Idk if this will go through... But I am without a computer an missing blog world so bad! Still trying to stay on the journey though! Wish me luck!

Day 117*;

After my last post, someone left a comment that really made me think. First, I'll share the comment & then talk about my thoughts.

I've had a blog before and it failed epically. I've read through my old posts and reading your blog is like reading that blog. So I'm going to say what I wish someone had said to me in my last blog. I say this, not because I am trying to be mean, but because I want to help. If it's something that doesn't help you, then I really am sorry.

You CAN do this. You have the tools. You know what you have to do! You just need to get off your ass and do it. There are no more excuses. This is not easy, okay? No one said it was going to be easy. 2000 calories a day? You can DO 2000 calories a day. Shit, you can do 1500 calories a day. But whatever your pace is, you have to do it!

I know what it is like to be you. I WAS you. I sat there and made excuses to myself. I must've started over 1000 times. And nothing worked. And I gave up. And I'm back. I BROKE MY ANKLE because too much weight landed on it. I was so fat that I BROKE MY ANKLE! How can you NOT do this?

You weigh almost 300 pounds. That means type 2 diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, polycystic ovary syndrome, compromised pregnancy, dyslipidemia and other complications I just haven't researched yet. When obese people die, their families need to pay extra for a bigger coffin. I KNOW that people say that just losing weight will not make you feel better about yourself, but look at all the things that you are going to prevent.

Please, please, please do this for yourself. No one else will do it for you. Am I hungry sometimes? Sure. Do I want to eat ice cream and chips and Applebee's and everything else? GOD, of course I do. But you know what I want more? To have kids one day. To live long enough to see my grandchildren. To walk down the aisle in a beautiful wedding dress, not wishing to be thinner. To wear a bathing suit at the beach and enjoy myself. To be a better dancer. For a million reasons. You have to do this. You don't have a choice.

I am here for you. Everyone in blogworld is here for you. If you have questions, ask the people that have lost the weight. They know and they've been there. If you want to chew, type instead. Do research. This should be #1 on your list of priorities. This is your health we are talking about.

Anyway, I'm done. I'm just here to tell you that you can do this. WE can do this. I'm sorry if any of this offended you or scared you but I really hope it helped. You're a badass. You can do this.

Okay, first thought was ouch. I felt even worse after reading the comment then I already did posting the blog. I was already putting myself through some pretty extensive self punishment knowing that I SAY I want to accomplish things & don't & what kind of person that makes me. After reading the comment I had to walk away from the computer because my first response would of been to say "You don't know me or what I think & feel.. I already KNOW all of those things & I know it should be important" I felt judged. & I started to question the entirety of this whole journey. See, I've always been the type of person that would rather quit something then to fail at it. If I'm not even trying I can't fail. But after more thought I realized, in many ways she does know me.. not just from reading my blog over the last few months but because she herself has BEEN there. I don't want to set up any false goals that I may not stick to, so I'll go with this. I am going to start tracking again as best as I can. My tracker, tracks food, water & the like, I will also try to take as many photos of anything that goes into my mouth at all. I am in the process of setting up a detailed schedule of my life. With work, school, working out, the kids & quiet time for myself I need to plan or I feel disorganized. I am going to incorporate working out into my schedule & stick to it. I'm thinking I may try to wake up an hour before I need to get ready & get the kids up for work out time.. we will see. I will get it right eventually.

~erica♥

Day 115*; I just don't understand..

I officially disgust myself. I get so motivated in my head. I set a water goal, I tell myself (& all of you) I'm gonna start tracking and get back on track. I honestly believe it all when I say it, I want it. I want to work out at least 3 times a week, I want to eat less than 2000 calories per day, I want to drink at least 64oz of water per day, I want to start training my body to run & do it well over time. Why is it that I can want all of these things so badly, yet don't make them important enough to actually do on a day to day or week to week basis. Yes,I'm losing weight SLOWWWWWWWLY, but it's not the way I want it to be & I'm not making sure to build up muscle mass as I do it. I had a job interview, and the clothes I wore were so uncomfortable. I had a shirt on that is super cute but when I sat down the buttons the button area kinda stretched... I felt like my fat wanted to burst out of the shirt. So I sat there uncomfortable more worried about how fat I was than starting a new job.

Goals I want to accomplish before the new year:
Drink at least 64oz of water per day, steadily.
Work out at least 3 times a week for 30 minutes.
Track & eat less than 2000 calories per day.
Eat healthier food.
Blog daily.

I have less than 2 months to train my mind & body to achieve these goals. I am determined. Even if I have to write little post it notes & place them all over my house reminding me to do these things. I know I can do it.
I think without realizing it.. this has been my attitude. I plan to change that before the new year.



~erica♥

Blogidy blogidy

If anyone would like to follow my new blog, inspired by Tim @ Fat. Boy. Thin. It's called the Thee to-do list of my life. It's me blogging through a 'bucket list' of things I want to accomplish or do. I plan on having the most successful year I can with this list & adding to it whenever a new idea pops into my head ♥

Questions Game!! ( :

The questions game!! I've done this before & it's so fun! Girl Girl: Losing the Gut sent this my way this time :D Thanks! The rules are to answer the questions she asked & then post new questions and tag other 4 bloggers to answer them!

1. What is your favorite thing about the holiday season?

EVERYTHING!! I love the joy of the season, the feeling of giving and love that just seems to fill the air. I love sending Christmas cards to anyone who will take one lol & giving as much as I can whether it be gifts, joy or love. From Halloween through the new year I'm always so ridiculously happy!!!

2. What is your top 5 favorite artists of all time?

Madonna
Other than that, I can't break down any other artists that I could say are my all time fav.

3. Who are the inspirations in your life?

My children 100% I didn't have the greatest parents as role models so as much as I love them they far from inspire me, but my kids.. they teach me new things about myself and about life everyday. I want to succeed in many things not only to make them proud but to show them that life has endless possibilities.

4. What is one thing you wish you would have known when you were younger?

I wish I would have open my eyes and known that everything happens for a reason, and that things wouldn't be handed to me. I had to have the courage to work for them & take them! I also wish I would have known how useless other peoples views on me were..

My victims, I mean bloggers ( ; are...

Lisa @ In Weigh Over my Head
Bee @ The Next Biggest Loser
Shanilie @ Losing Over Half of Me
Pam @ Plump Nonfiction

GO GO GO LADIES! ♥

Day 110*; It's a long one!

Today began the new start of tracking, okay.. so I didn't track religiously ALL day, but I did track. It's a start? Tomorrow I will track better. It makes me feel more focused on this goal when I have it on paper to show, besides.. when I make it to the nutritionist I'd like to have my food journal to show her. I haven't made it there yet because of so many other things going on with life I've had to reschedule several times & still haven't made it. I have an appointment on the 17th with her that I am praying I can make it to.

OA?
I looked into possible Over eaters anyon. meetings. I mentioned it to my mother & the response I get from her is.. "You don't overeat? You're watching what you eat." LOL My mom is definately not the supportive type for almost anything. She just doesn't understand the severity that my problem with food sometimes faces. When I can sit, & eat an entire pan of brownies, KNOWING that I shouldn't, that it's not good for me, Sitting there self loathing as each brownies passes my lips & STILL not have the strength to put the brownies down & put them away... there is a problem!! If I can admit it to myself, why can't she admit it? Oh well. It's my life & my issues & the fact that I know it's a problem and are willing to go to OA meetings is all that matters. So I found one in my area, the only problem is that it's on the same night my daughter has dance, 5:30-6:30, she goes to dance from 5-6 :| I desperately want to be able to go to this meeting, so I'm going to sit down with my mother & see if there's any possible way we can work something out.. Any readers attend Overeaters Anonymous? What are your thoughts or comments on it?

