QUESTIONS GAME

Woohoo time for some fun on the blogger front!
This is the tag game! Katie @ Getting My Freaking Awesome Body tagged me♥
I'll answer my questions, & then tag some of you too do it too!!

My Answers:
#1. What is your favorite color?
Purple! I adore this color, I feel like it’s the color of my soul

#2. What is your favorite thing about bloggin?
Being able to open up to myself & reach out to others at the same time. It’s like having a life audience!

#3. What is the single best moment of your life thus far?
Every single second of being a mother, is the single best moment of my life, each milestone and day I get to spend with my kids is the best.

#4. What would you buy first if you won a million dollars?
A CAR! Omg I need one badly lmao & then of course a house for me & my kids

#5. Where would you live if you could live anywhere?
Hmm, I would want to live in Puerto Rico, It’s part of my heritage as well as a beautiful place to be.

#6. What is your dream job?
Currently, My dream job is to become a General Manager of a hotel & someday run my own Inn

#7. Dogs or Cats?
Both! I love them both in different ways haha

#8. Do you like cheese? (just to be silly)
Loveeeeeeeeee cheese! Yum!

These are the people I choose♥
Meg @ Status MIA
Monica @ Confessions of A + Sized Girl
Crys @ Bigger Than My Body
Screaming Fat Girl
Weightless
Lyndsay @ Thinspiration

Their Questions♥

1. What song would be the theme song, to the soundtrack of your life?
2. What is something you do, that most people would find odd?
3. What's your favorite genre of movies?
4. If you had to move to another country, which country would you move to?
5. Favorite food for breakfast?
6. Favorite season & why?
7. One thing you got for Christmas as a kid that was important to you?
8. What would your dream vacation consist of?

GO, GO, GO!! :P Have fun ladies

~erica♥

Day 46*; cake cake cake..

I just ate, a huge piece of cake & before that? An ice cream sandwich. Now.. I'm sitting here feeling defeated. I want this so bad! This lifestyle change, this new healthier me. I want to enjoy working out & be able to get up and do it like it's second nature. I read some blogs of people who are working out everyday and loving it! When will that be me? I want to not fiend for the junk, the chocolate, the chips, the sugary, goey, calorie infested yumminess. I'm not doing ANY better on tracking my calories. I really think a large part of this is because we haven't been grocery shopping & wont until next week, so I pretty much eat whatever I can damn the calories involved. I know that saying "I'll start tomorrow" Is a horrible rut to get into, But I need to reevaluate my head. I need to refocus and realize my goals. When I go grocery shopping I'm getting tons of healthy things, I will be sure when I pick an item up & check and see if there is a healthier option, for instance did you know that eggo waffles are now made in whole grain?!!? SAY WHAT? Lol yea me either till this week.

I want so bad to be able to blog all good all the time, and for a while there I did. I seemed to be on top of everything! I was doing so well, so positive, enjoyed working out staying under calories. What.the.hell.happened? I can't even TELL you. I was doing so great and then the next day & for 2 weeks.. I wasn't. It pisses me off.

I did workout yesterday, for like 10 minutes.. I have this desire to sweat my ass off (literally if possible PLEASE) and get that sore ache in my muscles but i don't have the actual ambition to get it. I really wish I knew what was wrong with me lately.

I feel like I'm just whining and complaining, and not doing shit about.. well lets be honest. I am. But i WANT to do things about it, I just DONT. I make no effing sense. I am going to start blogging daily again, I seem to fall more & more off track when I'm not holding myself accountable for the day I've had. I am trying to keep my head up and weather the storm. This will pass, I will get past this & be back on my way to losing the weight soon enough. I can do this.

~erica♥

Day 43*; An early morning post!

I know that weigh day isn't until Monday, but I've started weighing myself almost every morning just to figure out where I stand on the scale. Now, I know that the number on the scale isn't the only thing that matters but I've been feeling like shit to boot. So it's not just the number. Last Monday I was at 307lbs, during the week at one point I had been down to 305lbs I figured I wouldn't lost anymore than that cuz to be honest I haven't been working for it, but today I weighed in and I'm back to 307lbs. Let me tell you what a disappointment I'm feeling. I know that I am the only one to blame and there is sincerely no excuse for not working out or tracking my calories other than I've used every excuse I thought would justify it. It's still early in the day, I'm going to break out my food journal and track my calories today. I have a busy day ahead of a me and I'm not sure I'll be able to fit in a workout but I think I'm determined for it. I miss the pumped up feeling of working out & the overall self satisfaction when I know I'm working on things. I have about 8lbs to go before I'm out of the 300's and I'm not giving up now, 13lbs to go to goal and I've already lost more than that amount since I've started so I know I can do it!!

I'm going grocery shopping sometime this week, I like to get the 100 calories packs, the Healthy Choice fresh mixers, Kelloggs cereal and special K bars, as well as egg whites & fruits and such. What I want from you guys is things you like to get at the grocery store that are healthy for you, low in calories and help you stay on track, so if you can, comment or email me some foods I can try out or even recipes for dinner that are yummy & good for me?!

On a better note, I put on a pair of jean capri's yesterday that I haven't worn... well, ever! They aren't my goal jeans, those are still not working with me lol, and I don't remember how tight these capri's used to be but putting them on yesterday & wearing them all day I know I haven't worn them before I felt amazing in them! Off track or not, the work I've done thus far is already showing in my eyes. It just gets me more motivated to get out of this funk I've been in!

~erica♥

Day 40*; My lovlies!!!

How I missed you so!♥♥♥ Omg, this week has been insane! Besides being busy busy busy, I broke my laptop charger & was without a computer for 2 days! I thought i was gonna lose my damn mind lmao. Anyways, I have been horrible. I think it's been a week or more since I've worked out, when my charger cord broke I stopped tracking calories, I stopped being accountable. I actually could have written a blog entry last night, but I was too busy wallowing in self pity over how bad I've been doing. Pathetic? I think so. I almost skipped blogging again tonight for the same reason, but then I realized how much I miss it, how good it is for me & how the people who read my blog might be disappointed. This blog was created to keep me accountable with myself, so not wanting to blog because of messing up? That's a sure fire way to get myself back up in weight and off the journey, which is the farthest thing from what I want. So here I am again, saying tomorrow will be better and making myself accountable again. (side note, I just realized it's only been 3 days since I blogged, & i felt like it's been weeks haha, see how much blogging has come into my daily routine?!)

I feel like I'm saying that shit every other week. "been off track, getting back on" It makes me feel like a failure until I realize that, even though it annoys me to get off track so often, I'm still doing enough getting back ON track to lose the weight. And maybe overtime it wont be so ridiculous that every other week I'm falling off. I have the weekend yet before weigh day, my goal is going to be to try & workout everyday until weigh day! plus stay on caloric track ( :

~erica♥

Day 37*; Weigh Day!

I really don't know why, but I feel so chipper right now! haha. I feel like my soul is smiling. It's amazing what one day can do! I got my food journal & started using it today! I wanted to wait until weigh day to use it, I went wayyyyyyy to under my caloric intake today & i sighed about it for a second & then said "damnit. I will do better tomorrow♥" I also didn't get to work out, but again tomorrow is a new day!!

