... hmmm

For starters, I haven't been able to workout & let me say.. it's killing me.

I fell down the stairs a few days ago & have been nursing a bruised ass, elbow & wrist along with a huge gaping cut on the bottom of my foot. Just standing at work makes shooting pains go all the way up my calf into my knee & when I walk I limp. I hate it & I miss the gym :\. I'm so afraid that I'm going to gain back all sorts of weight just by not going. As soon as it's better, zumba, C25K, & gym time will all resume. In the meanwhile I can still do my ab workout & maybe some stretches.. and of course watch what I eat..

Measurements were done, I posted them in the measurement section. I lost inches on some parts of my body & in other they stayed the same or maybe even raised a little.. I want to say that maybe it's because I'm building muscle mass but then isn't that denser then fat? So.. it should still have gone down? I don't know. Hopefully next month it's better, if not I'm still feeling great!

I went close shopping the other day, for 1 it's been a long time since I've gone somewhere and just bought a bunch of clothes for myself all at once normally I'll buy pants here a shirt there & so on.. but my clothes have started falling off my butt. Pants I have to hold up while walking LOL which is an awesome feeling :) It felt good clothes shopping for once, & I went to ROSS which has an amazing selection of clothes for plus size girls that look absolutely adorable AND are well priced so on top of shopping, I didn't get too distressed when something didn't fit me how I wanted it to! Here's a few shots of the first outfit I tried on.. I put it on & I was like OMG i look so much better than I did before.. to be honest I needed that after the scary work pictures of yesterweek.
It was a huge NSV for me. :)

Now onto some probably simple issues. I mentioned the guy that I liked, for one he has a girlfriend, so nothing more than a flirtationship will spring from it.. at least for now (I'm not that kind of girl) But he's the first guy in a long time who I've been interested in who shows a similar interest in me & at first it made me feel really great! Now, when I see myself in pictures or what not I feel like he's just being nice. A pity flirt if you will? I still have serious issues thinking that anyone could be even remotely interested in me because of my weight..

Anyways, since this guy & I have started just playfully flirting, I've had an ex text me about how beautiful he thinks I am and how much he misses me. The last time we dated was years ago & I wasn't as big as I was like year, but I'd say I might be around the same weight as now.. but even still I feel like if he saw me he would change his mind on thinking I'm beautiful :\

There's another guy (I KNOW?! where are they all coming from, better yet WHY? It might be simply because I have been exuding more confidence lately. My ex and I broke up and I'm in that post breakup 'I'm amazing' stage a year later?) So I met this guy last month, he's the lead singer in a local band and a friend of mine took me to his show. So he knows what I look like. We recently started talking and he flirts with me a lot.. I'm going to see his band again this week & for some reason I feel like maybe cus he was drunk, or because it was so dark in the bar he really just doesn't remember how fat I am and that's why he thinks he's interested..

I'm pretty sure this is all in my own mentality, but it's hard to get over. It's hard to stop thinking that everyone else just see's me as I see me. A fat girl. A fat girl who's not good enough to get this much male attention all at once. I feel like it's some kind of a fluke. It's definitely something I need to talk about in therapy. I've been trying to enjoy it regardless & I have a friend who is always telling me that I'm over thinking situations way too much, which is probably what's going on here.. I just don't know how to stop :\

Sometime tonight, I think I'm going to post my first set of pictures that I had taken in the beginning of my journey & the set I just recently took. Even though at first when I looked at them I couldn't really see a difference even with 60+ lbs gone, now I can really see how my hips are becoming more defined & my arms are less rounded. It's going to be a big step for me!

till then..

~erica♥