5k THOUGHTS
So I know I'm still early in my journey, and I know that even jogging for 2 minutes, kills me, I can't breathe, my legs start going numb, my throat is literally flaming on fire.. but one of my lifestyle change journey goals, is to someday be able to run FOR FUN! I know sounds crazy right? But I want to be able enjoying going for a run. I found a website that lists the 5k runs in your area, when, where, what for all that kind of thing.. I think that I'm going to take advantage of this. I really would like to participate in events like these simply so have the joy of actually doing it! I need to start making myself run for even a minute or two a day until that doesn't hurt so much, then bump up the time. It's probably the only way that I'll be able to enjoy running someday. I know a lot of you are avid runners, and many of you probably didn't get that way over night lol. So how did you slowly build up your stamina for running? Or prepare yourself for a race or run?

GOAL REACHED!!!
So as I'm sure some of you may have noticed, I have officially reached my first short term weight goal!! I reached it last week, but I was too afraid of it being a fluke, or gaining or messing it all up SOMEHOW that I wanted to wait a week just to be sure. Last Monday at weigh in I was at 295!!!!

I honestly, don't know how I even made it here!! I feel like I slacked off so much so far on this journey, and I've had so many bad days and days that were hard to get through. But I managed to reach my first official short-term goal weight!!!! WOOOOOHOOO! & For that, I plan on going to get my pretty little nails done this weekend ( : Possibly even my toes too if I'm feeling frisky! haha I deserve it♥

NEW GOALS
Lets start with my new short-term weight loss goal, It's a little bigger than my last one was but I'm ready for it. Hopefully it will just keep me motivated more!! RAWR! LOL My new goal weight is 245lbs!
That's 50lbs from 295, my last one was about 30 from the weight I was in the beginning of July. I know I can do this!!!! My short term non weight short term goal is another pair of jeans.
These bad boys, go all the way up over my thighs & fit PERFECTLY in my legs, they just wont button, not at all. Not even to the point of I just can't breathe whatsoever, they simply don't close enough to even button. sigh. But I am determined to fit into these suckers & enjoy the way they make my legs feel sexy yet comfortable!

CURVES
So I looked into curves again, I need a place to workout since home isn't really a viable place unless I'm working out, outside or in the garage & let's be honest with the winter approaching neither of those options sound reasonable. I know I'd use the cold weather in a heartbeat as an excuse not to be working out when I should. So I called curves & they currently have a reduced membership fee, If I can come up with the money to join, then I'm there. I've already had the free trial thing & even though I only went one day I love the atmosphere of the building, not to mention my aunt & my cousin both are getting memberships, which means at any given time they can call me up and ask if I wanna go. It'd be like a workout date!! & if I was available no way would I turn that down :D It will give me a chance to have a workout buddy or two which sounds so appealing to me! Plus, it's set for a 30 min workout, but with the amount of people that go to this particular one, I could probably take a few more times on the circut or an extra 30 seconds on each piece of equipment every now and then to stretch out my workout for the day to more than 30 mins. I really hope this works out this time, I'd love to be a curves member & have a place I can go that's climate control & enjoyable.

I will leave you with this clip from one of my new & improved favorite shows! Mike & Molly!!! If you haven't caught an episode you might want to, it's funny, romantic & is about fat people LOL




I know this was a long post, It's been a while since I've had one this long! AHHH for those of you who read the whole way through I thank you ( : Btw; I only had 16oz of water as of now, but as soon as I finish my coffee I have at least two bottles calling my name!

~erica♥

Day 108*; Being sick is no fun :(

So last night, the trick or treat candy overpowered my will. I ate like 5 pieces & today I didn't track, but I ate cheetos & more than one serving. I'm still staying on track I just need to start writing down again. I'm going grocery shopping after work tomorrow so I'll be stocking up on the yummy foods that are good & healthy for me :D Which always makes it easier to stay on track!! I'm currently sick so I feel bleh to begin with. I'm calling curves again this week to check their rates, my Aunt told me their membership fee is reduced right now or something if that's the case I'm definitely joining! & I can then make a goal to go as often as possible & get a 30 min workout a day from that alone. I have so much going on in my life, it's hard to stay focused on each thing & give it the time it deserves. I'm gonna get a new planner as soon as I can find one big enough, one that has a large amount of room for days. Then I can write in everything I need to do each day whether it be school work, working out, appointments, practices for the kids or anything. This will help me stay on track better with things!

~erica♥

Random!

I'm starting my Christmas card list for this year (anyone who does them knows what a process it can be lol) but I love doing & sending them!! I know most people aren't comfortable giving their addresses out to people they don't know, but if anyone would like one you can just email me your name & address & I'll be sure to send one your way :D this is just an open invite to cardom LOL :P

Day 106*; Miss me?!

Hello my little ghouls & goblins!! I'm making a comeback to that wonderful world of changing my lifestyle ( : I fell completely off the wagon for a while, & to be honest I've been fooling myself. I think about this journey everyday, knowing I'm not doing anything to help it along in any way but still it's there in the back of my mind hoping to break free & take over me soon. DUH! It's not going to just do it by itself, I need to get more motivated, back on track, more focused, determined to see this thing through. I recently just found my food log again (yea, I had lost it.. that's how OFF the wagon I've been LOL) Tomorrow is weigh day, I also keep SLACKING on updating my measurements, so tomorrow I'm weighing in, taking measurements & starting to track everything again. I am also going to look into curves once again, because I was enjoying doing the tv exercises for a while, but my dad got sick & is now on the couch most of the day, I would feel far too uncomfortable to work out with him right there, walking is nice but it's not strength training any of my core muscles it's light cardio and legs the most. So I might just bite the bullet & join curves & go as much as possible, I need to kick up my work out game A LOT. I'm also restarting my water goal tomorrow, for the month of November & anyone who would like to help me out, Email me for my cell #, and randomly throughout the day send me a texts reminding me to drink water. You can even be forceful if you want! LOL "Drink a bottle of water NOW." haha, I need that!! It's sad, but if it will help then I'm all for it :D I know the Holiday is right around the corner & I'm going to want to at least feel good working out & trying to be healthy throughout that time as to not have the guilt and anxiety at the end of the day.!

I missed you all so much :D

~erica♥

I spent..

the last several days binging. I don't know why or how to take control back. I have positive thoughts in my head about how I wanna get back on track full forced & how I was losing 3lbs a week &now it's not even a lb a week, I'm not working out or eating right so I know all the faults.. it's just so hard. Why is it so hard? This shouldn't be so difficult, eat healthy, workout, i enjoy both of those things. But when I get emotional or things in life are stressing me out too much all i want is to spend the whole day stuffing my face.. :/

~erica♥

Day 88*; Titless. ROFL TITLELESS* I'm leaving that there though cus it's an amusing fail( :

First, I'd like to start off today, with saying that these bad boys to my right are the devil. I was craving them so bad the other night & I passed on the idea of going to get them. BUT THEN! I went to the store the next day & they were staring me right in the face. So I got them, hoping & praying that I could eat them in moderation.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Who the hell was I trying to kid? Ate the whole bag in two sittings, half the bag as one serving & the other have as a 'snack' before bed. I was defeated, and cursing myself as each chip went into my mouth, but of course.. it wasn't enough to stop me. So the self guilt kicked in & I spent the time digesting all the chips wondering why food has such a great power over me?