As for weigh day.. I am proud to announce that I LOST 4LBS!!! How insane right? I barely worked out this week & complained just about everyday that I wasn't tracking my calories & wasn't too sure how I was eating either. But I did it! 4lbs down, now at 307 lbs. ONLY 7 MORE LBS TO GO BEFORE I'M OUT OF THE 300's omg! How freakin' exciting! ( :

My mini goal this week is to get myself up to 8 cups of water a day, I tried today & didn't succeed yet, I got to 7 but I might just be able to achieve that goal ;) The food journal I got has an area to mark how many cups of water you drink per day! I thought that was amazing. I wanna get my water intake back up & stick to it. Whenever I'm getting the recommended amount of water I have more energy & feel 100x better! I think I'm gonna go a week without logging it & just use my food journal & see what happens. If that doesn't help me achieve it then I will make it a bloggers goal, & add a side box about it.

~erica♥

Day 36*; Gonna make your head spin..

WARNING!:

This is going to be a long one, I have a few days to catch up on. You might wanna read a little of this & come back for the rest later. I know sometimes I can't focus on the really long posts so i bypass them, depending on the writing style of the blogger lmao. So if you don't read it all it's ok :P

FAT STEREOTYPING

So I was searching the net the other day, I really don't even remember what for, but I came across some posts on some site (damn my memory) talking about fat people. Someone on the forum had said something along the lines of fat people are fat, because they're slamming down 3 cheeseburgers at once & still not full. At first when I read it, I laughed & thought, what a moron, seriously. Then I thought about it and realized he's probably not the only person who feels that way. Then my mind started working even more. I'm big because I've let myself be unhealthy, I've binged on things, I've been in love with chocolate & junk food. Soda was my best friend at one point or another. But never, have I ever eaten 3 cheese burgers at once, let alone on a regular basis. Not to say some haven't, or to offend anyone. I know there are some bigger people who have eaten like that. My issue with the post was that, there are thin people who do that too? There are thin people who are slamming down food all day long, sodas, junk, alcohol.. Being thin doesn't make you healthy. And being fat doesn't make you a binge eater. Some people are big simply because they were eating the wrong things, not having binges? Ugh, I don't know why it had my mind working so hard, I was frustrated. I didn't know the guy & obviously it wasn't really even important enough to remember the site but the truth of the matter is, some people are so stereotypical that when they look at me, being a larger girl. They probably do think that I've just eaten a whole box of tastycakes, and am heading to the local mom&pop shop for a whole pizza to eat all to myself. I just wish people as a whole were more understanding, caring & kind Instead of stereotypical, rude & offensive. The sad truth is also that, even while being on this journey.. obviously I'm not going to lose the weight all at once. So I'm still big, & will be for months to come until I've dropped excessive lbs. People like that are still going to look at me & feel as though I binge regularly on unhealthy foods and basically am a fat slob. When in actuality, I'm working hard(most days..) to get healthier and look healthier. I know their opinions don't matter, I'm just stating the facts to myself so I don't continue to dwell on them.

FOOD JOURNAL

It came today!! Yay! I wasn't home all day, so when I got back tonight, I checked the mail hoping for something for me. For 1, I knew I had an order coming & For 2, I'm huge on getting MAIL mail, I love letters, cards, anything! Which I rarely get, but i still check the mailbox religiously in hopes that there's a surprise for me! lol Anyways, we got home & there was a box in there! I started jumping around and smiling. I expected it to be one of the other books I ordered along with my food journal cuz for some reason they all shipped separately. But it was it!! It honestly came at the perfect time. I had another crap eating day, which I'll explain more about later. Lol So tomorrow I'm planning on starting back up with my calories! I feel like it's Christmas? I already wrote my name in it all pretty like, and I plan on reading through the front excerpts just to do it. Hopefully this can get me motivated again. I hate the word ''again" in this case.

EXERCISE

If you keep up with me, you probably know that I mentioned last week that I was thinking video workouts were probably going to be my thing. Then, the other day I started feeling like I don't know if that's enough? Should I still be going to a gym? Or join classes for something? I guess as long as I'm still losing it's not a problem, and until I notice that I'm not losing anymore then I can just keep going with it, but I'd really like advice or thoughts on this. I don't want to just do video workouts if they aren't giving me some vital part of the exercise experience I should be getting. My problem is, I don't have the money for a fancy gym, & I have 2 kids whom, without child care I always have. I'm surely not going to pay someone to babysit while I workout which is why home videos are pretty bad ass for me. Either way they're fun and work for now.

TODAY

Today, I spent the day at an amusement park with my mom, sister, my kids, my nieces & nephews & my cousin. Let's just say I had McDonald's for breakfast, a few bites of pizza & chicken tenders for dinner, soda, ice cream, & probably other bad shit that I shouldn't have. Just today alone. & the last few days have been pretty off in the eating department.. ugh i make myself sick just thinking about how thrown off I've been. I hope I still show some kind of loss on Monday, but I wouldn't bet on it. I did get the walking in since we were walking around all day, but I'm pretty sure the ice cream sundae I had before we left, filled up the calories I might have worked off by walking.

Yes. I said an amusement park. Within 5 minutes of walking into the place, I started to get anxious. Here I was in a place that I myself, personally could not physically enjoy. I'm fat. Fear hit me first, because I hate having to state the obvious to my mom when she asks why I'm not riding anything " Hello mother, This is your daughter. I'm a fat ass. Thanks for listening" Not quite like that lmao, but ugh, I wish she would understand my anxiety. On top of the fear, of having to respond to the inevitable ignorance of my large size, I felt sad. I was in a place that my kids could have a wonderful time, but would still feel as though something was off because I wasn't riding anything with them. Every time they needed an adult to go on with them, I would look to my mother or my sister with a look of "Please, just offer to take them so I don't have to ask.." Eventually, my mom forced me to go on a ride. It was the Flume ride. Basically, we sit on/in a log type thing an go over water. I wanted to be like no no no, not happening. But I figured it was worth a try. I have never had a "you are too fat to ride this ride" experience & for some reason, I felt like fuck it, if I have one, I can feel sorry for myself for about a day & then kick my ass into gear. So we're waiting in line & I'm standing there STARING at all these people, searching for the big ones & comparing my size to theirs. "Oh, that guy looks pretty big, I think he might even be bigger than me. If he's gonna ride this ride, then i can too." "That woman is definitely bigger than i am.. she's riding, I'm safe!" I feel so disgusting even talking about it, but it's not like I'm judging other people on their size (I would never!) I'm just comparing and contrasting. So then it's our turn to get on the loggy thing, It's me, my mom, my 2 kids & my little cousin all on one (they seat 5) I get in the very back and as soon as I sit down, I feel the whole ass end of this ride (which is sitting in water on a belt of some kind under the water) sink down & start creaking. I'm feeling embarrassed & looking around expecting someone to ask me to get out because It can't go with me in it. I'm already verging tears before anythings even happened....

And you know what? They didn't. I rode on the ride, had a blast, felt amazing & realized ALL of that stress for what? In my head, I had made such a scenario out of riding a ride, and it turned out to be no big deal. Well, a big deal to me hell yea, in the good sense It's been so long since I've ridden on anything, carnivals, amusement parks. I always "just say no" to the rides. I rode on one other one after that, and had the same entire scenario play out just to result in the same conclusion, but I didn't want to push my luck.

