinking hanging on the back of my bedroom door? Idk. But somewhere as a reminder of what I'm working for. Now i have two short term goals. I feel like the more goals i can set for myself, the more successful I'll be. I thought about setting some sort of exercising goals for myself as well, but whenever i think about it I feel like the amount i suggest to myself is entirely not enough or way more than I could actually manage. Do you guys have any exercising goals? If so could you share?

~erica♥

Day 25*; Little notes

Yesterday was supposed to be weigh day.. let's just say that dead batteries wasn't the problem. Apparently my scale got water on it somehow and now is out of service. So i couldn't get a weigh in yesterday, I probably wont be able to get a new one till Friday or so. ugh!

Anyways, I've found myself cheating a lot lately & by that i mean, sneaking little high calorie snacks.. like, who am i sneaking them from? MYSELF?! ha. I think I've decided that I'm going to start taking pictures of everything I eat to post on my blog. Jen @ Priorfatgirl Just tracked her calories for a week-7 days- with photos everyday for accountability. That is my goal, starting tomorrow morning, i will be taking pictures of everything that goes into my mouth and post them on here for all to see.

I saw this book on Oprah yesterday, called Women Food and God, has anyone read this or know anyone who has? I'm thinking of getting it & reading it. From what they said on O it's very empowering and has helped many women.

Day 23*; -GASP-

First, I'd like to say that i absolutely adore comments! Every time I see that i have new ones, my heart flutters. I think mainly because knowing that people are actually reading what i write & in a way encouraging me on this journey is amazing! But it's also a little because I can be an attention whore & love having new faces to chat with! So, I just wanna say a big THANKS to those of you who are reading & an even bigger THANKS to those who post comments :)

Today I didn't count calories, or get a notepad.. The reason i didn't get the notepad was because while we were out rushing around shopping for my nephews birthday, i totally forgot. SEE! memory loss at 24. sheesh. I didn't count calories because it was such a hectic day, but I did watch what i ate and with some guesstimating tried to stay within range.

I forgot to tell you guys, on Monday when I weighed in.. right afterward my scale batteries died! So i got some new batteries for it today, just in time for tomorrows weigh in (don't get too excited.. I'm actually a little nervous about it)

So we go to my sisters after trying store after store for something to get my nephew. Did i forget to mention this party.. is a pool party? Yea. I bet you're all thinking the same thing I did. Ugh! Well i wasn't even going to bring my bathing suit to begin with, I knew there would be people there i didn't know and surely wouldn't be comfortable around, as well as my (now 14 yr old) nephew would have his friends over and lets be honest, teenagers can be mean. But, my mom told me just to pack it anyways in case i wanted to go for a dip. After we got there i got the kids into their swimsuits and just sat around the pool for a while, until I started thinking about Joy Nash & her famous fantrants. One of them goes into how, we need to live life NOW even at a heavy weight, because saying that we will do this or do that once we lose x amount of lbs means we're postponing life! With her words swirling in my head, i decided to say "Ykno what, It's hot & that water looks amazing! I'm gonna go get my swimsuit on and get in." So i did. Of course as soon as i was out by the pool i jumped in the water, like that's supposed to hide my fat or something lol. It was really nice & refreshing, then of course i felt the dread of actually having to get out! It was time to eat, before they did the cake/ice cream & presents bit. It literally took me about 10 minutes of "as soon as i get out, grab the closest towel i can find and the closest seat i can find, wrap the towel around my arms.." you get the idea. I think that's something i really can't wait to have less of. The constant nagging feeling that people are looking at my weight and are simply disgusted by it. Anyways, i ended up changing back out of my swimsuit not too long after getting out of the pool, i figured hey, i had my fat girl exposed adventure it was time to get back into my comfort zone. A little while into the part after that.. i over heard the word fat. Now what i wanna know is, does this ever do something to you guys? Like make your heart start racing, tears sort of welling up behind your eyes, your mind racing wondering what the whole conversation was even about, and if they are talking about or even worse.. staring at the entirety which is YOU?!

Hearing just the word "FAT" around anyone at anytime puts me in a tailspin of emotions and thoughts. It's almost as if i feel directly insulted even if it wasn't too or about me because, uhm HELLO, I'M FAT! Anyways, i ended up getting over my mini anxiety attack at the word and ended the evening on relatively happy note :)

Even though I'm pretty sure the scale will have either stayed the same, or maybe even went up a little I'm excited about weigh day, and looking forward to my journey once again. Especially, because Monica, over at Confessions of a + Sized Girl has asked me to join with her in having a Very Merry Weigh In on Christmas day. I hadn't posted about it, but i was looking for some type of challenge to motivate myself a little more to get into the groove of this weight loss journey! So this is just what i need to get my ass in gear! She's told me a little bit about her plans for this & I'm so down for it.

~erica♥