NUTRITIONIST:

I had to reschedule my appointment, it was supposed to be for this afternoon, but I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW!!! (WOO!) So I had to reschedule it for next week, which kind of disappointing me because I was so looking forward to going. I'm excited to sit down with someone & discuss my diet (what foods I've been eating to date) I plan on bringing my food journal to give a better idea. I'm also excited of the thought of her helping me to determine what foods and food ideas might be. As I stated before, I really do not know what to expect at the nutritionist but I'm so excited about! So we will have to just wait a week & see how it goes (:
WEIGH DAY & MEASUREMENTS COMING SOON!:

This coming Monday, is not only our regularly scheduled weigh day.. it is also the day for me to do my measurements. I didn't do them do last month because the day came & went before I could, so I put it off until this month. I'm slightly nervous about the measurements as I always am because I fear that I wont see ANY loss & be discouraged about it. I'm also VERY nervous about weighing in, lately my weight has been fluctuating so much & I'm sure it has to do with the fact that I haven't been working out or tracking my food & staying on goal. Sometimes I wonder wth is wrong with me. I want this healthy life & weight loss SO badly.. I desire it more than any foods or lazy days when I actually think about it, but then when I'm in the moment of weakness to food or wanting to just lay on the couch they seem to prevail. I've also felt lately, like I can't stop eating! I have 90 calorie snack packs & 100 calorie snack bars and such yet I still tend to overeat. I'll grab 2 packs or 2 bars instead of one.. then a few hours later I want more so I'll grab another 1 or 2.. I disgust myself when I do this although I try to focus on the changing it rather than the disappointment in myself for doing it.

NEW STUFFS! :

I got some new fun items the other day, while I was keeping on track I realized that as far as tablespoons and teaspoon measurements I was guesstimating the amounts, which made me feel like it wasn't even worth it to track because I wasn't being completely accurate. I also decided that I wanted to get a food scale for the same reason. So I've gotten these two lovely devices. I haven't really used them since I've already been so offtrack on my own, but I am planning a re haul on my food tracking & focusing more on being healthy and eating 2000 calories a day. It's always fun buying items towards helping myself stay on track because then when I realized that I've put out the money for it, I feel like I HAVE to use them or I'm just being a moron. LOL I also plan on starting up the whole picture taking of meals to keep me accountable.. AGAIN I know I say and do this a lot, I'm pretty sure some of you are getting sick of my tedious behavior. I have great intentions with enthusiasm.. then I never follow through or just give up on. Believe me when I say I am sick of my tedious behaviors as well, I really would like to say I'm gonna stay on track, be focused, track everything, workout weekly, take these photos & accomplish my goals without a hitch & actually do it.. but it never seems to work that way for me :/

I have more that I want to write about, but I have so many other things to accomplish today so when I find time I will be back! Maybe even two blogs in one day :O could it be?! We shall see!!

~erica♥

Day 83*; Bad breakfast...

Today has been a horrible day food wise. My first meal was from McDonalds, & I should have known then that it was going to be down hill.. which it was. Now it's the end of the night and as I reflect on the meals I've eaten today I'm considering tracking with photos again. I know i've done this several times and each time, I just stop after the first few days. It's hard to be so accountable for what I'm putting in my body, to know that even if it's unhealthy and totally off track I would have to post about it here. I am one of those people who tend to blog on positive notes, but when I feel as though I'm failing I step away from my writing. It's shameful, I may not know my readers personally, or have ever even had negative comments or judgment come at me from posting about a bad day or bad meal as I know some of you have... It's just hard to share with others that I'm I failed a day or a week somewhere a long the line. I need to change my mentality with this, someday I hope to not be failing at all and to be that focused and strong that I am doing everything I need to be doing on point all the time no exceptions. But until I get there I will learn to blog on the bad days just as much as I do on the good. I deserve to be honest with myself and with all of you.

On another topic, I am so absolutely jealous of those of you who have workout buddies, or people who are sharing the same journey right there with you. I went on SparkPeople today and started adding tons of people who live in and around my area. I so badly want to make some great friends that I can call and head to the gym with, or plan days of hiking or even healthy lunch dates. Someone who I can call and text and any number of ways of getting in constant whenever I just want to talk about the journey or even have them kick my butt when needed. Some days I want to work out, so badly I just can't find it in me to do it, but a few times I've had friends tell me "Just go do it now." or "work out. now, you'll feel better" Simple statements like that from people I care about at certain times when I need to hear them the most really do help me step up my game. I thought about how it might be fun to have someone to text at each meal even and say "I'm having (food names here) for breakfast! only (this many calories)! what are you having?" But none of my close friends who I text with or talk to regularly are really sharing in the same journey as I. I have a few friends who talk about diets from time to time, or who say that they need to do something about their weight but are not actually ready to do something about it. Hmmm just thinking out loud I suppose.

No workout today, I had a 'blah' feeling most of the day, I blame it all on that MCD breakfast. I think I've learned my lesson.

~erica♥

Day 82*; Reaching Goals!!

Not to much time to blog tonight, It's been a busy day & I'm exhausted. But I am staying on track & I worked out twice so far this week!!! My water challenge isn't going the way I'd hoped but hopefully with tracking it, and having to put these pathetic numbers up for you guys it will kick my hiney into wanting to drink more!! Anyways, the real reason for this post was....

I DID IT!!! I now fit proudly into my goal jeans! They are still a little tight, but not unwearable and I LOVE the way they feel on my thighs. I put them on the other day, just to see if they would fit because all of my pre journey jeans are starting to be so loose they fall off & I haven't yet been able to go shopping for a belt, so I really didn't want to have to be pulling my pants up all day. I tried them on, nervous of course.. almost not breathing because that breath would have hope in it and I didn't want to be disappointed. But they fit!!! OMG RIGHT?! It was so exciting & of course now I rarely want to take them off haha! I have another pair of jeans in mind for my next goal ;) but I'm gonna give these bad boys a little time to get even loser on me before I set up the next goal. Thank you all so much who have started the jeans goal with me & have now seen it succeed! This --> GOAL JEANS <-- was the initial posting of the jeans on August 10th & now, 2 months later I reached it. It's my first weight loss goal reached && boy oh boy does it feel good!! :D 295lbs here I come!!

~erica♥

Day 79*; bunches of stuff!

Yesterday

My niece's birthday party was yesterday. I know.. I KNOW you're thinking it too right?... CAKE, AHHHHH!!!! Yea, so was I. I did well for breakfast, but then I had to run around and do gift shopping, pick up my kids from their nan's and head over to the party so I skipped out on lunch which I stressed about for a few seconds. I know that having steady healthy meals are going to be the baby steps that help lead me to success. Anyways, I get to my sisters house, for starters she made mac & cheese & hot dogs as the meal. Great. She's trying to ruin me! lmao, so I chow down, I had to eat something I was starving, and I didn't want to be like oh no no no, you must accommodate my healthy diet. So I ate it, it was actually delicious & I figured since I skipped lunch I could afford the extra calories. Before I even left my house, I had decided no cake. I didn't need it, or even really want it. Then, after eating food.. seeing the cake.. I said "okay, okay.. self.. one SMALL, TINY, TEENY, MINUSCULE, little piece." Well, as my sisters cutting the cake my moms putting ice cream on the plate & then just shoves the plate in my face. Before I even had time to think at all, I grabbed the plate.. went.. sat down & almost inhaled all of the yummy goodness that is cake with whipped topping & ice cream. Damn. The cake won that battle... I WILL HAVE MY REMATCH!. LOL.. Yea the dramatics really are necessary.