I haven't lost THAT much weight, but I've already accomplished something I was hoping to do when I did lose & that's to ride on rides. I think that my confidence has already boosted a tremendous amount simply by KNOWING that I'm working on it. I'm working on my weight, and my health. Other people may not be able to see it, or recognize it, but i know it. And that alone simply makes me feel better about myself. I'm doing something about it! I've made the realization that I need change in my life & my health, I know I'm fat it's no secret or something I knowingly hide from. I confront it everyday & battle it down. I am a warrior! It's a totally amazing feeling.

RANDOM BITS

I mentioned fat stereotyping earlier and I guess I do it too. But I think I do it more so just because of what society tells me. Anyways. While at the amusement park today I got on this train ride thing, like a trolly on tracks. Right behind me in line was this bigger girl, probably about my size.. and a guy, thin, good looking, and completely outgoing. When we got on the train they sat in front of us & he talked to me & was yelling hi at people in the park as the train passed. Made me smile a lot, I love outgoing people when they aren't being rude. When they are simply just outgoing! Anyways, I don't know why (yes i do) but I assumed they were just friends. We got on the train & he started calling her babe a lot & put his arm around her, I realized then that they were a couple! I feel shitty admitting it, but I have this ginormous fear and feeling that I could never get a guy that is up to my standards as far as good looking (to me, we all have our own tastes ;) ) outgoing, funny, smart, amazing, and thin (not so much thin, cuz I actually LIKE my men to be a bit on the bigger side but you get what I'm saying?) I guess I just assumed that guys like that don't dig girls like ME and when i say girls like ME I'm purely talking about size here. As if there aren't a million things about me besides my weight. I make myself sick, but this is how I think sometimes. It was like having an epiphany when i realized that, good men.. like the ones who are even WORTH my time, don't judge a girl on her pants size, they judge a girl by her heart, by who she IS. They don't care if their friends or family will say shitty things about her size, and if they do he would put his foot down TO THEM. I guess that's another concern of mine, even if a guy likes me for me and not my size, he would still run the other way because his friends and family would laugh at him for dating a big girl. I swear to you, My mind is a big jacked up mess sometimes. I literally wanted to ask them both for phone numbers to keep in touch because they really impacted my life in a way they can't understand. But i figured that might be a bit weird lmao.

Side Note: I really hope I didn't offend anyone in talking about the way my mind works, but It's my blog & I need to be honest with myself in order to heal my emotional wounds.

So basically, These last few days have been shit with eating & working out, but amazing in new realizations and healthy thoughts about my journey. So I wont dwell on the bad, but rejoice in the good! & If you read this far WOW, you're a freakin' trooper! Lmao but thank you so much♥

~erica♥

Day 35*; Just a quick drive by...

I've been feeling really down the last two days, I'm really not sure why. But tomorrow I will update. There are a few things I'd like to mention & chat about (isn't there always? lol) I haven't been working out nor counting calories the last few days. I'm still making healthy choices for the most part, drinking water, but i just feel eh. I'm going to start setting up weekly small goals, drink at least such amount of water, or eat such amount of fruits and veggies, workout at least this much per week, something, I'll make little sidebar areas for each one as I do them. I always seem to be so focused on this journey then it fizzes out until i get a new mini goal, or something else lights a fire under my ass. It's only been a few days, but I really don't want it to turn into 2 weeks like it did the last time. I ordered my calorie journal so I'm excitedly waiting for that to arrive (:

~erica♥

Day 33*; Measurements & Music

I hate to say it, but today was a horrible day with eating. Not in the sense that i binged or ate horribly everything in sight, but in the sense that I had a cup of coffee & a yogurt for breakfast and then ate nothing till dinner. I felt very thrown off for not eating a bigger breakfast, not eating lunch and not having any snacks throughout the day. I'm afraid that tomorrow I'll be tempted to just eat, eat & eat all day long to make up for today. I will go into tomorrow aware of the bad day I had today, but knowing that it doesn't excuse unhealthy eating for tomorrow as a counterpart. Hopefully that will work for me. I really can't wait to get my DietMinder Personal food and fitness journal as soon as i have the money. I really think having a journal that I can carry around with me all the time & fill out and look through will help me stay focused more on eating. I tried sites to track my calories, but I'm just not online enough & when I do get on I tend to forget to track them.

On a better note, i forgot to mention that i got my "one bite at a time, one decision at a time" bracelet the other day! I haven't taken it off since! I ordered it from Jen, apriorfatgirl's site! I absolutely love it, and it is an amazing reminder when contemplating making negative choices in eating.. what I'm working towards. I tried to take a picture but it didn't come out right, if you'd like to see what it looks like click this link --} ONE BITE, ONE DECISION {-- You can also use that link if you would like to purchase one for yourself! $4.50 each♥

MEASUREMENTS

Today was monthly measurements! I was so excited about this that I almost did it last night instead. I was actually almost positive that i hadn't lost much. I feel better, I have more energy, but I can't say that I've noticed my clothes fitting looser. I see the number on the scale dropping slowly, but I know that, that doesn't always mean a loss of inches. Well here is the results!

Last Month:
Bust: 49.5"
Chest: 44.25"
Waist: 46.5"
Hips: 56.75"
Thighs: L-33.25" R-33.25"
Calves: L-19" R-19.5"
Upper Arm: L-18.5" R-19.25"
Lower Arm: L-13.25" R-13"

This Month:
Bust: 49.5"
Chest: 44"
Waist: 46"
Hips: 56.25"
Thighs: L- 27.75" R- 27.75"
Calves: L- 19.5" R- 19.25"
Upper Arm: L- 18.5" R- 18.25"
Lower Arm: L- 12" R- 11.5"
Booty: 53.75"

Bust: no inches lost
Chest: .25" lost
Wasit: .5" lost
Hips: .5" lost
Thighs: 5.5" lost on each thigh!!
Calves: I either measured wrong, or grew .5" on my left calf.. But .25" lost on my right calf
Upper Arm: 1" lost on my right arm
Lower Arm: 1.25" lost on my left, 1.5" lost on my right

FOR A GRAND TOTAL OF 16.25" LOST TOTAL IN A MONTH!!!!

WOW! How freakin' awesome is that?!?!?!?! When I compared the numbers, I was blown away! I kept thinking to myself " no way, I had to have done it wrong last month, maybe the numbers were off?" Why is it so easy to doubt myself when something is going good for me? Finally, i figured the hell if they were off or not. These are my measurements & I'm going to celebrate this victory! Just, wow.

INTERESTING FIND..

I didn't workout today, ugh. I wish I would have but, I decided to go through the exercise shows that are on demand & see if I liked any. I came across this one called, cardioke. It's done by Billy Blanks Jr. (remember tae bo? that was Billy Blanks Sr.) He does this show. It looked interesting so i played it, the entire thing & DIDN'T WORK OUT TO IT ONCE. I hate to say that, I played an entire 25 minute workout video, whilst laying on my couch.. -sigh-
Anyways.. It was really interesting, the dancing looked really fun. Stuff I could definitely get into and at the end of the show, during the cool down, he talked about a song his wife had written & someone performed on the show while they cooled down. I was so sentimental, tears in my eyes listening to it, so of course I had to search for it. Here are the lyrics...