Today

I did pretty well today. Not wonderful, but pretty good. Breakfast & lunch went off without a hitch. Breakfast was, egg whites on an everything bagel thin with cream cheese and a 100cal choc. milk. Lunch was a healthy choice frozen meal with a bottle of water. I had coffee for brunch and a yocrunch & broccoli and cheese as a snack after lunch, which came to about 900cals. Then my mom made corn beef & rice for dinner. uhhhh SO GOOD! I measured out 2 servings of rice and topped it with a little corn beef... and THEN realized how good it tasted & went back and loaded my plate back up. I dislike my small defeats rofl. But I can deal with them.

Weigh Day!!

Mhm, I am officially back down to 299lbs!! Out of the 300's!! :D This time I plan on working hard to make it to goal before the end of October. That's a loss of 4.6lbs in 3&1/2 weeks. So doable! Just stay focused. Work hard & I can be all over that bad boy in no time! & Then on to bigger goals & a smaller waistline!

Water Goal

I haven't exactly been reaching my water goal. When you go from barely drinking water to downing it, it takes some time. I'm not discouraged with the slow start, 48ounces is a good jumpstart. I'll try and kick it up more tomorrow!! I've done it before so I know I can. I also know what positive affects water can have on my body as well as my emotional & mental self as well as my energy levels!

Nutritionist&&Working out

So I called & made a nutritionist appointment today! I go next week to see this wonderful woman. I'm a little nervous.. I have no idea how it will go or even what a nutritionist does. But I know that one way or another it will help me a long on my journey. I'm not sure if I will have to continue seeing her or if it's just a once and done thing, I really am clueless here, excited, but clueless. ANDDDD ladies & gents.. I WORKED OUT TODAY! OHHHH it's been too long, and tomorrow I will probably be sore. But I'm looking forward to that. I don't know why I love that feeling, but it's addicting! I only worked out for 10 mins, of a 30 day shred video that's on demand. I can work out longer but it really depends on the workout. Either way, I am SO out of shape... but it's a work in progress!! :D

~erica♥

Day 77*; back on track, water goal, review & the big 5-0!

TODAY

Today, I logged my food all day.. except for what I had for dinner because I couldn’t find the nutritional facts on Stromboli. I also decided that as soon as I can I’m going to get a food scale & measuring spoons. It’s hard to know exactly how much I’m eating of certain things without these useful tools. Up till now I’ve been guessing and using what I’ve had, but I want to get very serious about weighing out my food and measuring things. So I’m pretty sure I’ve stayed under 2k calories today but again, not certain. Being back on track is a good feeling even though it’s just the first day, and I didn’t get to work out.. I saw a few challenges where people want to work out everyday in October for like 20 minutes or so I’m thinking I might start that as well. I haven’t worked out in a little while but I know I want to get back on track with loosing weight!! I want this bad enough & even when there are other things going on in my life, working out, losing weight, getting healthy and being healthy, make me feel better overall. Dealing with other life struggles may be a little easier or feel a little better if I’m being healthy. I ate 4 servings of fruits/veggies today! I can’t even honestly say how long it’s been since I’ve eaten that many servings in one day without trying. I just ate foods I liked that were low in calories and then realize that I was eating more fruits/veggies! I swear it’s a domino effect when it comes to being healthy. You make the decision to eat less than so many calories and you find yourself uping your healthy foods that are better for you and give you good energy.

WATER GOAL

I am making a water goal as of right now. Starting tomorrow I will drink 8, 8oz cups of water a day to average out to 64 ounces a day. This is a goal for October, everyday for the month of October I plan on drinking 64 ounces of water a day. I will set up a little side bar option as well as updating all of my weights. When I was drinking plenty of water throughout the day, I felt better. I naturally hade more energy, I felt better about life in general my mood was lifted and I didn’t feel the need to snack as often because I would be full from water in between meals. I firmly believe that water is good for your entire mental, physical and emotional body.

50 FOLLOWERS

I reached 50 followers! WOW! How exciting is that?! 50 people have come by my blog and decided it was interesting enough to follow. I can’t even describe how that feels & it gives me more motivation to want to get back in the blogging habit of things! I want to say thank you to every one of you who follow my blog, who take the time to read it and take an interest in it & to those of you who leave comments that push me and help me see through the rainy days. I appreciate each and every one of you!! Email me or comment me ANYTIME. I try to follow everyone back that follows me and I’ve been trying to keep up with blogs and comment. You guys are such a great help during this tough journey! Thanks again!!

GREEN GIANT - JUST FOR ONE
These things are absolutely DELISH!!! They are a weight watchers product, 0 points, but I do calories & they are 40 calories per serving. They are filling as a snack and as I said, absolutely scrumptious! I have the broccoli & cheese ones, as well as the cauliflower and cheese. I haven't tried the cauliflower ones, but I'm betting they are just as yummy! New favorite snack for certain. They take about 3 minutes to heat up in the microwave, are healthy, filling and you can use them as a snack between meals or an add on to a sandwich or something as well. I had a coupon for them which is why I got them to begin with but after trying them I must say they are an item I will be getting over & over again! ( :

~erica♥

Day 75*; Over 2 months & counting...

I did some thinking today, I'm ready to hop back on the wagon. Ha. I know that the whole "I'll start tomorrow" Is a horrible vicious cycle.. but the thing is.. I have to wait until I go grocery shopping to REALLY start, mainly because we have hardly any healthy foods in the house & I would starve otherwise. But I am going to set up a weekly goal of working out at least 4 days a week for 30 mins. Now my 30 mins could be 15 here and then 15 there but at least 30 mins of actual working out a day 4 days of the week. I have my food tracker journal which I will start using again and I will start a water challenge of my own as soon as I can go grocery shopping and begin again. I was downing on myself a lot & I have gained weight back which sucks, but I'm ready to work towards reaching my first goal and STAYING out of the 300's! & Also be back to blogging. I know I keep saying this, I'm so horrible sometimes haha ♥

It's amazing to me how I could be so focused and on goal in the beginning yea, I had bad days here and there and then somehow I get SO off track. But I guess it's all part of this journey.. my journey and sooner or later I will be able to do all of this with ease.

~erica♥

New Beginning!

I want to say thank you to all of my readers that commented on the last post with such encouraging and positive things! I appreciate you all so much! I am going to get back on track. I deserve to reach this goal, I want it bad enough and all giving up would do is set me back further than when I started, And I would have to start all over again... I miss blogging everyday & I miss being accountable for my actions on a regular basis.. I'm not sure if I stopped blogging so much because I started messing up, or if I started messing up so much because I stopped blogging everyday.

I missed my measurements for the month, I was going to do them last night just to catch up for it.. but since I've been so off track I think I will just skip this months measurements & check them again on the 18th of next month. Gives me some time to work towards my goal again and lose more inches before I check it again.

I weighed in today at 301lbs, official weigh in is on Monday I didn't log last weeks, I will it's just hard to have to put the numbers back UP instead of down lower. :/ But beating myself up about it wont solve anything unless I put it to use!

Again, thank you to ALL of you.. I am so thankful to have people like you guys supporting me!

~erica♥

so off track..

I gained three lbs... I haven't been working out or tracking AT ALL & I haven't even been implementing the tools i know I should. I'm so disappointed in myself, I want this but so much other stuff has been going on I feel like I'm at the bottom of a barrel struggling to get out. I am less than 10lbs from my short term goal weight & I'm screwing it all up :/

~erica♥

Day 60*; Did you miss me?!

WARNING: This might turn into a long post, I may try & wrap it up quickly, I really don't know.

Mini Update:
I haven't been tracking my food, I know SHOCKER! I don't know why I feel it's so difficult lately. I've had a lot going on with the kids, school, my ex, ME & I've just been so drained it seems like it takes so much to even track. I hate it, and hopefully can get back on track soon enough. Exercise has also not been a part of my daily routine. I still try to keep my body moving, even if I'm just sitting here I'll shake my leg or flex my feet.. something little but no big workouts or anything. I mentioned before about the Zumba class, it has started but we haven't gone. I have to figure something out with babysitting in order to make the classes. Hopefully I can convince my mom it's something important we should definitely get on. Even if she ends up not liking it, I can still go!