Start from where you are
Take a deep breath in
Take a brave look in the mirror
At the soul inside your skin
So hard on yourself
Perfections overrated
Life's so complicated
Simply stated

It's gonna be alright (repeated 8X)

Every flaw is magnified
Underneath your hardened eyes
You pick yourself apart
And cut you down to size
It's just standard operation
For your self-humiliation
It's become so much your normal
That you don't realize

(chorus)
You are enough
You are enough
You are exactly where you need to be
Right now it's tough
But all that you need to get through
Is already in you
You are enough

-music break-

There's so much pain
All around you
From the nerdy plain Jane
To the pretty girl, too
You just never know
So you think that you're alone
That no one can relate to you
And you're the only one

It's gonna be alright (8X)

Don't like your job
Don't like your life
You're fighting with your husband
You're fighting with your wife
No one understands you
They've never been your age
It's funny each new generation
Has had the same old rage

(Chorus)

There's never been a you before
So how can someone
Tell you how to be?
I wish that I could
Take away your doubt
And set you free
Start from where you are
Take it in stride
Call it all good
Call it a win
Reach from inside . . .

(Chorus x2)

This ain't no self-help book
No quick fix for your broken heart
No life coach preachin' to ya
Saying "I'm OK, you're OK"
I'm just a mess of imperfection
Turning love to your direction
When I'm reminding you
I remind myself, too

I AM ENOUGH

♥
& you can listen to it here if you don't mind the "cooling down" going on aside from that..

I tried on my goal pants yesterday, They still don't fit & I didn't even try to button them, because as I explained I can't BREATHE if i do.. can't wait till I can button them without dying, I really love those jeans! Tomorrow is therapy, not sure if I'm excited or nervous, maybe slightly both.

~erica♥

Day 32*; The titleless day.

Today I met my kids teachers. Kindergarten & 1st grade. I tried to dress really nice, I wanted to feel nice. But of course, no matter how dolled up I get. I still feel like all anyone sees is the fat. It wouldn't matter if i walked in there hair nice, make up, dressed to impress, or if i had a nappy pony tail and sweats on.. all they are going to notice about me is my fat. I know that this is probably all in my head. I know that this is my outlook on it. Do i do this? No, I look at bigger girls and compare myself to them. Am i as big as they are? bigger? Do they carry themselves well? I feel like no matter how nice i look, I'm still looking sloppy because I'm fat. Some bigger girls know how to wear the right clothes, have the right attitude & yea they're big but they still look amazing!! I could never be like that, I've tried, I've failed. I put such a big emphasis on my fat. When i get ready to go anywhere and i actually wanna look nice?, I'll ask my mom if what I'm wearing makes me look huge. I already know I'm big, but does it make me look bigger? Does it exaggerate my fat?.If I'm anywhere in public, I'm uncomfortable. If I'm not kickin it in my house in my big baggy sweats and a t-shirt. I'm uncomfortable. ugh, anyways I met the teachers who are of course both very thin ladies. Damn weight. Damn all 160lbs over it that i am.

Anywho..
I made my smoothie this morning (: I didn't count calories today, but it was delish. So happy we have a blender now! LOL the kids each had some and so did my mom. They all loved them.

I worked out today, for 45 minutes with some show on FitTV, my new favorite channel. My daughter loves to do the aerobics workouts with me, it's fun and cute for us. Anyways 45 minutes! Score. We also started doing a show that was belly dancing. Wow. That shit is tougher than it looks. All the separate body movements, squeezing in your ab muscles on top then on bottom. I'm thinking to myself.. I can't even SEE any ab muscles, I don't even know if i have any.. let alone enough to have top ones and bottom ones & you want me to do WHAT?! needless to say, I will keep working on it. I like the style and would love to be able to move my body like that :D

I feel like it's a slow and steady process, but I'm already feeling more active. I actually have the WANT to workout. As where a few weeks ago, I just couldn't get motivated enough. Now I sit and think, when can i fit a workout in. Maybe i can workout now. If a day goes by and I don't have any workout time, I think of how i can definitely get it in the next day. I don't know when or how that happened, but I'm so freakin' happy that it has! I love feeling the burn in my body, I love the feeling after i workout, I love sweating! WHO KNEW?! This journey is bringing so many things into my life. I'm so glad that I made this choice.

UPDATE EDIT♥;;
I just received the most amazing email, I just had to tell you guys about right away. I know this journey is mine, and it is about doing what's best for me and reaching my goals. But this email just gave me all the more reason to keep pushing on. An amazing woman, took the time out of her day to message me and tell me how much she appreciates my blog and how helpful my blog is for her!!!! It brought tears to my eyes. Knowing that my struggles, my writing, my feelings can help other people too?? WOW. I can't even describe the feeling I got while reading her touching message. When I have a rough day, when I feel like this is just too hard, I'll surely go back and read that message. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME MORE MOTIVATION! I really appreciate it. :D

~erica♥

Day 31*; So much to talk about!

Yesterday

Lately I have been running around so much, and trying to accomplish so much I feel rundown. The kids are starting school in a little over a week, which means going to the school to meet the teachers, going for orientations and open houses', getting school stuff ready.. I had finals this week for my classes & start my next classes next week as well. The kids are now in soccer so we have practices throughout the week. And when I'm not running around I'm trying to get my house in order & wrangle my little devils. Not sure if I've shared before, but i have a 5 year old and a 6 year old and let me say.. they keep me on my toes, IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT! Lol. They also have a sperm donor for a father who hasn't contacted them in 2 1/2 months. Anyways. Yesterday we did a lot of running around. We ended up going to friendly's for dinner. So of course I had to have some icre cream! Well, I learned my lesson. I enjoyed what i could of the brownie/ice cream desert and savored every bite as i knew it wasn't something that should even be in my diet. Then, I came home & felt like SHIT! My stomach hurt so much... I used to be able to down something like that completely by myself, finish it off & be carefree but since I have cut out so much junk & limit myself to 100 calorie packs of sweets I really wasn't prepared for a desert like that. As much as I do miss being able to indulge in things, I know it's for the best that my body doesn't agree with them. It actually made me feel good? Getting sick like that, because i realized how well i have been doing. I slip up from time to time with a fast food burger, but other than that I have been staying off the junk foods. I think I will start keeping a bag or two of the 100 calorie snacks in my purse (which happens to be almost the size of Texas lol) that way, if i find myself in a situation like that again I can just remind myself that I have a snack to munch on after we leave the restaurant and no desert is necessary. Although, I did order a tall glass of water as oposed to soda and drank that all throughout the meal. Small victories are definitely my thing!

Weigh Day!!!

Today was weigh day! Considering the last two weeks I was off with my eating and barely working out at all, I have only lost 3lbs, but I'm still proud of that since i do know what i've done lol. I am at 311lbs now! When i bought the scale the other day, I was 311.8 So even in a matter of a few days I lost .8lbs which is awesome. This week I'm hoping for more of a loss I want to work out as often as possible and be sure to eat under my calories. I'm actually really proud of myself though, for not getting too hard on myself when i screw up. Normally I'm a perfectionalist and screwing up is not an option. In the past with weight loss as soon as i would mess up, I was done. I gave up. It seemed better to me, to quit then to keep failing. But now, I don't look at it as failure, I look at it as a lesson learned and keep pushing forward. In only a month since my journey began I have learned so much about myself and started to heal so many emotional wounds that I've held onto for a long time!

Lying to be perfect

I absolutely love women empowerment type of movies! If you haven't seen Lifetimes movie Lying to be perfect, you should. The movie is basically about a group of friends who decide on a "Cinderella pact" which is what they call their weight loss pact. They decide they are going to help each other out, to lose the weight they each have their own goals and they work together to achieve them. It centers around the main character who as an alter ego column writer who responds to women who are having weight and self issues. The only things I didn't like about this movie were that they didn't focus AS MUCH as i would have liked on the actual working out & eating right aspect of losing weight, is was more like they just did it, but we didn't see it. And I also didn't like that they made it seem as though you can lose that much weight in a matter of 4 months with no problems. Other than that, I adored it. I might even watch it again soon. Do you guys have any movies about weight loss or self inspiration at all that you like? I would love to find more to watch!

Odds & Ends

Tonight, for dinner we went to Wendy's. I KNOW! ugh. But, I made good choices! Which means I deserve an "awesome" sticker for myself. We pulled up, normally i get a big greasy burger, fries & a milkshake. (If you haven't noticed, I love burgers to an extreme!) Instead I got a blt cobb salad, it had grilled chicken and bacon on it, but I'm sure still better than a burger(I haven't looked up the calories of it yet) and then my mom asked me what I wanted to drink. This was hard, I wanted so badly to say A CHOCOLATE SHAKE, DUH?! But I had a large bottle of water already with me and i knew that would be my best option. So i told my mom that i didn't need a drink & would just finish off my water with diner. & that's exactly what i did! SCORE! Again for the small victories!

As we all know, I got a pedometer the other day. Yesterday I wanted so badly to track my steps but apparently it FELL OFF before i left the house & didn't have it all day. So today, I started off wearing it & the day went pretty well. By about 5pm or so I had taken 1,300 steps.. AND THEY WANT ME TO TAKE 10,000 A DAY?! nuts. Anyways.. I ended up losing it :| I'm not sure if it's lost in the car, the house or somewhere in public, but it is definitely m.i.a. Which sucks all on it's own because i was so excited about finally having one. But what sucks more? Is that it made me feel fat as hell. I'm SO fat in fact that I couldn't even keep a pedometer clipped to my jeans. Blah. I had a moment of doubt and tears welled up when i realized it was no longer attached. I felt disgusted with myself & thought about how if I were thinner, more athletic or healthier at all it wouldn't have gone missing. This may be a hugely far fetched thought, but it's all i could come up with. I really hope i find it.

The other day, we got a blender! I haven't mentioned before, my strong need to make strawberry/banana smoothies! I just filled 4 ice trays and put them in the freezer tonight, tomorrow I intend on looking for some recipes for them. I've never made a smoothie but am so looking forward to being able to now. I'm not sure if they're really the healthiest, but I can probably find healthier ways to make them, since I'm the chef of this operation! lol

I didn't workout the last two days. I've been so busy running around and stressing about everything. But i did realize, that we have a channel called FitTv..I watched it for a little bit today and realized how badly I want to be able to work out first thing in the morning. I'm starting to think of a way to get up a little earlier than my kids do and head out on the treadmill or go for a walk before they wake up. I think it would be a perfect way to start my days especially since I love the feeling i get after working out.

To any of my readers who have gotten this far, You are truly amazing! I did not intend on having such a long blog, but sometimes it just happens that way! & On a side note, I still get flutterbyes whenever I get comments! :D so keep leaving them, I really am thankful! ♥


~erica♥

Day 29* A short update of my day

Honestly, I probably didn't eat over my calorie intake. & I did take pictures of everything i ate.. But A) I'm just too tired atm to upload them and B) i ate another burger today. It wasn't from mcdonalds but it was something i ordered from our local mom&pop shop. But i didn't beat myself up about it, I enjoyed it lmao! I also did another 10 mins. on the Jillian Miachaels 30 day shred. This time it seemed a little bit easier than the time before but i still burnt out at around the same place. Either way tho I'm proud of myself. Tomorrow will be a kind of busy day for me, but i have my pedometer now! So I'll be wearing that all day. I'm kind of excited about it. I'm also going to try and get in a walk tomorrow night after i get my kids to sleep. The packaging for my pedometer says i should be taking about 10,000 steps a day, that sounds like an awful lot haha.

~erica♥

Day 28*; Rawr! ♥

Remember yesterday, when I said how I had therapy today? And I also said how, I didn't think we would talk much about my weight loss journey because I didn't feel the need to? Yea.... well apparently SHE did. About half way through my session, she brings up this "lifestyle change" (yea she calls it that too, since that's how i told her about it!) that I'm doing and how it's part of an all new me and how i view things. Then she asks me how I feel about my weight now, as far as being out in society and as I'm sitting there trying so hard to not get emotional about it I kind of laugh under my breath as I try to get out the words "I hate it. I hate being out anywhere -this is where the tears start helplessly falling & my words start to get distorted- I feel like everyone is always looking at me disgusted" That's it. I'm a blubbering mess and as she sits there, feeling sorry for me it only makes me feel worse. I have never, NEVER had to sit face to face with someone and talk to them about how I feel about my weight. Even when I told her about my lifestyle change, I was so nervous and scared and that even went better than this one moment, with this one question did. She starts to ask me if i feel like i can lose the weight and in that moment, I realize that, I REALLY, really do feel like I can. So at the end of that session with her we decided that my lifestyle change will now be something i inform her of on a weekly basis. She wants me to start writing journal entry's for her just about my personal stuff because she feels as though i don't open up enough, she also wants me to write at the bottom of that another entry based around my lifestyle change, what I'm eating, how much I'm exercising. She thinks my weight is also a direct result of the other emotional and mental issues I have going on. I'm actually pretty stoked that she got herself as interested as she did, when I obviously wasn't the one who was going to bring it up with her often.

I went shopping today! I got a new scale and YES of course I weighed myself RIGHT AWAY, but I'm going to wait until Monday, Official Weigh day to post it & change my stats. Although I'm not really sure if I like the scale much.. It seems kinda small which makes me feel even fatter than I am :/ But we will see how it works lol. I also got the body measuring tape! So on the 18th I can be all ready to take new measurements and see if any have changed. I'm not really too sure that they will change but I don't think I'm really worried about it. I also think that I will be joining M @ TheSkinnyOnCarbs with her clothing challenge, since I have already picked out my jeans to challenge myself into. I'm going to go with her date as the date to work to fit into them comfortably!!! The date is SEPTEMBER 10th! That is exactly 4 weeks from today! I can so do this as long as i stick to my plans & working out! :D I'm starting to think that setting small goals & challenges may just be the best way for me to lose weight without rushing it TOO much. Small victories excite me just as much as any large one would. So in order to keep progressing I want to make sure I always have several small goals in order.