Weigh In:
I weighed in on Monday and lost 2.4 lbs, THAT MEANS I'M OUT OF THE 300'S woohoo!! I can't even describe the feeling I got when I stepped on the scale that morning! ( : a 2lb loss isn't all that much, but I can't expect much when I'm not tracking or working out. I'm surprised I'm even still losing but oh so thankful for it!! Only a few more lbs to go before I reach my first goal weight! It's exciting. It makes me want to make sure I put more effort into it to accomplish this first goal I have so I can get excited about setting a new one and working for that! I really am so glad that I started this journey. It is important to me even if I haven't been making it a priority lately. I hope I can begin to work harder and push more to reach these goals.

Random Thought:
I'm not sure if anyone else feels this way, but there were several times this week that the thought crossed my mind.
Scenario 1- I met a guy on facebook, who added me and we started talking. He lives in my town and had made the comment about taking me out to dinner sometime. Not that I would ever really consider this unless I talked to him for a long period of time.
Scenario 2- An old friend from high school contacted me on facebook and has been subtly trying to flirt. Telling me he liked me in high school and then asking me if we could meet up sometime for drinks or something.
In both of these cases, my first thought when meeting up was mentioned was "You think you wanna meet up until you actually see me & how fat I am" I feel like just because they see my pictures, and because I don't put up body pictures only facial pictures, they don't really know what I look like. So many people tell me they don't think I'm fat purely based on the pictures they see. My face may not show it, but listen here I'm fat. It makes me so uncomfortable because not that I wanted to really meet up with either of these guys, but if I did I would be entirely too uncomfortable showing up a place to meet someone knowing that they probably expect me to be much smaller than I am. I've had this happen before where I got back in contact with an ex via phone & talked for a few weeks before meeting up in person. When we finally did meet up I was second guessing my looks the whole time and not really surprisingly, wasn't called back after. Now, I know that if a guy is going to blow me off based on my weight, he's not worth my time in any way. I am a strong, smart, caring woman and I deserve to have someone love and want me who is going to stand beside me fat or thin. But it doesn't really take away the embarrassment factor of the situation.

Apologies:
I am so sorry that I haven't been blogging as much as I should or even want to. I feel like I'm letting readers down when I don't & I'm going to make an effort to try and blog as often as possible as well as NEVER let a week pass by before I post again. I appreciate every one of my readers & as I've said before I absolutely ADORE the comments. I also love emails so you can message me there anytime!

~erica♥

9a396481-931b-4db0-b5e5-118ee0babed6

1.03.01

Day 54*; Zumba, Goal Jeans & Thanks!

The thin within

It's actually starting to come out. Obviously, not fully because I'm still a big woman. But I actually felt thinner today! This could be completely mentally, but I like to think it's not. I feel thinner, I feel better, I feel prettier. Today I got dressed & I was like I can tell I've lost weight. I didn't know when the day would come! I honestly didn't expect it until I had lost 50+lbs and people were telling me all the time that I've lost weight, but it's an amazing surprise. It boosts my confidence in such a big way, it's hard to believe. I'm really proud of myself for starting this journey, and even though I've had many ups & downs already in such a short amount of time, I will keep pushing through & seeing progress and hopefully get better and better living a healthy lifestyle!!

Daily Meal Photos

Ok as far as daily meal photos, I've learned that when I take them, I track them & I post them. I do really good usually those days & I'm proud of myself for even being able to keep up with staying under caloric intake as well as accomplishing my goal to track & document. Days that I don't day pictures, I don't track & obviously don't post photos of my meals. UGH! It's such a damn cycle. I want to track, I think of tracking & documenting. But then I make something to eat & I completely forget the picture and from there I feel like what's the point. I try to track, but once I miss a meal, or two I'm like WHAT'S THE POINT?! When clearly, there could still be a point. I could still track, go back over what I ate. Write it down, track the calories. Even with photos I could go back and take a picture of the empty container it came in, or packages of what was used. There's really always some way. But I get lazy, and discouraged and that's it. I give up. I could really kick myself for that. I need to just, DO IT. That's it.

STOP BEING SUCH A FAT LAZY LADY AND TRACK YOUR FOOD, DOCUMENT IT, IT HELPS YOU KEEP YOUR CALORIES UNDER CONTROL, IT HELPS YOU MAKE SURE YOU'RE EATING ENOUGH. JUST DO IT DAMNIT.

Zumba!!

I just started my daughter in a new dance studio, she's been in dance the past two years but there were problems with finances this year so they couldn't open on time. I didn't want my daughter to miss out on anything, as well as the fact that there were many things I didn't agree with last year. Anyways, Tonight was her first night & guess what they have zumba!! 3 days a week! I'm so excited, I'm gonna be going! I love it. I've done it before but didn't stick it out, I wasn't on a weight loss journey so eating write wasn't what I did & I only had a class once a week and figured what the heck is that going to do for me? But at the dance studio, it's 3 times a week for an hour. I'm eating better now and know that exercising and eating right in combination can be an amazing thing to a lifestyle change!! I'm super excited. & I think, to treat myself for the 20lbs lost, I will buy some cute workout wear, to wear to the zumba classes! ( : They start next week I think, I have to look a bit more into it & my mom wants to do it with me! So, I also need to find a sitter. I will def. Keep you guys posted on that!!


Goal Jeans

I tried these bad boys on the other day, They are still tight & breathable but I didn't let it get me down. I just keep my head up, and eye on the prize. It will happen soon enough I'm sure. Then I'll be posting all about my wonderful goal jeans fitting comfortably! woo! I also found a second pair of goal jeans which I will blog about & add a picture of once I fit into the current ones!

COMMENTS!COMMENTS!COMMENTS!

I really can't express enough how much I love getting comments! I feel so giggly when I sign on & it tells me I have new ones to approve! How awesome are all of you?! I'm so proud to have readers like you guys, and to know that you guys read what I write is something that helps to keep me coming back here!



~erica♥

9b9e361d-d28f-4d2d-9c85-cb046c5edb9e

1.03.01

So long 20lbs, hope I never see ya again!

This is going to be a short post, I wanted to share some thoughts.. but I will post today's meals tomorrow morning when I update. I don't know why but lately writing in the morning seems to be the key to staying blogger friendly lmao. Anyways, As I stated this morning my weight is now 302lbs which of course, I've already begun doubting. "Oh it was just fluctuating that low this morning", or "The scale may be wrong" Anything to not let myself get too excited. I really need to understand why I do this to myself? Why can't I just enjoy the number I see and let it go? Ugh, anyways.. That means that I have officially lost 21.8 lbs so far in my journey!!! I started in the beginning of July at 324lbs & now I'm so close to being out of the 300's I can taste it!! 20lbs may not seem like a huge deal when i need to lose 4563546345 more, or to people who have lost 100+lbs already. But to me, it's epic & gives me some motivation to keep it up! I wanna giggle like a little girl knowing I can be out of the 300's within the next 2 weeks or so!!!! I also have been taking more body pictures of myself when I can, It seems to help me boost the way i view my self image. It's like telling myself yea, I'm big but SO WHAT?! I'm working on it, and I'm freaking beautiful! So I leave you with my latest body pic, from last week taken at my therapists. ( I know right? What a freak, taking pictures of myself at my therapists office! hahahaha I don't have a mirror that I can take body pictures from, so I gotta do it where I can!)