Today's Meals!

Breakfast: A half cup of egg whites, activia strawberry banana, Kellogg's special k bar strawberry and 8 oz of orange juice w/ mango
Lunch: I really wasn't hungry, so i had 2 caramel corn rice cakes, cup of grapes and a Breyers yogurt!
Dinner: Ugh! Mcdonalds sandwich & it was absolutely thee worst 770 calories. It was a muchroom and swiss burger ACK! Idk what compelled me to get it. i scraped the mushrooms off & just ate the cheese meat and bun w/ a vitamin water.
Snack: 2 more rice cakes. I'm so in love with these things! lol & they're only 50 calories! wow♥

So today wasn't the healthiest but before I ended up with only using 1,520 calories today. My diet should be a 2000 calorie diet. But I guess some days it happens like this. I didn't workout today. Mainly because I'm still terribly sore from last nights shred! OMG! I did stretch out a lot today & it felt so good. Like, my muscles hurt from working out but it was definitely a really good hurt if that makes any sense lmao I'm really hoping I'm not as sore tomorrow so i can try the shred again ;) RAWR!

~erica♥

Day 27*; Missing my scale..

Today's meals :)
.....

Breakfast: Egg whites, 1 large egg, on whole grain white sandwich thins 1/ 1tbsp mayo & a slice of cheese. Activia & a coke (Idk why, but i was craving this soda in the am.. I figured since it was early in the day to indulge with it)
Lunch: Kellogg's Almond Vanilla cereal, 3/4 cup of 2% milk, Breyers yocrunch yogurt.
Snack: My lays chips from yesterday
Dinner: 2 morning star grillers, 2 slices of cheese, 1tbsp mayo on whole grain sandwich thins and a half cup of cucumbers.
Snack: 100 cal milk chocolate pretzels.

Total 1,881 calories for the day :)

I'm actually very surprised, I thought once I gave into temptation for the soda this morning that my day was gonna go downhill, but i salvaged the rest of the day even with a few snacks in the mix! Yum!

I am also very happy to say that I, in fact, DID workout today!! Although, I wish i would have done way better, i still tried & that's good enough for me! I attempted the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. The one on demand is supposed to be a 20min workout or so... I lasted 10 & even though i feel pathetic even admitting that, it's true. I am proud that i even attempted it, and the reason i stopped halfway through was because my chest felt on FIRE like i could barely breathe! I know that's because I'm out of shape. But if i keep doing it and trying and push myself harder each time, maybe I'll eventually be able to finish the whole thing! I always go into a workout with bigger expectations in my head than I'm actually capable of. I tried to push myself as hard as i could while doing the video but I got to a point where i felt too weak. After i stopped my legs were literally shaking! I went out to get the mail and then came upstairs and the whole time I was like "OMG! am i gonna make it?!" LOL but I do admit, the feeling i get after i workout is such an amazing one.. that alone should get me more motivated to do this shit. I can have a blah day all day long, feeling low and kind of sad but as soon as i workout (even for 10 min.) I'm like woooo! YEA! :D haha. I wish I was able to get myself motivated enough to workout in the morning sometime so that i might be able to maintain that feeling for most of the day. Tomorrow I have therapy. I don't think we'll talk much about my weight loss journey because even though it is VERY important to me, there isn't really anything I feel i need from her that i don't already get from the many people on here & the forums I use.

Btw;; I really can't wait to get my scale.. I know not having one isn't a HUGE deal and some people don't even weigh themselves but once a month or so, but i really just wanna know if i gained since my last weigh in since I got crazy or if I'm losing now or what ugh!

~erica♥

Day 26*; Meals & Money!

Today's meals..

Breakfast: 8oz Simply Orange, with mango.
Activia light (strawberry banana yum!)
Special K bar, vanilla crisp
The apple i actually couldn't eat. I'm not a huge breakfast eater anyways so the OJ, special k bar & yogurt filled me up. I'm trying to teach myself that I don't have to force myself to eat EVERYTHING just because it's there. So i had the apple as a mid morning snack! It was delish! Except it ended up making me feel sick for some reason :/ I also had a cup of coffee i didn't take a picture of this morning! :)

Lunch: Special K protien shake which smells funny but they really are good!
& my absolute FAV! Breyers 100 cal yogurt with cookie pieces ♥



Dinner: Subway!!! 12 in turkey sub on wheat, little mayo, turkey, cheese, pickles, lettuce, onions! mmm I ended up not eating the chips.. I just wasn't feeling them. Instead I had a cappuccino from a gas station after dinner. I ate this at my kids soccer practice because i had made something else for them for dinner at home before practice!

Before i had my snacking cup of cuppuccino from the gas station, i was at 1,600 calories. My daily intake is around 2,000 or so. I feel confident that i met that today. Woo! I still feel full from dinner and I'm drinking water to keep that feeling till bedtime. I'm really proud of myself.

There are a few purchases I'm thinking of making.. I figured I'd share them with ya'll. Opinions are always welcomed!


Since my scale broke, I looked on Amazon for a new one. I don't have much money so I wanted to find a good one that wouldn't break the bank. Since all i want one for is to weigh myself i looked at the basic ones. I found this one. It is KINTREX Precision bath scale. It's $25.00 which is a great price & It would get the job done as far as weekly weigh ins!





I've been looking for a pedometer for a little while now. I feel that having this tool would be highly beneficial to me because I will always want to do better. If i walk x amount of steps one day, I'll set a small goal the next day to make it so many more than the day before. Then come the end of the night if i check it and I'm so many steps off I will force myself to even if it's just walked around the house to reach those amount of steps. PLUS! This one counts calories burned as well! Which i thought was awesome. It's called the Omron Healthcare HJ-105 Digital Pedometer It's also a pretty color♥ & only about $13. I love shopping, especially if it's not too costly & will help me out in life or on my journey! I'm starting to feel a little more motivated again. I'm not really sure if it's because I made my new short term goal or if I'm looking into some special purchases but either way it's a good thing! I didn't work out at all today, which sucks & I probably wont tomorrow but we will see.

~erica♥

Day 25*; Double Whammy!

2 blogs in 1 day!? I'm on a roll! Lol. So I just got done watching Monday nights episode of 'Huge' If you watch it, then you know how amazing it is. There was a Body Peace Treaty read on this episode, which i fell in love with in a second & went searching for..

I VOW TO...

• Remember that the sun will still rise tomorrow even if I had one too many slices of pizza or an extra scoop of ice cream tonight.

• Never blame my body for the bad day I'm having.
  

• Stop joining in when my friends compare and trash their own bodies

• Never allow a dirty look from someone else to influence how I feel about my appearance.

• Quit judging a person solely by how his or her body looks — even if it seems harmless — because I'd never want anyone to do that to me.

• Notice all the amazing things my body is doing for me every moment I walk, talk, think, breathe...

• Quiet that negative little voice in my head when it starts to say mean things about my body that I'd never tolerate anyone else saying about me.

• Remind myself that what you see isn't always what you get on TV and in ads — it takes a lot of airbrushing, dieting, money, and work to look like that.

• Remember that even the girl who I'd swap bodies with in a minute has something about her looks that she hates.