I definitely feel like this picture emphasizes my fat stomach haha.

~erica♥

Day 51*; Weigh day♥ :O & yesterdays food!

Bagel thin, tbsp peanut butter, 1 lg banana, activia strawrberry banana

Healthy choice microwave meal, SO DELISH!

100 cal pack!♥

All lettuce salad 2cups, half a piece of steak, spritzer ranch vinaigrette

100 cal, yoplait delights (I have to be honest, I thought this would taste better than it did)

I stayed under my caloric intake yesterday, but way under, about 500 calories. So today I'm aiming to get closer to my goal of around 2000 calories. That's what several websites told me I should be eating. I didn't feel starved though, and I had a handful of sunflower seeds before bed that probably added some on there. All in all a good day. Still didn't work out at all, other than cleaning my house and what not. I really need to get back into it. I miss that feeling so much of "Ahh I'm all sweaty and feel like I'm gonna dieeee, this is amazing!" hahaha

I'd say i had a good day yesterday (:

WEIGH DAY!!

Today is weigh day! & I weighed in at a beautiful 302.2lbs!!! I really have no idea how the hell I managed to lose FIVE POUNDS! But wow, 3 more lbs to go before I'm out of the wretched 300's & never looking back!! I'm so excited! ( : I'm really gonna work hard this week for this! I can freakin' taste this victory!

~erica♥

Passing out an award!

So I had two bloggers give me an award this week! MY FIRST EVER BLOG AWARD!! I am so thankful for this & appreciate it to the fullest!! Wow. I feel like I should have a speech prepared for winning an emmy! LOL ♥♥


The Rules for this Award:
1) Post who gave you this award
I have 2 lovely ladies to thank for this award. Lyndsay @ Thinspiration & Megan @ Status MIA - Thank you so much!! It means so much to me to know that people are reading! People are there, watching my journey. My good days and my bad and all the crazy ups and downs in between! Thank you again!!

2) State ten things you like

• Dallas Cowboys Are you ready for some football?! I sure am!! I have been freaking waiting for this football season so grace us with it's presence & I am a complete Dallas fan!
• Shopping, I am a firm believer in retail therapy. If I'm mad, sad, frustrated.. I can take my happy ass to the store & shop myself into a better mood!
• The Fall Season, OMG!? I went outside yesterday, and felt the wind whipping around my face, I got a slight chill and I about screamed with joy! Long sleeve T's & jeans weather is here! Long walks listening to the wind, sitting on the porch drinking my hot coffee & contemplating life in such a peaceful head space. Freakin' amazing!
  
• Lazy days, where I don't have to clean or run or stress about much of anything. I have very, very few days like this & when I do I feel amazing!
  
• Being Mommy. Actually I love this. My kids give me a thousand reasons to be a better version of myself everyday. They make me laugh and think of how much love I can hold for two tiny little people. Simply amazing.
  
• Laughing. It's the most amazing thing ever! It lights up the soul & disregards any realities that can burden a person. Laughing makes the heart smile. I love to laugh for long periods of time, when tears are coming out of my eyes and I can barely breathe!
• My shows, ALL OF THEM (Big Brother, Army Wives, True Blood, Vampire Diaries, One Tree Hill, Gossip Girl, Life UnExpected, Drop Dead Diva, Huge) I don't always get to watch them when they air, but I eventually catch up on them online when I can. They let me slip away from reality into worlds not typical in average life.
  
• COFFEE!! Oh.my.lord. I am a huge coffee addict. Even with my lifestyle change, this is something that will not budge in the slightest bit. My day is thrown off when I don't have a cup of coffee at least once throughout the day. Mmmm!!
  
• Getting Mail. Not in the bills sense of mail, but cards, or letters. Even when I purchase something online I get so excited anticipating it's arrival. When friends surprise me with letters or cards especially when I'm not even expecting it, I get so happy! I know this may sound a bit odd but in a day where email has taken over and technology (cells, texts, emails, IM's) has taken over it's not very often I receive mail.
• Texting. duh! My cell phone is like my lover, I never go anywhere without it, I use it to talk to anyone & everyone. It keeps me connected lol

3) Give this award to 10 other bloggers and notify them with a comment

1. Whitney @ Slimming Down for the Gown
2. Alexia @ My Wicked, Wicked Ways
3. Crys @ Bigger Than My Body
4. Kristen @ Kreating Kristen
5. Sabrina @ Life Is Not Always Black & White
6. Syl @ LIVE, SMILE, RUN
7. Pam @ Plump Nonfiction
8. Gilly @ something something something, Fat Chick
9. Jessica @ Rotund Revolution
10. Carolyn & Gina @ Two Fat Girls on a Mission
    

I adore you guys & your blogs! All of the blogs I read give me motivation♥
Keep up with the blogging!!

~erica♥

Day 50*; Homework & Working out

I woke up this morning & decided, logging & change is needed at least in the food tracking department. So this is my declaration to logging calories AND taking pictures of my food! I'll be posting pictures of my meals yet again, this time, I don't have a time frame, it will be until I feel like I am tracking down my calories with ease. So I will be posting almost everyday again to post my pictures & update all you lovely people! :D

I was doing my homework last night, when I realized I really dislike school sometimes. But I do my homework because it's the road the bigger picture. I hate doing it, but I like to learn and I really can't wait until someday when I'm finished I'll have my degree & look back at all the hard work I've done to reach that point. My weight loss journey is like that! It's hard, I have to work hard at it, keep pushing myself but in the end it will be worth it! So I'm going to start trying to think of my weight loss journey when I'm working on homework & realize that I need to do what I need to do to get the things I want in my life!!!

Be back to update ya'll on my meals later tonight (: Have a wonderful day!! Life is truly an amazing gift!

~erica♥

QUESTIONS GAME

Woohoo time for some fun on the blogger front!
This is the tag game! Katie @ Getting My Freaking Awesome Body tagged me♥
I'll answer my questions, & then tag some of you too do it too!!

My Answers:
#1. What is your favorite color?
Purple! I adore this color, I feel like it’s the color of my soul

#2. What is your favorite thing about bloggin?
Being able to open up to myself & reach out to others at the same time. It’s like having a life audience!

#3. What is the single best moment of your life thus far?
Every single second of being a mother, is the single best moment of my life, each milestone and day I get to spend with my kids is the best.

#4. What would you buy first if you won a million dollars?
A CAR! Omg I need one badly lmao & then of course a house for me & my kids

#5. Where would you live if you could live anywhere?
Hmm, I would want to live in Puerto Rico, It’s part of my heritage as well as a beautiful place to be.

#6. What is your dream job?
Currently, My dream job is to become a General Manager of a hotel & someday run my own Inn

#7. Dogs or Cats?
Both! I love them both in different ways haha

#8. Do you like cheese? (just to be silly)
Loveeeeeeeeee cheese! Yum!

These are the people I choose♥
Meg @ Status MIA
Monica @ Confessions of A + Sized Girl
Crys @ Bigger Than My Body
Screaming Fat Girl
Weightless
Lyndsay @ Thinspiration

Their Questions♥

1. What song would be the theme song, to the soundtrack of your life?
2. What is something you do, that most people would find odd?
3. What's your favorite genre of movies?
4. If you had to move to another country, which country would you move to?
5. Favorite food for breakfast?
6. Favorite season & why?
7. One thing you got for Christmas as a kid that was important to you?
8. What would your dream vacation consist of?

GO, GO, GO!! :P Have fun ladies

~erica♥

Day 46*; cake cake cake..