• Respect my body by feeding it well, working up a sweat when it needs it, and knowing when to give it a break.

• Realize that the mirror can reflect only what's on the surface of me, not who I am inside.

• Know that I'm already beautiful just the way I am.

I read this, & tears welled up in my eyes. I know I'm on this weight loss journey, and i know it's because I don't like my body the way it is.. But i really need to learn to stop beating myself down lower than any other person could because of it. I need to learn to love myself at any size.. even if it's not what i want, or what i like.. I still need to LOVE myself.

Moving on.. I was talking about some things in a forum with a few people about getting myself more motivated on this journey.. and someone said something that got me thinking. Yes, I have a weight goal. My short term weight goal is 295lbs. But, I've also seen so many people saying that it's not just about the number, it's also about how you feel and many other things. I have this pair of jeans. Venezia jeans, from Lane Bryant (I would get into sizes but for some reason I'm still not that comfortable with the number on my pants.) that no longer fit. I can get them up my thighs & over my ass.. but i can't button them & if i somehow manage to button them, i feel as if my lips start turning blue from lack of oxygen almost immediately. These babies are my additional short term goal.


Pleas ignore the wrinkles as i just tried to wear them the other day & when i realized they didn't fit, I through them on my floor balled up said "fuck those bastard jeans".

I'm going to put these somewhere, where i see them all the time, I'm thinking hanging on the back of my bedroom door? Idk. But somewhere as a reminder of what I'm working for. Now i have two short term goals. I feel like the more goals i can set for myself, the more successful I'll be. I thought about setting some sort of exercising goals for myself as well, but whenever i think about it I feel like the amount i suggest to myself is entirely not enough or way more than I could actually manage. Do you guys have any exercising goals? If so could you share?

~erica♥

Day 25*; Little notes

Yesterday was supposed to be weigh day.. let's just say that dead batteries wasn't the problem. Apparently my scale got water on it somehow and now is out of service. So i couldn't get a weigh in yesterday, I probably wont be able to get a new one till Friday or so. ugh!

Anyways, I've found myself cheating a lot lately & by that i mean, sneaking little high calorie snacks.. like, who am i sneaking them from? MYSELF?! ha. I think I've decided that I'm going to start taking pictures of everything I eat to post on my blog. Jen @ Priorfatgirl Just tracked her calories for a week-7 days- with photos everyday for accountability. That is my goal, starting tomorrow morning, i will be taking pictures of everything that goes into my mouth and post them on here for all to see.

I saw this book on Oprah yesterday, called Women Food and God, has anyone read this or know anyone who has? I'm thinking of getting it & reading it. From what they said on O it's very empowering and has helped many women.

Day 23*; -GASP-

First, I'd like to say that i absolutely adore comments! Every time I see that i have new ones, my heart flutters. I think mainly because knowing that people are actually reading what i write & in a way encouraging me on this journey is amazing! But it's also a little because I can be an attention whore & love having new faces to chat with! So, I just wanna say a big THANKS to those of you who are reading & an even bigger THANKS to those who post comments :)

Today I didn't count calories, or get a notepad.. The reason i didn't get the notepad was because while we were out rushing around shopping for my nephews birthday, i totally forgot. SEE! memory loss at 24. sheesh. I didn't count calories because it was such a hectic day, but I did watch what i ate and with some guesstimating tried to stay within range.

I forgot to tell you guys, on Monday when I weighed in.. right afterward my scale batteries died! So i got some new batteries for it today, just in time for tomorrows weigh in (don't get too excited.. I'm actually a little nervous about it)

So we go to my sisters after trying store after store for something to get my nephew. Did i forget to mention this party.. is a pool party? Yea. I bet you're all thinking the same thing I did. Ugh! Well i wasn't even going to bring my bathing suit to begin with, I knew there would be people there i didn't know and surely wouldn't be comfortable around, as well as my (now 14 yr old) nephew would have his friends over and lets be honest, teenagers can be mean. But, my mom told me just to pack it anyways in case i wanted to go for a dip. After we got there i got the kids into their swimsuits and just sat around the pool for a while, until I started thinking about Joy Nash & her famous fantrants. One of them goes into how, we need to live life NOW even at a heavy weight, because saying that we will do this or do that once we lose x amount of lbs means we're postponing life! With her words swirling in my head, i decided to say "Ykno what, It's hot & that water looks amazing! I'm gonna go get my swimsuit on and get in." So i did. Of course as soon as i was out by the pool i jumped in the water, like that's supposed to hide my fat or something lol. It was really nice & refreshing, then of course i felt the dread of actually having to get out! It was time to eat, before they did the cake/ice cream & presents bit. It literally took me about 10 minutes of "as soon as i get out, grab the closest towel i can find and the closest seat i can find, wrap the towel around my arms.." you get the idea. I think that's something i really can't wait to have less of. The constant nagging feeling that people are looking at my weight and are simply disgusted by it. Anyways, i ended up changing back out of my swimsuit not too long after getting out of the pool, i figured hey, i had my fat girl exposed adventure it was time to get back into my comfort zone. A little while into the part after that.. i over heard the word fat. Now what i wanna know is, does this ever do something to you guys? Like make your heart start racing, tears sort of welling up behind your eyes, your mind racing wondering what the whole conversation was even about, and if they are talking about or even worse.. staring at the entirety which is YOU?!

Hearing just the word "FAT" around anyone at anytime puts me in a tailspin of emotions and thoughts. It's almost as if i feel directly insulted even if it wasn't too or about me because, uhm HELLO, I'M FAT! Anyways, i ended up getting over my mini anxiety attack at the word and ended the evening on relatively happy note :)

Even though I'm pretty sure the scale will have either stayed the same, or maybe even went up a little I'm excited about weigh day, and looking forward to my journey once again. Especially, because Monica, over at Confessions of a + Sized Girl has asked me to join with her in having a Very Merry Weigh In on Christmas day. I hadn't posted about it, but i was looking for some type of challenge to motivate myself a little more to get into the groove of this weight loss journey! So this is just what i need to get my ass in gear! She's told me a little bit about her plans for this & I'm so down for it.

~erica♥

TOP SECRET!

I think it's pretty safe to say I have not posted any type of pictures of my body, anywhere on the internet. It's one of those things that people just don't see unless they are with me in person. That's because of the OBVIOUS embarrassment my body gives me. So, I've decided that, for you lovely people (&myself) I'm going to post some of the few pictures I have of me, I plan on posting "Before" pictures once I'm down enough to have "After" pictures.. But i think I need this little kick in the butt to help me focus more. So here it is...

This was taken just a few weeks ago at the beach with my family. From left to right it's My sister, Me(the whalelike one), My mother, My daughter on my lap & My niece on my mothers lap. This is about what 324lbs looks like. I have lost a few since then, but I Relatively look the same...












This was me about a year & a half ago, I feel like I don't look as big as i do know in this photo? Idk if it's just an illusion or if i really gained that much weight in a year.. ugh.. makes me sick.