I just ate, a huge piece of cake & before that? An ice cream sandwich. Now.. I'm sitting here feeling defeated. I want this so bad! This lifestyle change, this new healthier me. I want to enjoy working out & be able to get up and do it like it's second nature. I read some blogs of people who are working out everyday and loving it! When will that be me? I want to not fiend for the junk, the chocolate, the chips, the sugary, goey, calorie infested yumminess. I'm not doing ANY better on tracking my calories. I really think a large part of this is because we haven't been grocery shopping & wont until next week, so I pretty much eat whatever I can damn the calories involved. I know that saying "I'll start tomorrow" Is a horrible rut to get into, But I need to reevaluate my head. I need to refocus and realize my goals. When I go grocery shopping I'm getting tons of healthy things, I will be sure when I pick an item up & check and see if there is a healthier option, for instance did you know that eggo waffles are now made in whole grain?!!? SAY WHAT? Lol yea me either till this week.

I want so bad to be able to blog all good all the time, and for a while there I did. I seemed to be on top of everything! I was doing so well, so positive, enjoyed working out staying under calories. What.the.hell.happened? I can't even TELL you. I was doing so great and then the next day & for 2 weeks.. I wasn't. It pisses me off.

I did workout yesterday, for like 10 minutes.. I have this desire to sweat my ass off (literally if possible PLEASE) and get that sore ache in my muscles but i don't have the actual ambition to get it. I really wish I knew what was wrong with me lately.

I feel like I'm just whining and complaining, and not doing shit about.. well lets be honest. I am. But i WANT to do things about it, I just DONT. I make no effing sense. I am going to start blogging daily again, I seem to fall more & more off track when I'm not holding myself accountable for the day I've had. I am trying to keep my head up and weather the storm. This will pass, I will get past this & be back on my way to losing the weight soon enough. I can do this.

~erica♥

Day 43*; An early morning post!

I know that weigh day isn't until Monday, but I've started weighing myself almost every morning just to figure out where I stand on the scale. Now, I know that the number on the scale isn't the only thing that matters but I've been feeling like shit to boot. So it's not just the number. Last Monday I was at 307lbs, during the week at one point I had been down to 305lbs I figured I wouldn't lost anymore than that cuz to be honest I haven't been working for it, but today I weighed in and I'm back to 307lbs. Let me tell you what a disappointment I'm feeling. I know that I am the only one to blame and there is sincerely no excuse for not working out or tracking my calories other than I've used every excuse I thought would justify it. It's still early in the day, I'm going to break out my food journal and track my calories today. I have a busy day ahead of a me and I'm not sure I'll be able to fit in a workout but I think I'm determined for it. I miss the pumped up feeling of working out & the overall self satisfaction when I know I'm working on things. I have about 8lbs to go before I'm out of the 300's and I'm not giving up now, 13lbs to go to goal and I've already lost more than that amount since I've started so I know I can do it!!

I'm going grocery shopping sometime this week, I like to get the 100 calories packs, the Healthy Choice fresh mixers, Kelloggs cereal and special K bars, as well as egg whites & fruits and such. What I want from you guys is things you like to get at the grocery store that are healthy for you, low in calories and help you stay on track, so if you can, comment or email me some foods I can try out or even recipes for dinner that are yummy & good for me?!

On a better note, I put on a pair of jean capri's yesterday that I haven't worn... well, ever! They aren't my goal jeans, those are still not working with me lol, and I don't remember how tight these capri's used to be but putting them on yesterday & wearing them all day I know I haven't worn them before I felt amazing in them! Off track or not, the work I've done thus far is already showing in my eyes. It just gets me more motivated to get out of this funk I've been in!

~erica♥

Day 40*; My lovlies!!!

How I missed you so!♥♥♥ Omg, this week has been insane! Besides being busy busy busy, I broke my laptop charger & was without a computer for 2 days! I thought i was gonna lose my damn mind lmao. Anyways, I have been horrible. I think it's been a week or more since I've worked out, when my charger cord broke I stopped tracking calories, I stopped being accountable. I actually could have written a blog entry last night, but I was too busy wallowing in self pity over how bad I've been doing. Pathetic? I think so. I almost skipped blogging again tonight for the same reason, but then I realized how much I miss it, how good it is for me & how the people who read my blog might be disappointed. This blog was created to keep me accountable with myself, so not wanting to blog because of messing up? That's a sure fire way to get myself back up in weight and off the journey, which is the farthest thing from what I want. So here I am again, saying tomorrow will be better and making myself accountable again. (side note, I just realized it's only been 3 days since I blogged, & i felt like it's been weeks haha, see how much blogging has come into my daily routine?!)

I feel like I'm saying that shit every other week. "been off track, getting back on" It makes me feel like a failure until I realize that, even though it annoys me to get off track so often, I'm still doing enough getting back ON track to lose the weight. And maybe overtime it wont be so ridiculous that every other week I'm falling off. I have the weekend yet before weigh day, my goal is going to be to try & workout everyday until weigh day! plus stay on caloric track ( :

~erica♥

Day 37*; Weigh Day!

I really don't know why, but I feel so chipper right now! haha. I feel like my soul is smiling. It's amazing what one day can do! I got my food journal & started using it today! I wanted to wait until weigh day to use it, I went wayyyyyyy to under my caloric intake today & i sighed about it for a second & then said "damnit. I will do better tomorrow♥" I also didn't get to work out, but again tomorrow is a new day!!

As for weigh day.. I am proud to announce that I LOST 4LBS!!! How insane right? I barely worked out this week & complained just about everyday that I wasn't tracking my calories & wasn't too sure how I was eating either. But I did it! 4lbs down, now at 307 lbs. ONLY 7 MORE LBS TO GO BEFORE I'M OUT OF THE 300's omg! How freakin' exciting! ( :

My mini goal this week is to get myself up to 8 cups of water a day, I tried today & didn't succeed yet, I got to 7 but I might just be able to achieve that goal ;) The food journal I got has an area to mark how many cups of water you drink per day! I thought that was amazing. I wanna get my water intake back up & stick to it. Whenever I'm getting the recommended amount of water I have more energy & feel 100x better! I think I'm gonna go a week without logging it & just use my food journal & see what happens. If that doesn't help me achieve it then I will make it a bloggers goal, & add a side box about it.

~erica♥

Day 36*; Gonna make your head spin..

WARNING!:

This is going to be a long one, I have a few days to catch up on. You might wanna read a little of this & come back for the rest later. I know sometimes I can't focus on the really long posts so i bypass them, depending on the writing style of the blogger lmao. So if you don't read it all it's ok :P

FAT STEREOTYPING

So I was searching the net the other day, I really don't even remember what for, but I came across some posts on some site (damn my memory) talking about fat people. Someone on the forum had said something along the lines of fat people are fat, because they're slamming down 3 cheeseburgers at once & still not full. At first when I read it, I laughed & thought, what a moron, seriously. Then I thought about it and realized he's probably not the only person who feels that way. Then my mind started working even more. I'm big because I've let myself be unhealthy, I've binged on things, I've been in love with chocolate & junk food. Soda was my best friend at one point or another. But never, have I ever eaten 3 cheese burgers at once, let alone on a regular basis. Not to say some haven't, or to offend anyone. I know there are some bigger people who have eaten like that. My issue with the post was that, there are thin people who do that too? There are thin people who are slamming down food all day long, sodas, junk, alcohol.. Being thin doesn't make you healthy. And being fat doesn't make you a binge eater. Some people are big simply because they were eating the wrong things, not having binges? Ugh, I don't know why it had my mind working so hard, I was frustrated. I didn't know the guy & obviously it wasn't really even important enough to remember the site but the truth of the matter is, some people are so stereotypical that when they look at me, being a larger girl. They probably do think that I've just eaten a whole box of tastycakes, and am heading to the local mom&pop shop for a whole pizza to eat all to myself. I just wish people as a whole were more understanding, caring & kind Instead of stereotypical, rude & offensive. The sad truth is also that, even while being on this journey.. obviously I'm not going to lose the weight all at once. So I'm still big, & will be for months to come until I've dropped excessive lbs. People like that are still going to look at me & feel as though I binge regularly on unhealthy foods and basically am a fat slob. When in actuality, I'm working hard(most days..) to get healthier and look healthier. I know their opinions don't matter, I'm just stating the facts to myself so I don't continue to dwell on them.

FOOD JOURNAL

It came today!! Yay! I wasn't home all day, so when I got back tonight, I checked the mail hoping for something for me. For 1, I knew I had an order coming & For 2, I'm huge on getting MAIL mail, I love letters, cards, anything! Which I rarely get, but i still check the mailbox religiously in hopes that there's a surprise for me! lol Anyways, we got home & there was a box in there! I started jumping around and smiling. I expected it to be one of the other books I ordered along with my food journal cuz for some reason they all shipped separately. But it was it!! It honestly came at the perfect time. I had another crap eating day, which I'll explain more about later. Lol So tomorrow I'm planning on starting back up with my calories! I feel like it's Christmas? I already wrote my name in it all pretty like, and I plan on reading through the front excerpts just to do it. Hopefully this can get me motivated again. I hate the word ''again" in this case.

EXERCISE

If you keep up with me, you probably know that I mentioned last week that I was thinking video workouts were probably going to be my thing. Then, the other day I started feeling like I don't know if that's enough? Should I still be going to a gym? Or join classes for something? I guess as long as I'm still losing it's not a problem, and until I notice that I'm not losing anymore then I can just keep going with it, but I'd really like advice or thoughts on this. I don't want to just do video workouts if they aren't giving me some vital part of the exercise experience I should be getting. My problem is, I don't have the money for a fancy gym, & I have 2 kids whom, without child care I always have. I'm surely not going to pay someone to babysit while I workout which is why home videos are pretty bad ass for me. Either way they're fun and work for now.

TODAY

Today, I spent the day at an amusement park with my mom, sister, my kids, my nieces & nephews & my cousin. Let's just say I had McDonald's for breakfast, a few bites of pizza & chicken tenders for dinner, soda, ice cream, & probably other bad shit that I shouldn't have. Just today alone. & the last few days have been pretty off in the eating department.. ugh i make myself sick just thinking about how thrown off I've been. I hope I still show some kind of loss on Monday, but I wouldn't bet on it. I did get the walking in since we were walking around all day, but I'm pretty sure the ice cream sundae I had before we left, filled up the calories I might have worked off by walking.

Yes. I said an amusement park. Within 5 minutes of walking into the place, I started to get anxious. Here I was in a place that I myself, personally could not physically enjoy. I'm fat. Fear hit me first, because I hate having to state the obvious to my mom when she asks why I'm not riding anything " Hello mother, This is your daughter. I'm a fat ass. Thanks for listening" Not quite like that lmao, but ugh, I wish she would understand my anxiety. On top of the fear, of having to respond to the inevitable ignorance of my large size, I felt sad. I was in a place that my kids could have a wonderful time, but would still feel as though something was off because I wasn't riding anything with them. Every time they needed an adult to go on with them, I would look to my mother or my sister with a look of "Please, just offer to take them so I don't have to ask.." Eventually, my mom forced me to go on a ride. It was the Flume ride. Basically, we sit on/in a log type thing an go over water. I wanted to be like no no no, not happening. But I figured it was worth a try. I have never had a "you are too fat to ride this ride" experience & for some reason, I felt like fuck it, if I have one, I can feel sorry for myself for about a day & then kick my ass into gear. So we're waiting in line & I'm standing there STARING at all these people, searching for the big ones & comparing my size to theirs. "Oh, that guy looks pretty big, I think he might even be bigger than me. If he's gonna ride this ride, then i can too." "That woman is definitely bigger than i am.. she's riding, I'm safe!" I feel so disgusting even talking about it, but it's not like I'm judging other people on their size (I would never!) I'm just comparing and contrasting. So then it's our turn to get on the loggy thing, It's me, my mom, my 2 kids & my little cousin all on one (they seat 5) I get in the very back and as soon as I sit down, I feel the whole ass end of this ride (which is sitting in water on a belt of some kind under the water) sink down & start creaking. I'm feeling embarrassed & looking around expecting someone to ask me to get out because It can't go with me in it. I'm already verging tears before anythings even happened....

And you know what? They didn't. I rode on the ride, had a blast, felt amazing & realized ALL of that stress for what? In my head, I had made such a scenario out of riding a ride, and it turned out to be no big deal. Well, a big deal to me hell yea, in the good sense It's been so long since I've ridden on anything, carnivals, amusement parks. I always "just say no" to the rides. I rode on one other one after that, and had the same entire scenario play out just to result in the same conclusion, but I didn't want to push my luck.

I haven't lost THAT much weight, but I've already accomplished something I was hoping to do when I did lose & that's to ride on rides. I think that my confidence has already boosted a tremendous amount simply by KNOWING that I'm working on it. I'm working on my weight, and my health. Other people may not be able to see it, or recognize it, but i know it. And that alone simply makes me feel better about myself. I'm doing something about it! I've made the realization that I need change in my life & my health, I know I'm fat it's no secret or something I knowingly hide from. I confront it everyday & battle it down. I am a warrior! It's a totally amazing feeling.

RANDOM BITS

I mentioned fat stereotyping earlier and I guess I do it too. But I think I do it more so just because of what society tells me. Anyways. While at the amusement park today I got on this train ride thing, like a trolly on tracks. Right behind me in line was this bigger girl, probably about my size.. and a guy, thin, good looking, and completely outgoing. When we got on the train they sat in front of us & he talked to me & was yelling hi at people in the park as the train passed. Made me smile a lot, I love outgoing people when they aren't being rude. When they are simply just outgoing! Anyways, I don't know why (yes i do) but I assumed they were just friends. We got on the train & he started calling her babe a lot & put his arm around her, I realized then that they were a couple! I feel shitty admitting it, but I have this ginormous fear and feeling that I could never get a guy that is up to my standards as far as good looking (to me, we all have our own tastes ;) ) outgoing, funny, smart, amazing, and thin (not so much thin, cuz I actually LIKE my men to be a bit on the bigger side but you get what I'm saying?) I guess I just assumed that guys like that don't dig girls like ME and when i say girls like ME I'm purely talking about size here. As if there aren't a million things about me besides my weight. I make myself sick, but this is how I think sometimes. It was like having an epiphany when i realized that, good men.. like the ones who are even WORTH my time, don't judge a girl on her pants size, they judge a girl by her heart, by who she IS. They don't care if their friends or family will say shitty things about her size, and if they do he would put his foot down TO THEM. I guess that's another concern of mine, even if a guy likes me for me and not my size, he would still run the other way because his friends and family would laugh at him for dating a big girl. I swear to you, My mind is a big jacked up mess sometimes. I literally wanted to ask them both for phone numbers to keep in touch because they really impacted my life in a way they can't understand. But i figured that might be a bit weird lmao.

Side Note: I really hope I didn't offend anyone in talking about the way my mind works, but It's my blog & I need to be honest with myself in order to heal my emotional wounds.

So basically, These last few days have been shit with eating & working out, but amazing in new realizations and healthy thoughts about my journey. So I wont dwell on the bad, but rejoice in the good! & If you read this far WOW, you're a freakin' trooper! Lmao but thank you so much♥

~erica♥