This was taken, about a year ago.. April of 09. (excuse my filthy mirror & such.. I might have been sucking in taking this picture, haha! But I really don't recall. But again, I feel like THIS picture compared to the first one, which was taken recently I seem to have gained an entire small country :/ This is sort of depressing LOL Anyways, This is it for now, I only have a few more & Once you've seen the fatness, it doesn't get much different... but i will say this. I can't wait to post pictures of "after" when i finally get there! =]

Day 22*; The Truth..

So the truth is, I've been slipping. Ok, the real truth is.. I did slip, the whole way. I kept trying to sugar coat it to myself by saying
"I'm not tracking calories, but i just know I'm not eating enough to go over"
"I know I haven't worked out in almost 2 weeks, I'm just mentally preparing myself to get to it"
"Once the kids start school, I'll have more time to workout & focus on my food."
What i should have been telling myself, & admitting to myself is that I'm being a fool. I'm starting to get back into my old habit of "I'll start tomorrow" The first week I was all about this journey, then we needed to go grocery shopping & couldn't for a few days, so i used that as an excuse.. and since then I've been the biggest slacker. And to top it off, I've been trying to fool everyone. Tomorrow is my nephews birthday in the afternoon. In the morning i want to try and get to the store.. get a small tablet that will fit in my purse. This way i can track my calories or at least write down everything I've eaten all day and get in the habit of setting time aside at night to log it. On days I'm busy I seem to say ciao to counting calories because I have know way to track things while I'm busy.. this way I can just whip out my tablet and at least know I have to be accountable for what i eat come the end of the night. So I'll be sure to try and be eating healthier. Tracking your calories is most definitely tedious. I know how beneficial it can be, but lord is it a pain in the neck. Another thing that I've let slip is my water intake. I was drinking bottle after bottle of water a day! And now? I'm lucky if I'm drinking 1 or 2. I went from cutting soda out completely to having about 1 or 2 of those a day as well, which i don't want to do. I want to be soda free & water full! I don't know why i let myself slip on little things that would be so easy to make myself accomplish. & The working out, oh my. It's so easy to use my kids as an excuse as to why i don't work out, when i have a treadmill in my garage as well as an entire yard i can workout in or run around in with them!

I've been keeping myself into the journey though, so I haven't completely lost focus. I've been reading success stories and every ones blogs to keep up some kind of internal motivation. I want this. I want to be healthier and feel better. I told my therapist one of my biggest problems in life is that I can be very forgetful. I have a day planner for all my appointments and such because otherwise I would simply forget things! But what about all of the small things i need to accomplish a day & do? Well, she gave me an entire pad of sticky notes & told me to start using them religiously. I (being the procrastinator that i am) have yet to start this. I think about the sticky pad in my purse as i sit here and realize even if it means having them all over the place, if it helps it's worth it!?.
So I'm going to pause the writing for a minute, & go put a note on my fridge, to drink more water.
. . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . .
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. . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . .
Ok, that's done.
Anyways.. as I was saying.. sticky notes might just be the success of me in life, in health & overall. Incorporation with my day planner. lol Ugh, how sad is it that I am so forgetful that i need aids to help me remember? Yet, when it comes to long term memory I can tell you word for word what someone said to me in a conversation about something specific, and even the tone in which they said it and what they meant by it.
I am disappointed in my mistakes.
But, I can not dwell on this, or instead of changing I'll just wallow, which surely wont help me at all.

Back on to therapy, I talked to Michele(that's her name) About my lifestyle change. It actually went a lot better than i thought. I had a lump in my throat as i prepared to tell her about this but once i did, i realized i psyched myself up for nothing. She smiled at me and told me thinks its a great idea. She feels that this and my mental health journey can be one in the same of being the me i want to be, not feel stuck being. I know that if it weren't for me making the choice to start working on my mental health and dealing with my personal issues, i would never have even been ready to begin my physical journey to getting healthier. So they do go hand in hand for me. She's very excited & proud of me for the accomplishments I've already made in both. Realizing I have problems & making the choice to do something about them. I think sometimes when we lose focus or get off track we don't realize what a big step it is just to admit we have a problem at all and decide we want a change! And we've already made those steps! So this is all a part of what I'm calling my
LIFE OVERHAUL
Physical Health
Mental Health
Achieving Life Goals
^^^^^^
These are the things I'm working towards all at the same time, but they incorporate with one another.
-Sorry if this post was all over the place, My mind has been going so crazy lately! But, I'm definitely going to sticky note myself to be blogging daily again ;) -
OH! & I've had some comments!!! How exciting is that?! :) :) I didn't even realize it because I don't go over my last entry's is there a way i can get email notifications for this or something? hmm. lol

~erica♥

Watching Big Brother & Blogging Day 19*

Updates all around:

Monday was weigh day, I stepped on the scale & it still said 314lbs.. which doesn't surprise me, i figured it might even go up. Last week we didn't have many groceries in the house & it was so busy that i wasn't able to go grocery shopping so i ate whatever we had, which wasn't always the best. So because of that, i stopped counting calories for last week. No excuse is good enough, but it is what it is. This week I've been paying more attention to my calories as well as tried to incorporate more fruits and vegetables daily. I've been eating at least 2-3 servings of fruits/vegetables, which is a lot more than i was eating. I still feel really good about this journey but, to be honest, the "uhmph" i had in the beginning is gone. I'm not as excited as i once was.. which is something i expected also.

I didn't do more than one day of my free trial with curves, which sucked because i really enjoyed it. I didn't have the 'kid-less' time in order to continue going. I still think I want to get a membership, but it's just a matter of coming up with the money to do so, as well as being sure that i will have the time to go! My kids just started soccer & soon my daughter will be in dance as well as school starting & my schooling! Crazy mess. But i will be walking twice a week up to the park with my kids & back home on soccer nights, as well as continuing working out when i get a chance. Once the kids start school, i would be able to go to the gym during the day but only till i get a job.. eh. There's so many things swimming around in my head. I also have thought about rejoining Zumba which is something i tried for a short while & gave up because i had no ambition whatsoever, i wasn't checking the scale AT ALL & i surely wasn't watching what i was eating. My class was 1 day a week and i thought "what good is one day a week actually going to do?"
Now i realize that if i start out once a week, as well as walking back & forth from soccer practices PLUS through in some strength training & other things in my free time.. it's a start! As i said, so much in my head.

I know that nothing worth having comes easy. I know that, yet i still find myself daydreaming of the thinner me to come. I still wish that i could just BE that person without working for it. I tell myself, If i could have just taken better care of my body, ate right & worked out WHILE i was thin, i would be able to enjoy my body all the while still living like this.. instead of looking in the mirror and anticipating when i will be able to not be grossed out. I know that i along this journey i must learn to love myself regardless of my weight or anything else. And i honestly am working on that.

I plan on talking to my therapist about my new plans & goals about weight loss. This is kind of a big deal for me, since I just don't talk about my weight. Very rarely I will come across a close friend who is also going through & feeling many of the same things i am.. & in that case i will talk about it. But I haven't confided much in anyone who doesn't also have weight problems. I'm really nervous about it, I don't wanna start crying while i talk to her about it & feel like i have no right to be that upset since i put myself here. We will see how it goes. I am also planning on calling my doctor's office & seeing if i can make an appointment with the nutritionist, they might be able to help me with my journey.

~erica♥